Three Things(2)

*This is from a different point of view than chapter 1*


Chapter 2—Goodbye

“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be there in about five minutes.”

“I can’t wait to see you! Are you sure you can’t go just a little faster?”

I laughed. “No, Mom. I’m already speeding. See you in a few.”

“Alright, bye. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

I hung up my phone and set it on the passenger seat. The song on the radio changed, and I sang along with the familiar tune. Tomorrow was Christmas, and I couldn’t wait to see my family. Plus, Sara, my sister, was due to have her baby yesterday, so she would probably have it while I was here. I couldn’t wait to be an uncle.

My phone rang again, and I was surprised when I saw the caller I. D. It was Jesse, Sara’s husband.

“Hello?”

“Sam! Guess what!”

“What?”

“Sara just had her baby! It’s a boy!”

“Wow! What are you going to name him?”

“We don’t know yet. I want Jesse, Jr., but Sara’s fighting for Chris.”

I sped up as I rounded the corner. The last thing I heard was Sara’s voice in the background. The last thing I smelled was the french fries I had been eating on the way here. The last thing I felt was the cool leather cover on the steering wheel. The last thing I tasted was my peppermint gum. The last thing I saw was a pair of headlights shining brightly towards me.

It all happened so fast I wasn’t sure it actually happened.

I wasn’t wearing my seat belt, and when I slammed on the brakes, I went flying through the windshield, breaking both of my legs in the process.

The other driver didn’t stop in time. My body never hit the ground. Instead, it was wedged in between my blue Dodge pickup and a 1950’s red mustang.

Instant death.

“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be there in about five minutes.”

“I can’t wait to see you! Are you sure you can’t go just a little faster?”

I laughed. “No, Mom. I’m already speeding. See you in a few.”

“Alright, bye. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

I really like this conversation It seems genuine and something I would say to my mom and vice versa.

It was Jesse, Sara’s husband.

I think this should be taken out and you could infer who it was through the conversation. Because the sentence before it makes the readers go ohmygosh who could it be? Then this little tidbit deflats all curiousity. Maybe you could say Hey Jesse is Sara ok? and then put i asked my brother-in-law.

The last thing I heard was Sara’s voice in the background. The last thing I smelled was the french fries I had been eating on the way here. The last thing I felt was the cool leather cover on the steering wheel. The last thing I tasted was my peppermint gum. The last thing I saw was a pair of headlights shining brightly towards me.

I absolutely love the repition on the last thing... It made this paragraph suspenseful. Awesome job!

breaking both of my legs in the process.

Maybe instead of just telling us that he broke his legs you could show us more than tell us. Maybe something like: My legs turned to jelly and were useless during this process. I know that was horrible just trying to give suggestions though:)

The other driver didn’t stop in time. My body never hit the ground. Instead, it was wedged in between my blue Dodge pickup and a 1950’s red mustang.

Instant death

I love the ending very impactful.

Awesome job! Please PM when more is up

-Tiffany

Hey youreit!

By the way, thanks for informing me about this.
Anyway, looks like someone already pointed out your mistakes.
I also liked the conversation between the boy and his mother. Very real. I still wish you'd write something longer 'cause i really like the story.

Good Job! Don't forget to PM me again

-barney

Hey youreit =]

I'm back for chapter two!

“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be there in about five minutes.”

“I can’t wait to see you! Are you sure you can’t go just a little faster?”

I laughed. “No, Mom. I’m already speeding. See you in a few.”

“Alright, bye. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Though this does seem like a genuine conversation, would a Mum really condone speeding? I know mine wouldn't.

“Hello?”

“Sam! Guess what!”

“What?”

“Sara just had her baby! It’s a boy!”

“Wow! What are you going to name him?”

“We don’t know yet. I want Jesse, Jr., but Sara’s fighting for Chris.”

I agree with Rascalover on this part and I think she had a good example on how you could change it too.

been eating on the way here.

Where exactly was he going? To his Mum's house? If he was, then I think it would be better if you changed the above to;

'been eating on the way to Mum's' or even to just 'been eating.'

I wasn’t wearing my seat belt, and when I slammed

I'd maybe consider changing 'and' to 'so'

wedged in between my

I think 'in between' is one word

Instant death.

I think the bluntness of this sentence worked well as a good shock ending =]

Once again I enjoyed reading this =]

Could you please PM me if you post another part?

I hope I've been helpful,

xDudettex

Hey, sorry that it took me so long to get to this... I kind of got sidetrack. *cough*chat*cough*

It seems that they got everything! I loved the conversation between him and his mother. Other than that, I don't see the point in repeating everything.

Thanks for contacting me about this! Please PM me when you post the next chapter!

=]
Becca

Hey! I love the conversation between the boy and his mother. It seems like something that any kid would say to his or her mother. But about the part where his mom is asking him to speed up...would she really ask that of her kid??
Hmmm...also the repetition is great when he slams into the other car.
The last sentence was chilling.
This was great PM me if you write more