Empty

I'm not moving forward
I'm not moving back
I'm stuck right here
Emotions I do lack

This world is empty
There's nothing here
No reason to be afraid
No reason to fear

This world is a black hole
That sucks me inside
It stretches on forever
There's no place to hide

There's no reason to live
So many reasons to die
When the world is so blank
Why do I even try?

I can't take this anymore
I honestly don't care
Life without a purpose
Just does not seem fair

=]

Hello, Chomperlover, and welcome to YWS! First thing, you should review at least two other peoples' works before you post your own, so make sure you get on that. Now for your poem. I have to say, this poem is very basic and dull. It needs some serious work. The length of your lines is very short, which can work in poems, but in this case very much limits you. I'd suggest lengthening your lines until you really get the hang of writing poems. Next, you desperately need punctuation. For this poem, I'd suggest doing something like this for each stanza:
"I'm not moving forward,
I'm not moving back,
I'm stuck right here;
Emotions I do lack."
The rhyme scheme is consistent, but it is extremely forced, and the rhymes are very simple. Try making your rhymes flow better, so they don't seem so stiff. The content of the poem itself is decent, and always has potential, but to me, it seems a little cliched. Add some original metaphors, or some imagery to spice this poem up, and make it more enjoyable to read. The writing in general is alright, but as I have said, very basic. To make a poem good, you need something that grips the reader's attention, so test out a different writing style. I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but I think you definitely have potential, and I want you to try to reach it! Keep writing!

Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!

First I think that your poem was absolutely superb! I love the concept of it. There are no mistakes that I detected, but I might have missed something. And the other thing is, I just learned this because I'm also new, that you have to review at least, I think, two posts for every one you put up. Lastly, you may want to put punctuations in your poem so the whole thing does not run together.

Well, that is all! Bye!

Okay so. My name's Schem, and I'm here to review your poem. Welcome.

Now the first thing I find throghout the poem is that you force your rhymes to the point of bringing the poem down. Not all poems have to rhyme, and sometimes making it so can really ruin a poem, so consider striking out into open.

Now my second is that it doesn't really seem to serve that much of a purpose. Suicidal thoughts, sure, but you're lacking in lines that have much originality or punch, to speak. They're very short.

The first verse is alright, actually, and also the mention of a black hole, asides from the forced rhyming, again. It's not bad but it's nothing particularly creative or ground-breaking. Not that it needs to be, but it lacks the key purpose of a poem: making the reader feel the same as you.

Consider lengthening the lines or the poem, dropping your rhymes, and adding some more imagery. You might also want to revise the rhythm since you slip up in a couple of places.

Overall it's a pretty flat poem that needs a lot of revisions to have any impact other than 'well, that wasn't very satisfying'. You've taken a very serious subject and somehow sapped the life out of it, mainly because, and this isn't you fault, it's hopelessly overdone.

Sorry to be harsh, and I hope you can continue to improve on this site.

Hi
I did like this poem a lot, and I thought it was pretty ironic to put a smiley on the end.
The only thing I would have to say is you put across such powerful and deep emotions in a very generic way. It almost spoils the effect you get from the poem as it has a very simplistic rhythm when read that but about something so complex. Then again you language when describing these emotions is good, and I find myself empathizing with them. Oh and you might want to do some reviews, people get a bit narked on this site if you don't