Still Standing

Hi I am sending a query letter and I would like to know if this was suspenseful and worth your time...Hurt my feelings if you have to...I know I haven't reviewed a lot, sorry my computer was acting up. Oh and I know punctuation and all that may be bad..I am getting it edited...Thanks I really appreciate it.

Prologue
I am going to tell a story, one unlike any other that you might have heard. A story, with such emotion that your gut will wrench in pain as if you were the being it was happening to. One that will leave tears stained upon the pages you turn. A story, that will deprive from you food and sleep for weeks. Are you ready? In the end I hope your still standing.
×♥×♥×♥×♥×♥×♥×♥×♥×♥

It was that cold unforgettable winter’s day. At the time I was seventeen, living in Davenport, Iowa, starting my senior year. I remember pulling up on the grey cracked concrete. I shut the car off, and stepped outside.
Bang! Bang! Two loud noises sounded from inside of the house. I froze in place, wondering what was happening behind those old close doors. I tried to move forward, but felt as if my nervous system had shut down. My whole body started to shake the, the irony of it, was that it wasn’t from the cold. But, from the fear of the questions I could not answer.
Deep down I knew the answer, and that was that something was terribly wrong. I summoned the strength to walk up the stone pathway onto the wooden porch, I knew very well. Silence was everywhere; it was as if nature itself had disappeared off the face of the Earth. I could hear my heart pounding in my ear, and the speed steadily increasing. I reached forward for the skinny glass door knob, and slowly turned. It wasn’t until then that I felt the tears gently rolling down my face.
I quickly opened the door; I saw a man carrying a body out back that very much resembled my dad. I reached for the knob again, hoping to leave unseen. Squeak! Panic began to take over me, for I knew that I was no longer unseen. He looked up at me; his eyes were as black as coals. I looked in his eyes and saw a cold-blooded killer.
He reached in his pocket, but before he did he let out a quick chuckle, “Your next sweetheart.” I turned to run outside. A loud noise came again from the house, and soon after I felt an excruciating piece of metal pierce my skin.

Hi, Ashleigh.

A story, with such emotion that your gut will wrench in pain as if you were the being it was happening to.

You don't need the comma here. And I think it sounds okay, but consider not ending your sentences with prepositions.

A story, that will deprive from you food and sleep for weeks.

Ditto with the comma. Usually the preposition "of" goes with the word "deprive", so I'd rewrite it, "A story that will deprive you of food and sleep for weeks."

In the end I hope your still standing.

Should be "you're".

My whole body started to shake the, the irony of it, was that it wasn’t from the cold. But, from the fear of the questions I could not answer.

This is a bit confusing. Did you mean to say "the" twice? I think the commas are misplaced. It seems like this is two sentences: My whole body started to shake. and The irony of it was that it wasn't from the cold. Also, I'd link the third sentence up with the second one. The irony of it was that it wasn't from the cold, but from the fear of the questions I could not answer.

I summoned the strength to walk up the stone pathway onto the wooden porch, I knew very well.

What did you know very well? The porch? As in, it's your house? If so, get rid of the comma.

I reached for the knob again, hoping to leave unseen. Squeak! Panic began to take over me, for I knew that I was no longer unseen.

Can you rewrite this so you don't overuse this word?

“Your next sweetheart.”

Again, should be "you're".

Okay, it's definitely not as suspenseful as the prologue set it up to be. I think everything happens too fast. Drawing everything out longer would make it more suspenseful.

I also think that it's not as suspenseful because it's kind of choppy, especially in the second paragraph. Saying "I went to the door. I opened the doorknob. I was crying," isn't so scary. If you used more complex sentences, I think it would be easier to read.

Also, the second paragraph gets a little muddled. She says, (I assume it's a she) "I couldn't answer the questions. Deep down I knew something was wrong." That seems contradictory. It's like the words sound good, but when you think about it, what do they really mean?

The good news is, I think this could be really good with a rewrite, and I'd like to read more!
-Rachel

The idea is good, and I really lied your prologue. But the next bit isn't as suspenseful as you made it out to be. You need to describe what she was feeling more, seeing her father being carried off by a killer. And describe what he looked like. That'll give this piece a lot more emotion and make the reader for fearful.

You do this twice:

your

Should be 'you're'

Apart from that, I couldn't find anything wrong with it. But try to draw it out a bit more. And maybe tell us what it feels like t be shot.

Hope I helped! This could be really good, and I'm interesting to know more!

Thank You for reading and reviewing. I am going to go fix all those errors.