I'm so, so sorry

It's odd to know that,
less than 24 hours ago,
you were standing by my side,
urging me to do the things
that I've always wanted to do.
You were my supporter,
my mentor,
my hero,
and my friend.
There was never a time where,
when I needed advice,
you couldn't be at my side to help me.
I like how you're always a phone call away,
and even when you needed "me-time",
you were always willing to help at a moment's notice.

They say they found you swinging from the rafters,
a rope around your neck, and a tear down your cheek.
You didn't leave a note, which perplexes me:
how can someone who loved the world,
leave it so violently?
They say that for the last few moments of your life,
only one phrase left your lips:
"I'm sorry,
I'm so, so sorry."

Hi, Flemzo! I'm Jon!

I like how you're always a phone call away,

The person you are talking to is obviously dead. So, "You are" is not right. You could say, "I like how you were..." "I like how you'd" (If you want to use "You'd", depending on what you want the style to be.) But anyway, yes. Watch out for past/future tenses.

only one phrase left your lips:

"I'm sorry,

I'm so, so sorry."

Once again with the future and past tenses. If the people found her swinging, then they couldn't have heard her. You might want to change up how they found her. Say that they ran in as she was just about to do it and then she said that. Otherwise, they wouldn't have known she said that.


Well, this was a short review. I found nothing else wrong with this other than the problems with the past and future "mishaps".

Overall: I liked this poem. However, I thought it could have been a tad longer. I read it, it was getting good, then it ended. I would like to see a little more imagery in this too. I'm not saying you didn't have imagery, because you did, but more would be nice. Describe how the rope was. What she was wearing. The dimness of the warehouse. (Add the word warehouse. It'd give it something extra. )


Anyway, I'm not expecting a review back. The pleasure was all mine.


---Jon---

Jon talked about the "you" in this poem as a she. Funny, I thought of it as a he the whole time. Which is it?

I found the first section of the poem boring and somewhat trite. It didn't give me the strong emotions that the speaker obviously feels. I would suggest trying to make it more original. There's nothing really interesting about saying "You were always there for me." Perhaps a metaphor or more imagery could carry more emotion.

and even when you needed "me-time",

I don't think this expression belongs in any poem anywhere. I find it kind of embarrassing, really. I also think the quote marks did something to take away from the power of the words. It creates a pause, and I imagine the speaker using over-exaggerated air quotes. I don't think that's the image you are trying to convey.

You didn't leave a note, which perplexes me:

how can someone who loved the world,

leave it so violently?

The use of the colon suggests that the two ideas are related, but I don't see any tie between them. What does not leaving a note have to do with the violence of the death?

I agree with Jon - once the reader is really interested, the poem ends. I think adding the feelings of the speaker would help. Does the speaker have any idea why he/she is sorry? Does it have something to do with the speaker? Well, it seems to, but I definitely want to know MORE!

I think with changing around the beginning a bit and adding more, this would be really stellar!
-rachel

I like how you started with a flashback, it sets the mood and lets us know who the MC is. Plus, when you went to when they found her, it made since since you had a little glimpse of the present in the flashback. Also, while they found her, it sounded like she was alive long enough to say those words. It sounded like they found her too late to save her and too early to find her dead. I loved it. You have a poetic mind, so don't listen to those who try to change the last paragraph.

I really liked this!

I agree with Juciebox that I love the way you start the poem ith a flashback, it's really clever! You get to know the MC in the flashback as well, so that is great!

I must agree also though with some other people that you lack the use of metaphors and some emotions. You are also being rather vauge, you need to explain things more I think. But that is just my opinon so ignore it completely if you want!

I'm not saying that there isn't any imaginary at all in this though, otherwise I wouldn't like it! Use some more metaphors and descriptions and it would improve it!

Overall, I really did like this! All you need to do is revise it, polish it up with some more metaphors, similies e.t.c and then this poem could be great!

Hope I heped a bit, I'll be waiting for my review

Meg xoxo

Hey there Flem! June here =]

This poem is brilliant. Very strong with emotion and excellently written. I won't even touch on nitpicks at all.


I agree with Juicebox; starting this poem as a flashback really sets the tone for the reader, letting us know the MC's connection with this person and how they felt towards them. Instead of this poem dropping weights of sorrow on us, it's rather posing as if the MC is confused and unsure now. The way you've written this really, really allows us to sympathize with this character.

I think it's beautiful how you've written this, Flem. You haven't centered any of these ideas strongly around the narrator, yet, it's about the narrator now. It's as if now, this character is realizing how much this person could have been hurting.

I have a lot of thoughts about this running through my head, but it's tricky to try and get them out onto the screen.

I really enjoyed this, Flem. Keep up the good work.

June