Lavender Napkin Rings

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Hello, Hannah! I'm Andromeda, here to critique your work today!

“Should the napkins be lavender [there should be a comma here.] or this baby blue?” She holds the napkins up, one in each French-tipped hand. <-- I think 'French-manicured hand' would work better.

“We’re going to get old [comma here] and I’ll build us ramps with handles instead of stairs.”

Her dark eyelashes open and close around pale blue irises in a deliberate dance. He shakes his head, then speaks.

I love this description.

With one knee against the floor, he sings up at his fiancée,

I don't like the 'sings up' part. How about, 'sings up to,' or, 'sings to'?

“Because I like shopping,” she says and folds her arms across her chest. “And because I need to go shopping for my job. My career. I can’t just show up in sweat pants or jeans, for Christ’s sake.”

I think it would be nice if she said what her job was here.

This time [comma here] his tears fall.

I really enjoyed this piece! I think your emotion was wonderful. Your imagery was nice, but I'd suggest taking it to the next level by adding in scents and such. It would help to really make this 3D.

Your storyline was brilliant and very realistic. I liked your characters, but I think it would be nice to read a few reasons why they first fell for each other in the first place, not just how he asked her out.

Aside from those things, I see nothing that needs to be improved on here. ^^

PM me with any questions!

--Andromeda

There isn’t a single bad thing I can say about this piece. It reminds me a bit of my dad and my step mom when they got married except that I had to plan most of it because I’m the only one in my house who knows how to multitask or stay organized.

I just have one little suggestion to make though:

He reaches out to pull the check list [s] from her hands[/s] and then takes her delicate, pale fingers in his tan, worn hands.

The word ‘hand’ is used twice in this sentence which is too much. Maybe after ‘list’ add ‘away from her’. I’m sure you can find a better way to rewrite this.

But you can see the conflict throughout this piece. You can feel the man suddenly realizing that his fiancé isn’t all he thought she was and that they might not work out. I love the dialogue as well and I absolutely adore how you characterize your characters. They are both independent and distinct from one another.

Overall this is very good and disserves a huuuge gold star. Good luck on the contest as I’m guessing its for Cal’s contest.

~lilymoore