Black

I wrote this for English, and I really ended up liking it.


Black shadows dance under pitch-black skies,
black words spoken through angry black lies.

Black angels rise from their place in the plains,
black fire burning into thick black flames.

Black soot spread across the black valley’s trees,
black wind screeching across black hollowed seas.

Black hawks waiting, searching for their prey,
black haunting songs sung, not fearing the day.

Black ambience lights grow in the fierce black night,
black fills up all of their innocence sight.

Black memories fade that used to float through the mind,
black strings cut, releasing the strong black binds.

I liked the repetition of black, added for an interesting tone. I like it the way it is, but possibly you could go for a theme where you contrast black at the beginning of the stanza, and then have the second part be white? Just throwing it out there! Keep it up, I liked it a lot!

Quietloud,

This poem tries too hard and ends up falling flat on its face as a result.

quietloud798 wrote:Black shadows dance under pitch-black skies
Black words spoken through angry black lies

Yes, black. We get it. It's cute the first time and maybe the second, but beyond that, it sounds like the narrator is attempting to hammer in a point that already exists. Take out half of those "blacks" for starters.

Considering the style of the rest of the poem, why is the second line so abstract? It sticks out painfully because it looks like the only one that contains no imagery. Perhaps move it to the beginning or the end, that way the rest of the poem has some stylistic continuity. Or just alternate imagery vs no-imagery.

Black angels rise from their place in the plains
Black fire burning into thick black flames

Fire burning into flames? How does that make sense?

Black soot spread across the black valley’s trees
Black wind screeching across black hollowed seas

Black hawks waiting, searching for their prey
Black haunting songs sung, not fearing the day

Black ambience lights grow in the fierce black night
Black fills up all of their innocence sight

Black memories fad that use to float through the mind
Black strings cut, releasing the strong black binds

The abuse of "black" is really dragging this poem through the mud. Again, you're preaching to the choir. When you make your point, move on and don't linger on a single idea, let alone a single word. The first thing that needs to be fixed is adding some creativity to this, not labeling every object and concept with one color and leaving it at that.

The second thing to be changed is actually having a point. Right now, the reader finishes the poem feeling like it is a waste of time - and it is. So darkness envelops the Earth. So what? There needs to be content involved, not vague visual simulations and needless descriptions. Make sure that the reader knows that behind the poem, there is some meaning. Pure imagery does work with some poems, especially those about nature, but if you deliberately go out of your way to describe something as evil, you need to ensure that you are doing it for a good reason.

However, seeing as your entire poem rests on the use of the word "black", taking it out would mean deleting half the piece outright. Put this in the recycle bin and start work on a new poem without the mindless repetition.

Hope that helped.

I haven't read [or written] a couplet in a LONG time, and this made up for it. :] I love the rhymes, and as i read on, the rhythm [at least to me] was just right. Although, other people might attack your meter since it's not very consistent. Subject line? I'm not so sure. The first time i read it, i thought it was a bit shallow, made with random things that rhymed. But as i was reviewing it, I saw more depth. To me, you were trying to portray some kind of tragedy? Some kind of loss? Am i right? I don't know if i should take "the fire" literally or not. Lol! Anyway, just one problem:

Black memories fade that used to float through the mind <typo?, 'use' should be past tense.
Black strings cut, releasing the strong black binds

* Oh, and you might want to review your punctuation marks. Just needs commas and periods. Overall, i see potential here! Keep up the good work!

Edited.
There is more meaning to it; it was more about the insanity going on inside my head than anything else.
I can see where the confusion with "black fire burning into thick black flames."
It means that there was already a "fire" burning, like something that was bringing out the dark, and then it just kept growing into the "thick black flames."
If that doesn't clear up, then I'll totally fix it.
Also, the contrast between white sounds great, but I still need to work out what would sound best.
Thanks for all of your reviews, they really helped.

-Rachel

Black hawks waiting, searching for their prey,

black haunting songs sung, not fearing the day

These two lines are stron on their own, but they don't relate together. The repition of black is an intresting aspect because it brings the idea of the poem to life, though you didn't wuite grasp it in your tone. If you ever write another color poem try to tie the idea and feelings of the color into your writing.

I actually really liked this!

I am a really awful critique so think of this as you compliment review!

Like loads of people before me have said, I love your repetition of the word black! For me, it seems to bring a strong sense of feeling into the poem.

I'm not very good with rhythm but to me your rhythm seemed fine! The poem also flowed very well into each line in my opinion. Well done!

I think someone else has said this but one thing I will say is that you could do with looking over some of your punctuatiuon, not that I'm any good at it!

I aslo agree though that you could maybe, even just slightly, cut down on the repetition of the word black, not that it bugs me that much anywy!

Overall, I really did like this poem. If you looked over it again and polished it up a bit maybe, then I would love this poem!

Hope I helped a bit!

Meg xoxo