Horros You've Never Seen Before 1

It isn't that great right now, but it will get better. I promise.






The day is July 16, the year 1918. That was the night in which my family and I were to be executed.
I come from the Imperial family of Russia. I am the daughter of Tzar Nicholas and Tsarina Alexandra, my own title Grand Duchess Maria. I was nineteen on this day. It is a day that no one in Russia will ever forget.

Before the Revolution happened, my family and I were happy, and the people liked us, or so I thought. It was later that everything started to fall apart, when my mother turned to Father Grigori Rasputin for spiritual guidance. I didn't like him, nor did my sisters or brother. My father liked him at first, but then, when he finally saw through the holy facade, he liked him as much as we did.

My sisters Olga, Tanya, and Anya were my best friends and my brother, my dear brother Alexi, was the one who kept me going at times. It was after Rasputin died that everything started to go downhill for us all.

First, the people started to whisper terrible things about us. Then, everyone started to turn on us. The same year the rumors started, we were taken out of our palace and taken to Yekaterinburg, where we were kept as prisoners. Finally, on that dreadful day, we were taken down to the dreadful cellar, being told we were to pose for a photo.

My sisters and I had sewn diamonds and other precious gems into out bodices to protect us like shields. We tried to get Alexi to let us do his, but he refused, saying that we wouldn't need it, that we would be out soon.

I knew something was wrong, and Anya did too. As we walked down to the cellar, she stood close to me.

"Are you going to try and use your shield?" she whispered.

"If it is necessary" I replied.

"Remember to stay close to all of us. You still need to be close." she continued.

"I know what I have to do, Anya" I whispered harshly. She stayed quiet after that.

We got to the cellar and were told to stand in a line, tallest to shortest. I knew this was about to turn ugly. Mama asked for a chair. "May we not sit?" she asked.

As the commander walked away, I saw him whisper to another man. The other man smirked.
The man came back with a chair and no sooner set it down than took a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"In view of the fact that your relatives are continuing their attack on Soviet Russia," he read, "the Ural Executive Committee has decided to......execute you."

Father turned to us. "What? What?"

I didn't have enough time to think before the commander took out his pistol and shot Papa in the head.

"Maria!" screamed Anya, just before shots rang out.

I had just enough time to throw the shield up in front of me and my sisters. Dust was everywhere, and I couldn't see Mama or Alexi.

"Alexi, where are you?" I screamed. No one answered me. I heard Mama scream and then a thud on the floor.

I held the shield as long as the shots continued, before someone, somehow, got behind me and hit me on the head. All I saw at first were stars, and then, darkness over came me, as did the gunshots and screaming of my sisters.

This was good. But your facts are a little off. Alexei and Anastasia were very close to each other. More close than Marie and Alexei. There are a few books about the Romanovs that you might want to check out. The story is very to short to give a review. It is well written but, there is no depth no real emotion. That night was tragic. Weave that into your writing. Keep writing. "*Gold Star*

Hi there! Here is your review, as promised.
Might I start by commending your excellent grammar? Nice job!

Just a few nit-picks:

"If it is necessary" I replied.

Comma after necessary.

"Remember to stay close to all of us. You still need to be close." she continued.

The second period should be a comma.

"I know what I have to do, Anya" I whispered harshly.

Comma after Anya.

Grammar:
Overall, your grammar is very good. However, you seem to be having trouble with dialogue. Here is a quick guide to punctuation in dialogues...
These are all correct:
"I am happy," said Emma.
"I am happy!" said Emma.
"Am I happy?" said Emma.

These are incorrect:
"I am happy" said Emma. (There must be punctuation before the second quotation mark)
"I am happy," Said Emma. (The subject should never be capitalized after a quote)
"I am happy.", said Emma. (You do not need punctuation after the quote)

I hope that cleared things up!

Characters:
Well, we don't know much about them other than the fact that Maria is very close with her siblings. How does she get along with her parents? What does she look like? What does she think about the revolution? You need to add emotions and thoughts to your characters, otherwise the reader won't feel connected to them and, ultimately, they won't care much about their fates.

Plot:
I think you need to give us a lot more background about the Russian revolution. Many of your readers, including me, know little about it. Try to do this without giving us an info-dump. I know it's difficult, but you do need to give us some information. Why were those men killing Maria and her family? What had they done? Why did the Russian people want a revolution? Also, the whole story seems to move very fast, without giving the reader any clues to how the characters are feeling. I want to know what Maria is thinking as she is being led to her death. How is she feeling? Does she feel sick, nervous?

Overall, you have a good start. Just beef it up a little with some background and emotions. If you have any questions, please PM me!
-Winter

Hey, AliceRose! ^^ Evi here.

First of all, you should really know that you've spelled your title wrong. >_> I understand, typos happen to everyone...but, please, proofread next time? It should be, Horrors You've Never Seen Before [1].

"Are you going to try and use your shield?"

If the gems are already sewn into their bodices in the first place, there's no way they couldn't use the shields. I don't see how they could "try" and use them, because it's more of a precautionary thing built in, not an active weapon they can carry around. Do you see what I mean?

I had just enough time to throw the shield up in front of me and my sisters.

Same thing here. They're *wearing* their bodices-- unless the rip off the tops of their dresses, they can't throw the shield up. It's already in front of their chests.

In view of the fact that your relatives are continuing their attack on Soviet Russia," he read, "the Ural Executive Committee has decided to......execute you."

Comment 1.) If you're going to use ellipses (the ......) you can onl use three. For whatever reason, that's just the way it is. ^^ So this would be, instead:

"the Ural Executive Committee has decided to...execute you."

Comment 2.) I think there needs to be some emotion here in the officer's voice, his description. Does he say this cruelly, relishing in the royal family's tragic fate? Or is he a little uncomfortable with relaying the bad news? Does he feel any compassion at all for the family, or is he excited about this turn of events? Show that in some description. For example, if he's not sorry at all for them:

"In view of the fact that your relatives are continuing their attack on Soviet Russia," he read, "the Ural Committee has decided to..." For a moment his words hung dramatically in the air, and we all looked up in terrified expectation. Decided what? Slowly, a cruel smile appeared on the man's face; I closed my eyes, waiting for it.

"Decided to execute you."

See how that a) adds a bit more information about the man telling them this, and b) connects a bit more with Marie herself, as she goes through this.

I think your main issue here is the emotion and connection between Marie, the readers, and this horrific night. They're being told that they're going to be killed, for goodness sakes! They are going to be scared out of their wits, their hearts racing, their hands shaking, unable to think straight-- show some of that terror, that freaking-out part of it. I don't know much about this particular historical event, so I can't double-check your facts, but be sure to convey that gut-wrenching emotion that's taking over their every thought and action. Because without it, it seems as if the family hardly cares that they're about to die!

Also, I agree with Winter-- you need a bit more background information on what was actually going on. The readers don't know who these men are, saying they're about to execute this family, and we don't even know who the Ural Committee is! Add that information tastefully, dropping hints here and there to clue your readers in.

Overall, this just needs some plumping up. This is obviously a hut-wrenching scene, and it has to feel that way for the readers. Because you're in Marie's head, you can use her thoughts too, remember. Good luck, good job, and PM me if you need anything else!

~Evi