Special for once

Hey, so I'm hopping to get at least two comments, unlike last time when I just got pushed out of the page, so please, make my day. I just came up with it, don't hesitate on being harsh. Thanks.

Special for once
"It's your turn, isn't it?" I asked in a whisper, worried.
He rolled his eyes at me, half a smile on his faced. He couldn't talk because of the microphone there, I realized. It was probably very stupid of me to be talking too. "Sorry," I whispered before I could stop myself. I could see he was biting on his lower lip, fighting a chuckle. I was so bad at this stuff, why did he bring me with him anyways?
He waved goodbye before walking toward the stage with the rest of his band. Clarissa, with her hair in a neat braid at the back of her head, and a headphone on her right ear looked after him from her side of the stage. She sent me one look, which I couldn't interpret in any other way then hate. It looked like she wanted to cause me some serious injury.
Of course, me not going with Peter to his concerts had more than one good reason. First reason, I always messed it up somehow. On the fifth show I was with them I tripped over a microphone cable, causing the whole concert to be dismissed. I could be such a klutz sometimes. Second reason was reasonably more justifiable. Everybody here hated me. Yes, especially Clarissa. It felt bad being in a place like this. Well not everybody, I suppose. But I could see the objection in their eyes. 'His girlfriend?' they would think, nodding toward me with a tiny, polite head nod. I could see them wondering for a second. "Her?" They always thought. Not that I especially cared what they thought. Never had. I hated attention. Typical of me to choose exactly that position.
I was always invisible to everybody. The geek in the front row, the one that always does her homework, the one you ignore. I was wall paper. Well, at least until Peter came along. He didn't think of me that way. He thought I was special. But this was worse than wall paper. Better yet, this was exactly why being wall paper was worth it. But… even now, with Peter, I was always in the background. Wallpaper. Again.
I saw him jump on the stage, all of the crowd jumping along with the beat. I leaned on the wall. This was why it was worth it. I was with Peter. He loved me, and I loved him, and we were together. That was what was important. So let them talk, and let Clarissa stare. I wasn't ordinary, or special. I was just myself. But for how long...? I aked myself, staring at the tight, short dress they had me squeezed in tonight. It was pale purple, beautiful, of course. And I hated it. What was wrong with my own clothes?
Peter just laughed when I complained, hugging me closer. "You get used to it," he promised. But I didn't want to get used to it.
"Violet Nerrally?" A voice asked, loud, happy. So unlike my mood at the moment.
I turned around too quickly. I fell, the dark floor of the back stage coming closer and closer. I shut my eyes tight, waiting for the crash. It never came. Somebody caught me. Whoever caught me, his shoulders were wide, and his hands gentle. I stumbled back. "Sorry, sorry!" I mumbled, apologetic.
The youth that grinned at me looked far from being upset. "You're welcome," he said in a friendly tone, and I breathed in relief. He was one of those nice people, then.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Peter stare at me from the stage, his mouth moving to the lyrics, but his eyes on me. He looked torn between horror and amusement, and, for some reason, outrage. On the other side of the stage, I still saw Clarissa- but she was gawking this time. How wierd.
I took another shaky step back. "You looked for me before?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the floor, hopping everyone would look away. When I looked up, they did. The youth was still smiling.
"Um, yes. I'm supposed to interview you."
I looked at him with confused eyes. "You must mean Pet-"
"No, no." He didn't let me finish. "I mean you. We're doing a piece on the woman behind the man." He shot me a playful look.
I felt myself smiling in return. "No thank you," I said in a small voice. No attention, god, I begged silently. Please.
The man didn't give up. "There," he handed me his card. "Call me when you decide." His smile didn't even falter.
"But I said no-" I didn't get to finish that sentence also.
"Look, just talk to your friends," he shot a slightly mocking glance toward the stage, where Peter was jumping with the crowd, singing, looking at us from the corner of his eye.
I felt my face grow red. Why was he making fun of Peter?
I snatched the card away. "Fine." I said sharply before folding my arms tightly across my chest.
The man's smile faded a little now. "Didn't mean to get you upset," he mumbled, more to himself. "You were supposed to laugh. Everybody does."
I nodded stifly. "Well I guess I'm not like everybody, then."
"Break!" I heard Clarissa's voice announce and spun around eagerly, ready to see Peter. I spun too fast again. "I'm Red, and let's try not to make a habbit out of this," he chuckled. His face was too close to mine, and his breath smelled like mint. I pushed him away, cheeks flaming red, only to meet Peter's gaze. I swallowed nervously. Another reason for why I shouldn't come to add to the list.

