Vampire Super Models

I thought I felt my heart skip a beat as I processed the words. I nearly jumped up screaming, but thankfully I stopped myself just in time. I had to be cool.
"Hi," I breathed, "I'm Roxy Moon, and I defiantly have considered modeling."
His alien green eyes flashed, "Excellent! Here's my card. You need to make an appointment before the end of February. You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview," He explained, handing me the silver business card.
I took it carefully, and felt a shiver run down my spine as I accidentally brushed against his icy hand. "Thank you so much Mr. Armstrong."
He waved his hand dismissively, "A beautiful girl like you can just call me Chris, Roxy." Then he ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair as if he were suddenly nervous.
"Thank you Chris, I'll be sure to see you before the end of this month." I managed. I was defiantly having breathing problems by now.
"I'll be looking forward to that. Anyway, I have to be on my way now. Many things to do today," He said sighing. "Goodbye Roxy, even though I'm sure we’ll soon be meeting again." He then slowly lifted my hand and gently kissed it.
I gasped, his lips were so cold! If I wasn't looking I would have thought someone had pressed an ice cube to my hand. I then blushed at my stupidity, of course he was going to be cold, he was a vampire!
"Goodbye Chris." I whispered. He smiled and gracefully drifted out the coffee shop door.
I gave a huge ragged exhale after he had enough time to get out of earshot. I was almost offered a modeling job by the guy of my dreams! I had to text Vanessa about this.
I pawed through my purse until I found my cell phone and typed, "You will never guess what just happened. I am coming over. Immediately! - Roxy"
I struggled out of the chair and gathered my things. I skipped to my Mustang and hopped in. Just then I got a reply from Vanessa. It said, "Hey Roxy, This must be big! I can't wait. - V" I closed my phone and sped to my best friends house.
I took the steps two at a time until I reached Vanessa's door. I knocked loudly then leaned against the wall. It takes V a long time to answer the door.
Vanessa opened the door dramatically, "Come in!" she yelled yanking me by the arm into her apartment. I looked around, what a mess. Vanessa was never the tidy one in the best friend relationship. She pulled me towards the couch and we both fell onto it.
"Now. What’s going on?" Vanessa asked me giddily. I took the business card out of my coat pocket and watched as she gasped in amazement.
"You met Christopher Armstrong?!" Vanessa squealed in disbelief.
"Yes!" I burst, I couldn't control it anymore. I started giggling like a maniac and picked up Vanessa's stereo remote, "It's time to dance, V!" I switched on the music so loud the bass could have knocked her windows out, and we danced and celebrated for what seemed like hours.

Heya Lovly_Audrey!

So this is the second chapter I've been waiting. Yeah, I'm glad to say that you did, again, a very great job... Very well done!

Perhaps, you could just regard this second chapter as the second part of your chapter one since that it looked very like the continuation of the the scene in the first chapter. If it's alright...

Getting critiqual, I must have said that you really got a talent, a very nice talent. I found it very hard to spot some errors or mistakes on your work.

Here are just some of those errors I've spotted and some suggestions:

I thought I felt my heart skip a beat as I processed the words.

This isn't an error. But I would suggest you ditch "I thought" so that you start with "I felt my heart skip a beat as I processed the words."

It is just that "I thought" could exaggerate the hypothetical state of "my heart skip a beat". Or could, perhaps, state that you doubt what you have just felt.

But you could rephrase it to:
"As if my heart skipped a beat as I processed the words."
This, I guess, could sound the same thing as to what you have written.

His alien green eyes flashed, "Excellent! Here's my card. You need to make an appointment before the end of February. You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview," He explained, handing me the silver business card.

This must be:
"His alien-green eyes flashed, "Excellent! Here's my card. You need to make an appointment before the end of February. You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview," he explained, handing me the silver business card.

See, not much errors. Just the "alien green" to "alien-green" to make it a single word to describe his eyes. And the "He" to "he" 'cause of the comma. Just remember that if your quoted words ended with a period, it must be followed with a capital letter and the otherwise for commas. For instance,
"You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview." (period) He explained.
"You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview," (comma) he explained.

I then blushed at my stupidity, of course he was going to be cold, he was a vampire!

Perhaps it could be better if you've written this as:
1. "I then blushed at my stupidity. Of course he must be so cold; he was a vampire."
2. "I then blushed at my stupidity -- of course he should be so cold. He was a vampire.
3. "I then blushed at my stupidity. Of course he should/must be so cold; he was a vampire.

It is just that "he was going to be cold" means another thing -- a future-tensed statement that could mean "sooner or later, he will be so cold." Wrong, wrong...

I was almost offered a modeling job by the guy of my dreams!

Just get rid of "almost" 'cause I'm very much certain that she was offered. If there's "almost" in it, it could mean something different - that she was nearly or about to be offered. And in that case, she wasn't offered at all. So better yet, erase "almost" and replace it with "just" so that it is:
"I was JUST offered a modeling job by the guy of my dreams!"
And presto! That's what you meant!

Vanessa was never the tidy one in the best friend relationship.

