My big brother

This poem seems a bit 'off' to me but I can't really put my finger on what exactly
Please help!

My big brother
You showed me the things I wanted to see.
I was drowning in their ignorance,
lost in their lies of
hate.
You did everything you could
to help me find myself
for who I always wanted ot be.

Dad would simply shout while mum would just cry,
You hugged me, told me we'd be alright.
You always made me
laugh.
No matter how lost I felt
you found me every time.
There through every fall and every lie.

They broke my soul until I was nothing
but an empty, forgotten shell.
Your smile lit up my
world,
every time it came crashing in.
Made me feel tall and proud,
made me feel like I was worth something.

I wish I'd known the truth behind your mask,
the feelings you hid behind your words.
I smiled while you would
cry.
No one was there to comfort you,
no one smiling for you,
the way you were always there for me.

So now I can never be me again.
Mum and dad blame themselves but I know
who there is to blame.
Me.
My problems were all that mattered,
all that people noticed,
while yours were just ignored, forgotten.

I could search the entire earth,
but I could never find another.
For you were the one, the only; my big brother.


Wow, I just realised that there's a poem about a little borther something like two poems beneath me! lol!

Hai Megan! Juniper here!

You write a lot of poetry, don't you? You're fairly good at it.


I think that one of the main things about the poem that stands out as "off" to me is the lack of connection in it. It's about you and your brother, apparently, which is a very close relationship, but somehow I'm feeling that it's lacking connectivity to you.

You tell us that he helped you through hard times, but in telling us that you're telling us, but you're not really telling us. You're saying it, but you're being so general, so unspecific that it's pretty hard to pinpoint what he helped you with.

I don't know if you could add anything about your brother's feelings to this, because it would invariably be tricky to know what he was feeling-- yet, if you could add a touch of something that he felt, something that we could reflect on, you'd definitely have a better chance at interesting the audience.




(In the first stanza, you misspelled "to", dear.)


I think you did a good job here, dear. As you said, it's pretty hard to point out what seems off, but I think this has a lot of potential. Keep it up.


Juniper

Hello!

Is this a known structure, or did you make it up? It looks nice, the way the stanzas are all the same shape, but I don't know if it really adds to the poem. Especially the lines with just one word on them. If a word is by itself on a line, it's gotta be pretty important. I think when it's "Me." it works, but in some of the other stanzas, the word just seemed like it got plunked there.

I was drowning in their ignorance,

lost in their lies of

hate.

What does this really mean? I read it through once & just glossed over this part. But looking back, the words seem kind of empty, even though I think you are trying to convey a very dark feeling. The words sound poem-y, but they don't carry a lot of weight.

I don't like how the last three lines aren't in the same form as the rest. It seems abrupt and disconnected. I feel like it's missing some of the speaker's emotion at the end.

Really sad... Good job!
-Rachel