Butterfly Girl

This is my first song so it's not the best I can do. this is for a guy to sing. Don't ask why it's called Butterfly girl, 'cause I don't know. The song just popped into my head so I wrote it down.

Butterfly Girl

verse 1
I'm tired of living this life I'm living,
tired of no one knowing my name
gonna leave this life far behind, but

chorus
I'll be sure to send you a post card
cause you're my butterfly girl, Yeah
I'll be sure to send you a post card,
My butterfly. butterfly girl.

verse 2
And if you're feeling lonely
see what tomorrow brings
yes when you're feeling lonely
(spoken)
you can look in your post box
for a post card from me
'cause just like I promised
(sung)

chorus
(whispered)
Now girl I know you're sad,
but if you do as I say,
everything'll be o.k.
(soft)
look, look in
look in your x3
(shouted)
Mailbox

chorus

bridge
Dear butterfly girl I know I hurt you real bad,
I think your probably still sad
I know you're still made at me girl. Oh,
if you can find room in your heart to for give me
girl, I'd like you to live with me.

verse 3
oh, I got a job in San Fransisco.
I sing every Friday night.
it sure would mean a lot to me if you came to hear me sing

(loud)
And girl didn't I tell you I'd write you a post card
(softer)
I wrote you a love song and I'd like you to hear it
(whispered)
girl I really miss you,
Love,
your man.

Hello!
Alright, let's get to it, shall we? I was glad that you had a structure to your song. You wouldn't believe how many songs are posted without a chorus. On that note, verse 1 and 3 were rather short, and verse 2 was twice their length. Try to keep verses consistent and break from form during the bridge (which you did). When I read this, I got a natural melody in my head. It was sweet and gentle, but then I got further in and it didn't work anymore, But of course, I have no idea how you meant this to sound. Not bad.

Hey, I also really liked this. The structure was sound and you presented a subject in a new and refreshing way. It was pretty unique and without being too corny, it conveyed hurt and longing and devotion and all the other stuff that comes with love. Bravo.

Some lines I struggled with. For example, I think this one could be revised:

Dear butterfly girl I know I hurt you real bad,

I just think there's too my syllables in this line, considering the next two are much shorter. I would work on your rhyme scheme too. It seems a little forced at times.

oh, I got a job in San Fransisco.
I sing every Friday night.

I liked this line. It was believable.

girl I really miss you,
Love,
your man.

I think it would be more fitting if you wrote 'Love, your boy,' considering you just said 'girl'. I don't know. It's just a suggestion.

Anyway, I really liked this. I think it would work wonderfully with the right melody.

Nice job!

u have to change 'made' to mad. the lyrics arent that bad. no line really pops in my head though. maybe i'd have to listen to it with the tune.

it seems like it could be a country song, or an alternative pop/rock, We the Kings-ey kind of song. i wonder how the production would turn out

the 'butterfly girl' stands out, so keep that. you should really write about how she is the butterfly girl! maybe she has a butterfly tattoo or, something about butterflies connects the two people. or maybe her pretty eyes remind him of butterflies

Oops type-o!
sorry about that and i agree that it should have some explanation. i actually wrote it 'cause i wrote this story about a musician who falls in love with this girl on the swim team. lol that's where the butterfly girl comes from. it's a pretty good story but i lost it. i think i might rewrite it.

Lexcy wrote:Oops type-o!
sorry about that and i agree that it should have some explanation. i actually wrote it 'cause i wrote this story about a musician who falls in love with this girl on the swim team. lol that's where the butterfly girl comes from. it's a pretty good story but i lost it. i think i might rewrite it.

wow that story def did not come through at all. now that you mention it, im not really sure how the story would fit. it is nice now, but i was thinking of writing about a different story to the song.
it will be interesting to see how you incorporate that into the current lyrics. dont make it turn into an asher roth kind of song. or that weird white rapper that parodies songs. because they just write songs out of anything.

but hmm. a song about a girl on the swimteam, who swims butterfly.
keep it graceful like it already sort of is, and you'll be fine

I like the lyrics but I think you need another verse explaining about the butterfly girl bit. Maybe going into detail about why she is butterfly girl, maybe she flew away from him or something metaphoric like that.