Crying Moon - Preface

*So, as I said I'm not sure if this could turn to serie level, like with chapters. So, I really need help on this one, so please review!*

I flew again to the same spot I had been for days, watching the girl grieve.
"I am not broken!" she screamed to no one. "I am not in despair!"
She stood alone in an empty, dusty room, with nothing more than a black grand piano.
"I am not empty! I am not weak!" Tears were rolling down her face, forming a sea of sadness at her bare feet.
"I am not a failure, and I will not fail!" she shouted in frustration and fell to her knees.
She brought her hands to her face, covering her tears; a gesture of shame.
She was ashamed for being weak. For crying for someone who was not worth it. She knew that. Oh, how well she knew! She just couldn't help it. It's what you do when someone you loved betrayed you.
The teenage girl got up from the floor, but still, she cried. Her fingers touched the keys of the black piano, lightly, as if asking for permission, for forgiveness. Her tears did not stop, but ran silently.
Without a sheet, she started playing a sad melody. Her fingers lingered on the keys, cold as death itself, with an affection never seen by me.
Falling... I heard the name of the melody.
I could hear her thoughts, other than her screams.
I am not broken.
I could hear her pain.
I am not weak!
I could ease her pain.
I am not hurt! This last thought screamed louder.
Yes, I could ease her pain, but I shouldn't. She was not mine to rescue for she was a victim of love.
She had a broken soul. Can someone live with a shattered soul?
One thing is a broken heart; someone can always mend it. Another is your soul, your existence to be condemned to a broken life.
Her tears stopped with the music, but I knew they would wake up again. She too, fell asleep, laying herself on the piano keys.
The sky started crying, too. I agitated my black wings, and flew away, leaving a broken life behind.

*Again if I turn this to a story, rather than a one shot, the first chapter will have more description on the characters. oh and if anyone wants to hear the melody: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUULvAWQ ... re=related. Oh and in the poll I know enough it's wrongly spelled*

I liked it!
It was very interesting to read and I'd love to read more - so pretty please turn this into a series?


A few things I've noticed while reading:
-> De-capitalize "She" after her words

-> Try to vary with sentence structure. As of now, it's basically always *"..." she screamed* and that gets kind of repetitive and doesn't sound as nice as having different sentences.
An example: Instead of "I am not broken!" She screamed. "I am not in despair!" She affirmed, to no one. , write something like "I am not broken!" she screamed. "I am not in despair!"
I don't know how to explain it, but you don't always need to follow with "she said" or something.


Also, I was a little confused with the narrative perspective. At first, it seems to be written from her POV, but then there's suddenly a first person narrator who's watching her. I'd suggest that maybe, you show us that he (?) is watching her at the very beginning of the chapter, so we know it's not supposed to be a third-person narrator.

She knew that. Oh, if she knew it!

You contradict yourself here. I think the second sentence should be something like "Oh, how well she knew".



Other than that, as I already said, I really liked it. The plot seems to be very interesting!

Keep it up, and PM me if you post another chapter, alright?
MySunshine

This was good, but I think it needs something.

I flew again to the same spot I had been for days, watching the girl grief.

grief should be grieve

She stood alone on an empty dusty room, with nothing more than a black grand piano.

on should be in

Tears rolling down her face, running a sea of sadness at her bare feet.

THat last part doesn't make sense. How about- Tears flowed down her face, forming a see of sadness on the floor. If this doesn't work then maybe you should just consider cutting it out all together.

The teenage girl got up from the floor, but still, she cried.

This was your chance to use hyperbole in depth. For example like she struggled to her feet, the pain almost too much to bare. I don't think, however, that every so many sentences you have to remind us that she's crying. You can state it once in the beginning and end, that should be enough. Just hint at it.

Her tears stopped with the music, but I knew they would wake up again. She too, fell asleep, laying herself on the keyboard.

It was a piano, right? Well than this should be piano keys instead of keyboard.

Overall it was a decent read. I think it's kind of predictable though with this certain plot and was a tad melodramatic at times. Should it be made into a series? I don't think think it's ready/ Like I said before, it needs something.

Okay, I think you have a very good idea. You have great imagery and eveyrthing flowed together really well. I just think you need a bit more. An 'edge' so to speak, to really bring this piece to the next level. Make it your own. Give it your own style. Make it unique.