This was confusing. Perhaps you meant:

1. "Vanessa was never the tidy one among all of my best friends."
2. "Vanessa was never tidy like any of my other best friends."

These are just suggestions, but if you'd like, just rephrase it.



Sooo there...ON THE TOTALITY:

I really loved your story and how you manage to put your own madness in it. Honestly, I was scared that the beauty of your work would fade away as you start the next chapter -- just like any other novelist. But you did well! And the beauty was still there just like on the beginning. Hope you'll continue this 'til the end...

Keep writing and I would surely sink my teeth on your work 'til the very end!

Hello again! I found chapter two. yay! I have every faith its going to be as good as chapter one. shall we see?


I thought I felt my heart skip a beat as I processed the words. I nearly jumped up screaming, but thankfully I stopped myself just (cut just, it bogs the sentence down a little. I'm learning that the hard way) in time. I had to be cool.

"Hi," I breathed, "I'm Roxy Moon, and I defiantly have considered modeling." (the response seems unnatural to me. Can you reword it at all? Like, is she even this eloquent? Does she just open her mouth and look like a fish for a while (which I would do)? Maybe a cool "Why yes I have" would be better)

His alien (I see where you're going with word choice here, but I'm not keen on "alien,2 given that you previously described him as the most gorgeous man alive. The connotations are wrong. Care to find a different word? Emerald or jade perhaps? ) green eyes flashed, "Excellent! Here's my card. You need to make an appointment before the end of February. You have to try on the clothes and have a proper interview," He explained, handing me the silver business card.

I took it carefully, and felt a shiver run down my spine (I'm sorry to say this, but the shiver down the spine is a little clichee. If you really want to improve, try finding some new things to say) as I accidentally brushed against his icy hand. "Thank you so much Mr. Armstrong."

He waved his hand dismissively, "A beautiful girl like you can just call me Chris, Roxy." Then he ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair as if he were suddenly nervous. (How does he know her name? Intriguing...)

"Thank you Chris, I'll be sure to see you before the end of this month." I managed. I was defiantly having breathing problems by now.

"I'll be looking forward to that. Anyway, I have to be on my way now. Many things to do today," He said sighing. "Goodbye Roxy, even though I'm sure we’ll soon be meeting again." He then slowly lifted my hand and gently kissed it.

I gasped, his lips were so cold! If I wasn't looking I would have thought someone had pressed an ice cube to my hand. I then blushed at my stupidity, of course he was going to be cold, he was a vampire! (I don't like the end of this paragraph. Perhaps end it with "my stupidity". We definately know already that he is a vampire, so don't say it again.)

"Goodbye Chris." I whispered. He smiled and gracefully (don't say gracefully) drifted out the coffee shop door.

I gave a huge ragged exhale after he had enough time to get out of earshot. I was almost offered a modeling job by the guy of my dreams! I had to text Vanessa about this.

I pawed through my purse until I found my cell phone and typed, "You will never guess what just happened. I am coming over. Immediately! - Roxy"

I struggled out of the chair and gathered my things. I skipped to my Mustang and hopped in. Just then I got a reply from Vanessa. It said, "Hey Roxy, This must be big! I can't wait. - V" I closed my phone and sped to my best friends (friend's) house.

I took the steps two at a time until I reached Vanessa's door. I knocked loudly then leaned against the wall. It takes V a long time to answer the door. (nice detail there!)

(These couple of paragraphs, though, are a little like a list. Need some more emotion here, or some reference to the fact that she's really excited. Maybe she can't keep her thoughts on the road, or something?)

Vanessa opened the door dramatically, "Come in!" she yelled yanking me by the arm into her apartment. I looked around, what a mess. Vanessa was never the tidy one in the best friend relationship. She pulled me towards the couch and we both fell onto it.

"Now. What’s going on?" Vanessa asked me giddily. I took the business card out of my coat pocket and watched as she gasped in amazement.

"You met Christopher Armstrong?!" Vanessa squealed in disbelief. (just have squealed)

"Yes!" I burst, I couldn't control it anymore. I started giggling like a maniac and picked up Vanessa's stereo remote, "It's time to dance, V!" I switched on the music so loud the bass could have knocked her windows out, and we danced and celebrated for what seemed like hours. (like the ending. Congrats)


So yes, it was as good as chapter one, and you still have me hooked. some of your details here are really nice, and I think that your writing has improved since last we saw you. Awesome.

But I'm going to tell you something very important now, the best piece of writing advice I ever got, from a real live writer. Show, don't tell. You use a lot of adverbs in your pieces, and while that's fine, your writing will be much more grown up if you fing ways of telling us through the characters' actions, rather than merely stating. Does that make sense?

Take this as an example: You say that Chris "waved his hand dismissively," when really, the dismissive part is conveyed by the fact that he waves his hand and immidiately moves on, so the word dismissively then becomes void.

You have less of a need to show, not tell, as you write in first person, but keep it in mind. It's no ones place to try to change your style, but personally, I think my writing has improved since I got this advice.

Anyway, to end on a high note, this really was a nice progression. I'll be watching out for chapter three!

m