When I See Your Eyes

When I see your eyes
I see you and me
Together Forever
When I see your eyes
I am in bliss
But I know it will never happen
I am leaving and never coming back
You will miss me
But you will never know that I loved you
More than anything on this planet
You only think of me as a best friend
Nothing more
But I love you very much
And you will never know
How much I I want you
I wish I can you give you a kiss
Before I leave
But I cant
Beacuse I will never be with you
When I see your eyes
I feel a sorrow in my heart
Becuase soon I will never see you again
I will remember you as my true love
But you will most likely forget
About me
I will remember you forever
But I will always know
That you will never feel the same way back

Hey there! June here!

Welcome to YWS! Before I begin your review, I just want to tell you that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy which means that for every 1 piece of literature you submit, you should have completed two reviews prior to your submission. =)


Onto the poem!

• Idea of the poem

- I think that you have a decent idea to work with; love, falling in love, potential love-- it's all pretty common, which makes it an easy thing to write about. Sometimes it's pretty much overdone, but that's not always an entirely bad thing.

- It's kind of centered around the narrator; the narrator is leaving, but the narrator is telling the person he/she is leaving that "you will miss me". It's relying heavily on the 'you message' almost as if the narrator is the only one that cares.

• Structure


- I think you have a decent structure. I like the free-form, free-flow style, not limiting yourself to rhyme, line length, rhythm-- just writing the words as you'd think of them.



• Organization and presenting


- As far as organization, it kind of feels like the narrator had too many thoughts going through his/her head and couldn't sort them out appropriately. It kind of seems like they've just tossed all of their thoughts this way, because it's almost like you've started an idea, didn't quite finish, jumped to another, and returned to the previous. Trust me, that's not an entirely bad thing.


- There's too much "wavering thought" here in this poem. By wavering thought, I mean that it feels as if you want to say something but you're holding back and not saying it for some reason. I think you should just write it all out instead of hinting at something.


- Your way of presenting was kind of off as well, dear. Instead of being able to read this fluently, we're stopped by words like "but", "because", and other little words like this that can otherwise be eliminated.


• Things I want to point out:

How much I I want you

- Only need one I in that line, dear.

But I cant

- cant should be can't; the appropriate contraction for cannot.

Beacuse I will never be with you

Beacuse should be because, dear.

Becuase soon I will never see you again

Same thing here on because. ^_^



On the whole, I think you've got a pretty decent piece to work with. Keep it up, and welcome to YWS!


June

I like the poem. Try to edit first though. There are someparts that are a little rough and confusing. I really liked how you backed up your reasons for why you couldn't do what you wanted. Many people I know can relate to what you are saying.

TheTwilightDog -


The subject matter is old: love, especially the unrequited variety, has been a stable source of inspiration for poets through the ages. The presentation of it here, absent of any literary trope (imagery, metaphor, metonymy, rhyme, etc.), is weak.

The technical merits of the poem are likewise non-existent. It might be useful to read each line and ask why you chose to break it where you did; to my eyes, all of them were broken at the end of a clause, and this led me to wonder why the poetic form (versus the fictive/narrative) was the chosen vehicle for these feelings. It would certainly be helpful for you to think about what poetry is and does, why it's different from fiction, and how your poem fits (or fails to fit) those categories.

Outside of the falling in/out of love story, nothing holds the piece together. June touched on this problem, but it's really the central failing. The poem currently is an address to another person - to "you" (the reader?) - which is fine, but it doesn't speak to anything outside of the narrator-you relationship. Most people read poetry because they want to know something, because they want to see the world from a different perspective, but your poem offers neither new ways of knowing nor new ways of seeing. It appears to your readers, or this reader, as nothing more than a private letter masquerading as a poem—not the other way round.


Take care,
Brad