Hey! So, if you need a review, there's this forum where you can request them. Anyway, to make up for it I'm going to give you the super awesome 250th critique that this story deserves, yeah?

Yeah.

NIT-PICKS, TYPOS, AND GRAMMAR FUN! (?)

"It's your turn, isn't it?" I asked in a whisper, worried.

He rolled his eyes at me, half a smile on his face. He couldn't talk because of the microphone [s]there[/s], I realized. It was probably very stupid of me to be talking too. "Sorry," I whispered before I could stop myself. I could see he was biting on his lower lip, fighting a chuckle. I was so bad at this stuff, why [s]did he bring[/s] had he brought me with him anyways?

*

Clarissa, with her hair in a neat braid at the back of her head, and a headphone on her right ear, looked after him from her side of the stage.

I find it odd that the readers get Clarissa's name before Peter, seeing as Peter is one of the two main characters. I'm not sure why you didn't replace one of the pronouns with his name in the first paragraph.

*

Of course, me not going with Peter to his concerts had more than one good reason. This whole sentence is phrased really, really awkwardly. I think something like there was more than one good reason for me not to accompany Peter to his concerts. It just sounds more natural. First reason: I always messed it up somehow. On the fifth show [s]I was with them[/s] I tripped over a microphone cable, causing the whole concert to be dismissed. I could be such a klutz sometimes.

NP>> The second reason was [s]reasonably[/s] the repetition of 'reason' is not good. more justifiable. Everybody here hated me. Yes, especially Clarissa. It felt bad being in a place like this. Well not everybody, I suppose. But I could see the objection in their eyes. 'His girlfriend?' they would think, nodding toward me with a tiny, polite head nod. I could see them wondering for a second. "Her?" I always like italics for thoughts, but you can use quotation marks if you want; just make sure you're EITHER using the " OR the '. Not both. they always thought. Not that I especially cared [s]what they thought[/s]. Never had. I hated attention. Typical of me to choose exactly that position.

The underlined portion seems out of order. You skip around from everybody to Clarissa to everybody; it's odd to read.

*

I was wall paper. Well, at least until Peter came along. He didn't think of me that way. He thought I was special. But this was worse than wall paper. [s]Better yet[/s], this was exactly why being wall paper was worth it. But… even now, with Peter, I was always in the background. Wallpaper. Again. But I thought she wanted to be wallpaper, now? Again, it's not making too much sense. It's okay to be conflicted, but at least recognize that she's conflicted, right?

(I realize that I'm using the pronoun 'she' for your narrator even though I have no idea whether she's a girl or a guy. That should be cleared up pretty quickly in the beginning )

*

I [b]asked myself, staring at the tight, short dress they had me squeezed into tonight. It was pale purple, beautiful, of course. And I hated it. What was wrong with my own clothes?

*

"Violet Nerrally?" a voice asked, loud, happy. So unlike my mood at the moment.

I turned around too quickly. I fell, the dark floor of the back stage coming closer and closer. I shut my eyes tight, waiting for the crash. It never came. Somebody caught me. Whoever caught me, his shoulders were wide, and his hands gentle. I stumbled back. "Sorry, sorry!" I mumbled, apologetic.

*

I breathed in relief. He was one of those nice people, then. I like this! Shows her anxiety well.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Peter staring at me from the stage, his mouth moving to the lyrics, but his eyes on me. He looked torn between horror and amusement, and, for some reason, outrage. On the other side of the stage, I still saw Clarissa- but she was gawking this time. How weird.

I took another shaky step back. "You looked for me before?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the floor, hopping everyone would look away. When I looked up, they had. The youth was still smiling.

*

"But I said no-" I didn't get to finish that sentence either.

"Look, just talk to your friends." He shot a slightly mocking glance toward the stage, where Peter was jumping with the crowd, singing, looking at us from the corner of his eye.

I felt my face grow red. Why was he making fun of Peter?

I snatched the card away. "Fine," I said sharply before folding my arms tightly across my chest.

*

"Break!" [s]I heard[/s] Clarissa's voice announced and I spun around eagerly, ready to see Peter. I spun too fast again.

NP>>"I'm Red, and let's try not to make a habit out of this," he chuckled.