I think this definitely has potential. It just needs a nudge in the right direction. Just really characterize your characters, make them all your own, make them all original and concentrate on getting down your plot. If you have a solid plot, I say go for the series! Make it a book! If you have the ambition, this will thrive.

Good luck!

"I am not broken!" she screamed to no one. "I am not in despair!"
She stood alone in an empty dusty room, with nothing more than a black grand piano.
"I am not empty! I am not weak!" she screamed again. Tears rolling down her face, running a sea of sadness at her bare feet.
"I am not a failure and I will not fail!" she shouted in frustration, and fell to her knees.

Pretty, but, is it meant to be realistic in speech pattern? Because I know if I was upset perhaps I'd start with 'I am not broken' then it'd be 'I'm not in despair!' 'I'm not empty and I'm not weak!'. You see what I mean? also 'I will not fail', I think it would sound better if you put 'I wont fail', but maybe that's just me.

She was ashamed for being weak. For crying for someone who was not worth it. She knew that.

Oh I know that one! It's very truthful, I like truth. I take it this character is a fairly rational person then?

Her fingers touched the keys of the black piano, lightly. As if asking for permission, for forgiveness.

Perfect. Just, perfect.

Falling... , I heard the name of the melody.

I could be wrong, but I don't think the comma should be there.

She had a broken soul. Can someone live with no soul?

That's a bit of a contradiction, is it broken, or does she not have one? Or does having a broken one mean you need to throw it away? If so why? You should expand on that I think, it could be very interesting if done properly.

This piece has awesome potential, you should defiantly write more. I also loved the song by the way. ^^

Peace and rice cakes, Hotaru-chan.

Hiya! I hadn't noticed there was a preface. I'll review this now. I'm here to do grammar and overall for you, Kat, buddy. [To quote "The Dark Knight"] And here... we... go!

She stood alone in an empty, dusty room, with nothing more than a black grand piano.

"I am not empty! I am not weak!" she screamed again. Tears rolling down her face, [s]running[/s]forming a sea of sadness at her bare feet. I felt forming sounded better.

"I am not a failure[b], and I will not fail!" she shouted in frustration[s],[/s] and fell to her knees.

Her fingers touched the keys of the black piano, lightly. As if asking for permission, for forgiveness. Her tears did not stop, but ran silently. As others have noted, this line was wonderful. Probably my favorite of the preface. Just gorgeous.

Her tears stopped with the music, but I knew they would wake up again. She, too, fell asleep, laying herself on the piano keys.

The sky started crying, too. I agitated my black wings[s],[/s] and flew away, leaving a broken life behind.

Kat! *high fives* I love this story! The emotion was there. This makes Music happy. Hehe. I loved the involvement of the piano; it was wonderful. I expect updates, missy! Gold star, coming your way!

Love,
Music.

Hi Writewatiwant. I'm The.Dreamwalker, although some people call me just dreamwalker or dreamy, and I will be your reviewer for today.

For this piece I'm going to make an exception to my normal critiquing rule. I usually start of with the critique then move into my analysis but I think I'll start off with the analysis today.

Okay so, my overall opinion of this work was that it was interesting, and different, but confusing. I didnt know how much of it I really liked to be completely honest with you.

Yes I very much enjoyed the idea of the beginning and I must say, I'm a huge fan of Yiruma. You also did well with the holding back of information when it comes to specific areas and such, but still it was very confusing in a sense.

Maybe it's because it felt like it jumped from third person to first person, or at least appeared to be that way. If you're going to have it in first person, Put you lead in right away, and thats not just for a sentence in the beginning. Really show that character through, give us some info. Dont wait, or you'll confuse your readers into putting the book down. Thats just a little tip of mine. Okay so now I think I should move onto a critique.

I am not broken!" she screamed to no one. "I am not in despair!

Think about this sentence thoroughly, read it out loud a few times, really try to put yourself into her emotions. If you do, I'm sure you'll realise this doesnt flow so well. You wouldn't hear someone scream out in anguish saying 'I'm not in despair!' for in a sense it does contradict itself but mostly it just sounds awkward.

Try doing something like "I'm not broken!" she cried out. "I swear! I refuse to feel the anguish of despair! I refuse to fall into such inevitable pain!" or something really poetic like that, if your going to go into such a thing.

I also recommend that you dont do 'I am not broken' I would recommmend a 'I'm not broken!'

"I am not empty! I am not weak!" she screamed again.

Using the word screamed a second time makes it sound very redundant. Use a different word like cried or sobbed.

