Voices In My Head

The words are flowing through my head,
As I try to recall what they've said,
they whisper secrets in my ear,
the darkest truths for me to hear.
I know not where they're coming from,
perhaps along they came from some,
long hidden tomb, locked away,
in the darkness, put there to stay.
Yet somehow they have broken free,
and came whispering along to me.
The words are flowing through my head,
and when they stop, I'll be dead.

Hey there! I figured I should raid your portfolio for something to review, and I chose this because it's recent and unreviewed, so here we go.

Ahem! You know I am a total grammar-structure-punctuation freak, so this has some slaughtering and butchering to go through! Haha, I'm kidding, now on with the review!

The words are flowing through my head,
As I try to recall what they've said,

I like your beginning line, it's straight to the point. It doesn't take us on a long, dragged journey to actually dig and find what this poem is about, it stages it in the first line without hitting us in the face with too much info.

I think the comma on the end of the second line should be changed to a semicolon.

they whisper secrets in my ear,
the darkest truths for me to hear.

You began the above lines with capitals, and seeing that this is a punctuated poem, I think (actually, demand xD) that you capitalize the "T's" that open these lines.

Also! Me being the structure-flow freak that I am, I think the second line drags a bit? I hate reconstructing others poetry (especially when it's as good as this) but would you consider changing it to something like;
Dark truths for me to hear.

"The" is a filler word, and it's so wonderful to start a line with "the" or "and" but the greatest poets-- even the ones who do it all the time say that it should be avoided. Why? I don't know. My theory is that it sounds better?

I know not where they're coming from,
perhaps along they came from some,

Change your first comma to a semi-colon since you are half closing a thought there.

Your second line is... (what's the word?). It drags. And it doesn't tell us anymore or take anything away if it goes-- that is of course besides a precious rhyming line! If you leave it as it is, it kind of drags?

This line would be a good chance to make this creepier... make our skin prickle with this! (Not that people's poetry has the effect on me... it's an expression xD)

Perhaps the haunted ghosts of some? (and no! Do not use that line! Ghosts cannot actually be haunted, right? anyway... ghosts haunt. right?)

"Perhaps the ghosts that haunted some?"

long hidden tomb, locked away,
in the darkness, put there to stay.

See, don't listen to me. If you listen to me, you'd have to change the remains of your poem to fit with the garbage line I made up there XD.

However, your first line is almost too short? Yes... it's like, missing something.

"In a hidden tomb, locked away?"

Yet somehow they have broken free,
and came whispering along to me.

(Okay xD My line is starting to fit in here XD) I like this couplet! It's a heroic couplet (a couplet that rhymes and contains a complete thought) and it suits the poem well!

The words are flowing through my head,
and when they stop, I'll be dead.

Ookay. Hm. Your closing line! It should definitely "wow" the audience-- keep the part about being dead, but you need to give us something more. Maybe incorporate some imagery, and don't just give us a sentence that takes away from the amazing flow of the poem?


----

Overall, you did an amazing job. I really, really liked it. You opened with a sinister tone, that made me suspect that it could turn eerie, but it held the potential to not be creepy. Does that make sense? Meh, it doesn't.

What I'm saying is... you "wowed" me here xD (except your closing line, haha)

Keep it up! You should write poetry more often!

(I'm mean xD)

10/10

amazing job ^^
Grammarfreak,
xxJune

thank you June,
your review, while I will not totall ignore it, I will probably disregard the bulk of it, minus a few things I genuinly agreed with,

thank you, anyone else want to comment?

okay so this poem is well written with proper grammar and what not right? it is and june corrected the grammar that wasn't right. right?and I'm adverse to critizising style so what does that leave me with hmm the message yep ill work on that. I think this poem is stating that the voices in our heads are or could be actully real right? which i totally agree with and its also stating that they could come from almost anywhere and that once they are there you depend on the voices to help or guide you and when they leave yuo will die or they wont stop talking tell you die. all in all a very well written poem march would like it but shes gone awol so yeah i wouldn't change anything exept maybe clarify if that when they leave you die or they wont leave till you die.

Don't say you're not crazy really, because we all know that's not true. You're just a certain kind of crazy. Are you here referring to conscience, though processes, or something else entirely? again, your punctuation and capitalization are driving me nuts. Good rhythm, a little short, but it says what it needs to say, so it's length suits it. There's not a lot else I can say about this, because it's basically all the same stuff I tell you every time you write something. Just proofread and revise, and keep having fun!

--Arianna

I enjoyed the rhythm of the poem and how the words were chosen as to get to the real message of the poem. There was no beating around the bush. I have one question though. Are the voices outside influences that are trying to control your actions or your subconscious?

Awesome, just pure and utter awesomeness.

The words are flowing through my head,
As I try to recall what they've said,

And even though 'they've' and 'they have' is the same; I just think that when I replaced 'they've' with 'they have', it sounded nicer?

Oh anyway, it's still good.

GO GOD!

By the way, I can't help but notice that your avatar, the peace sign... do you know where it came from? I mean the symbol itself? :)

-threm.