Okay! So as you can see, I tore that up a bit; all the typos and grammar problems you absolutely must fix, but all the rewording, while I do think my suggestions would help, remember that they're just suggestions. ^__^

I do want to make you aware of something: regarding word choice, there was a lot of repetition. Variety is the spice of fiction! I suggest investing in a thesaurus or going to http://www.thesaurus.com just so you aren't constantly using the same words. It can get boring.

BEGINNINGS & DESCRIPTION

Yes. You have a great start, but I do think the beginning could use some work; it is, after all, what needs to pull your reader into the story, right? Get them hooked, addicted, so they won't be able to stop? So this beginning needs to be awesome.

With this story I think the beginning should set the scene a bit better, be more descriptive. I think you were trying hard not to say exactly where they were in the first paragraph, or, even, who 'they' were, but I wanted to know about how the stage lights made Peter's golden hair sparkle. How the stage floor is shiny, polished black but the backstage floor is covered with sticky residue because the crew's are always snacking in between sets. How the girl working lights looks like a shadow dressed in all black. How the...well, you get the point. Don't be afraid of going over the top, you can always cut things out later. Give the readers some details to focus on, so that when Clarissa glares at Violet, the readers can imagine her sparkling green eyes, coated in mascara and eyeliner (or whatever).

Check out this article for more on beginnings.

(And use description everywhere, not just the beginning, to further the characters' emotions and set the mood. It really is an invaluable tool; this might help you.)

Moving on!

THE CHARACTERS: VIOLET, PETER, CLARISSA, RED

Violet: I think you did a good job with Violet! I do feel in her head, her klutzy, wallpapered head. However, it was a little bit confusing because she'd go back and forth between wanting to be invisible and not wanting to be invisible? I can understand that; she wants to be noticed, but she doesn't want attention in case she does something wrong, it's easier to fade into the background, yada yada yada. I think it could be made clearer, though.

Peter: I don't really know much about him yet, which is fine. Just make sure he isn't that totally-perfect-in-every-way-boyfriend; everyone has flaws, even the hottie.

Clarissa: Yeah, again, I don't know much about her except I'm guessing that she's in love with Peter. I'll give you the same warning, only opposite: don't make her totally evil. Everyone has layers.

Red: He's totally my favorite character so far! I adore him. The only thing that bothered me was that at first he was 'a youth' but after that, you kept referring to him as 'the man,' which was slightly odd.

One final note on characters: I found it very hard to care for either Violet or Peter in the beginning because I didn't know who they were until too late. I didn't even know if the protagonist was male or female. And you absolutely need the reader to care about the characters, especially the protagonist in a first person perspective, or else they won't keep reading.

HISTORICAL FICTION

I'm a little confused as to how Peter and Violet got together, since she herself notes that they aren't exactly the most...predictable for each other, I guess. I'm guessing that he swept her off her feet? Anyway, it would be nice to know more of their background, since it obviously wasn't the most typical get-together.

I've also just realized I don't know how old they are; I'd guess late teens to early twenties, but I shouldn't have to guess, y'see. At least mention whether they're in school. The more we know about a character, the easier it is to get invested in their story.

ZOMGSH, KEEP WRITING

...because I need to know what happens with Violet. Anyway, I'm done, finally! Hope this helped, and feel free to PM me if you need anything!

xxx

Mars

Hey there Ofir! June here!

Aww, no replies on your previous post? In the future, if you want a review, feel free to PM me. I'm usually up to reviewing, unless I am lazy.


Anyway! Mars has got to all the important stuff, so I can do a (lazy) overall! But...

He rolled his eyes at me, half a smile on his faced.

Faced there should be face, dear. ^_^



Aside from that, I didn't find any errors.

I hope you continue this! It'd be interesting to find out more about the characters, and discover the source of hatred from Clarissa to the MC. Like Mars has mentioned, it will be interesting to know the history between the two of them and even the history behind the band.


Good job! And good luck writing!


June

Wow. So I loved it. I think you MC could use so more developing. Maybe you could go into detail about everything more, eh? It seemed kind of rushed to me, but it was still really great. I really can't wait to read more.

Oh, and maybe you could put in like the past between Peter and your MC, so we could know how they got started. =] And I really do want to read more on why Clarissa hates Violet so much.

For something you just came up with this is brilliant. I like Violet, you've given her realistic character and she is so 'the woman behind the man' Nothing much I could say about the other characters, since this only the beginning, but I will gladly wait for updates.