"I am not a failure and I will not fail!"

Um.. thanks tips? Sorry but this little area just sounds completely silly. By calling yourself not a failure, it kind of already implies that you wont fail. You dont have to specify it. Your readers arent stupid.

She was ashamed for being weak.

She was ashamed of being weak.. even though for the whole beginning of the story she is screaming, literally tearing herself apart about being strong and such things. Kind of sounds silly in this sense.

piano, lightly. As if asking for permission, for forgiveness.

Dont put a period in between lightly and as. Put a comma. It would make it more flowing.

Her coldly dead fingers lingered

Coldly dead? Again a silly statement. Try, 'Her fingers lingered, cold as death itself.'

i]I am not broken.[/i]
I could hear her pain.
I am not weak!
I could ease her pain.

I particularily liked this little part. It just seemed to speak to me, although very blunt. It just had a nice feel too it. My favourite part of this piece by far.

This last thought screamed louder.

Oh the dreaded scream. Remember what I said before. Try to slim down on the same word. Wayyy to repetitive.

She was not mine to rescue. She was a victim of Love.
She had a broken soul. Can someone live with a shattered soul?

Very step-like. Try connecting the sentences. For example 'She was not mine to rescue for she was a victim of love. Her soul was broken and truly, can someone live with such a shattered soul?'

One thing is a broken heart; someone can always mend it.

Oh the dreaded semi colon. I hate the semi colon with a burning passion, not trying to say that one per chapter isn't that bad. Just try to keep it that way. One per chapter. Any more then that, and they just get plain annoying.

I agitated my black wings, and flew away,

I dont really understand the use of the word 'agitated' in this sentence. a little confusing.

So thats the end of my critique.

Over all though, I did really like this piece. If you reread and fix it up a bit, I'm sure you'll find the hidden gems in this story and soon enough your realise how wonderful it is. Just keep praticing an searcing and soon you'll find those gems. Dont give up, and if this is something you're really passionate about, then I challenge you to make this into a novel. Write more chapters, continue. Thats my challenge for you.

Well thats all for now, and if you need anything else reviewed feel free to PM me anytime!

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Good Morning, *writewatiwant*.

Here are some of my comments and/or suggestions:

1) When reading the first sentence, I felt like there could be more to it. Like here:

*I flew again to the same spot I had been for days, watching the girl grieve.
Maybe you can describe the surroundings of the spot or area. Is the person in a tree or in something else? If the person flew what did their wings look like? Or are they just black? How many times had they flew to that same spot? Just a few days like you said? Was the girl grieving the other times when the person was there?

2) Here's another sentence:

*She stood alone in an empty, dusty room, with nothing more than a black grand piano.
If she's in a dusty room, then what place is she at? Home? Piano school? Friends place, etc.? This sentence was simple but simple enough to get an idea of the place. So great job!

3) Another part:

*"I am not a failure, and I will not fail!" she shouted in frustration and fell to her knees.
She brought her hands to her face, covering her tears; a gesture of shame.
Whoa, there. This girl's in pain and suffering. There's not much I can say about this chunk besides that we (the readers) can really focus on what's she's feeling.

4) Another:

*For crying for someone who was not worth it. She knew that. Oh, how well she knew! She just couldn't help it. It's what you do when someone you loved betrayed you.
Wow, this guy must have been really special to her. She mentions that she was betrayed by her love, did he cheat on her or was it something else? Something more deep, that it hurts? Oh, how old is she besides being a teenage girl? Just a thought I had.

5) The rest:
I noticed that you kind of went back and forth with POV's. You probably didn't notice it, but it's easy to fix. Are we thinking through the outside person's view or the girl's? Or is it third point of view? With the person with the wings are they the Angel of Death or an Angel of Heaven? I was thinking an angel of death because of the black wings.

Anyway, as a reader I was drawn in. I have to admit, I truly was. This has caught my eye. And I would love to know who the winged person is and how they will play a part in the girl's life, if they do. Amazing!

Melly

Hi,
I think this is excellent. Everyone had pretty much covered what I was going to say so I shall shower you with compliments and give you advice. I was writing a novel for a while but then I found that I didn't have enough material for a novel so I turned it into a short story. It is really just a personal choice. I say go for it! However, if you feel that you are not up for the long road ahead then leave it as a short story. Either will do.

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N

Hi! I'm SuzieCake and my review is in the attachment below. =)