The Price Too High.

When all is said and done,
who can say they've won?
The bodies lying in the streets,
the blood flowing beneath our feet,
give testimony against the lie,
no one's won, the toll's too high.
The people claim that they are right,
that God is on their side.
But they werent there, in the fight.
The brutal things you've seen,
they make you want to hide,
and think what could have been,
if there'd never been the War,
Had we gone through another door,
children that weren't born,
the dead we'd never mourn.
No one's won the War, I say,
We aren't the ones who had to pay.

Ello Good Sir or Ma'am,

Ha if you are a girl then your name is 10 times cooler, just puttin that out there.

But this is about that, so! I myself grew up on poems about war and I always view them in the context of the people and their families, never as a soldier and never as the one in charge. Now you speak the truth, but to me here the truth sounds cliche. Then again I'm prone to this all. And even if you were to take this concept of war and metaphorically attach it to a relationship you still have something we've seen before.

No one's won the War, I say,
We aren't the ones who had to pay.

Now I don't believe I heard this before. Perhaps I did? But I don't recall anyone ever pointing out that we aren't the ones who had to pay. That brings into mind a lot of questions. What exactly are they paying? What's important really? Did they get anything for what they payed for? Really these lines are important to me and stand out insanely. It makes me feel insignificant and makes my beliefs seem irrelevant. It makes me feel like the important ones are gone, and in the end I re-examine the poem and realize I have no idea what's going on and don't deserve at all to know until I do pay some kind of price.

I loved it 5 out 5!

Hi! June here


So! It took me a little while to find something of yours with less than five replies, so, sorry this is delayed .

Anyway!

Because I personally begin reviews with structure and grammar issues, I'll just say that there are a few little touches this poem could use. Nothing major, actually, just like a bit of punctuation and correcting coordination and tenses, but! Because you prefer that poetry be reviewed on meaning rather than structure, I'll pass. (And really, I do agree with you on that, because poetry is rather freeform and such, but, when I see hints of structure in certain poems, that's when I pay attention to that-- anyway!)

Right, so, the poem.



To begin, I enjoyed it a lot. You've captured the tone and voice of a witness of war. At some points, it was hard to tell who's side it was coming from. At one point, it sounded as if it was coming from the victim of a war, while at another point it sounded like it was coming from the offender. However, as I came to the end, it somewhat sounded as if it were a neutral party. I'm not too sure if it was meant to come off that way, but either way, it's fine.

I like the subtle imagery you used here. You didn't elaborate much on the "gory" details of war-- yet, you let us know that they existed with what little information you've given us.

No one's won the War, I say,

We aren't the ones who had to pay.

When I first came to this part, it confused me a lot. I wasn't too sure what you meant by the closing line, but, when I read it again, I'm not sure if by "we" you mean you (personally) and those around you aren't the ones who had to pay? That line could use a little bit of clarification, dear.

But! Overall, brilliant poem, sir. I love the rhyme scheme you used here-- it came off smoothly, great job.

Keep it up! Nice work on this, brilliant play on words.

June

thanks June for the review...

and I think I will take this time to clarify some things for you and the other readers,
go ahead and check the grammar/ punctuation, please do, I occasionally listen, and need help with something, I just don't like people chopping it up and screwing up what it means to me...

can I ask a question, who is the offender of a war? who is the victim?

see, my father fought in Vietnam, and one of the things he has always been clear about,
is that in any war, the people who are shoot at you, the "enemy" the people who you kill,

they are not the enemy.

they are guys just like you, they don't want to be there, they watch friends die, and houses burn, just like you.

did any of us really have to pay? or do we all? let me ask you something else,
do you know anyone who fought in a war?

and what have they said about it?

what do they wish had been different?


Peace,
God

I'm on my Mobile right now, so I can't be as detailed as your poem deserves, but I'll do my best to express my comments.

Some of your rhythm stammers a bit; a missing syllable here or there is all it takes to throw the pattern off. Read it through again, you'll find them with ease. Same with the rhyming you have; it works, when the words rhyme. Seen and been don't rhyme easily.

That said, I think the poem itself comes across as too much of a Bleeding Heart Liberal sentiment. As such, roughly half the people in the States will be turned off by it even if they understand the concept. Your point about the enemy being just like you maybe be valid at times, but not always. For example, the Nazis in World War Two may have families, may watch friends die just like allied grunts, but they also fought for a country that not only oppresed their fellow man, but eradicated him. So while they were human just like us, they, in essence, became the enemy by supporting their government. And while they themselves might not be the enemy, they fight for him willingly.

Back to the poem; to bring some perspective to your poem, mention a seting. Glistening jungle leaves, crumbled desert towns, explosion wrought cities...give it a setting. Generalizing war without recognizing the differences between each one is asking for people to bring up that point.

Thanks for the read! I'm normally not a poetry person.

--D

Hey! I'm Music. Umm, here's my review.

Grammar:

When all is said and done,
who can say they've won?
The bodies lying in the streets,
the blood flowing beneath our feet,
give testimony against the lie,
no one's won[s],[/s]; the toll's too high.
The people claim that they are right,
that God is on their side. This line seems just a little short for me....
But they weren't there, in the fight.
The brutal things you've seen,
they make you want to hide,
and think what could have been,
if there'd never been the War, I'd like to know why you capitalized war. Perhaps it's in the comments.
Had we gone through another door,
children that weren't born,
the dead we'd never mourn.
No one's won the War, I say,
[s]W[/s]we aren't the ones who had to pay. Again, maybe you meant to capitalize "we".

Overall:

[b]Okay poem. I don't quite understand the concept, but perhaps that's just because I'm young and don't have any close relatives who've been in wars- unless you count the Cold War; I'm talking physical fighting, bombing, what not. Yes, I know it's about war, though. I think my favorite lines were the first two and the last two.

Overall, nicely done. :wink:

Love,
Music.

If it isn't my good friend God!!!....

let's see what you've got here...

mhmmm

mhmm



....




this is good, it's true....it's simple and straight forward but even paths can be deep.

War is a horrible thing in the fact they are so unnecassarily necassary.

Hello.

There's not much to say about this poem. War is a topic touched on frequently in literature of virtually any kind, and justly so, considering the enormous impact it has had on history and humankind. I hold to the belief that war is just murder on a larger scale, and judging from this poem, it seems that you would probably agree to some extent. But why express these beliefs in poem form? Why express them in a literary fashion at all? Expressing an opinion about a topic is common and often powerful in any art form, but power or passion aside, it usually isn't enough to carry a piece, even if it is a piece of short length.

Hi again I only just realized you replied to my post:

can I ask a question, who is the offender of a war? who is the victim? see, my father fought in Vietnam, and one of the things he has always been clear about,
is that in any war, the people who are shoot at you, the "enemy" the people who you kill,

they are not the enemy.

they are guys just like you, they don't want to be there, they watch friends die, and houses burn, just like you.

I left it general by saying "the offender" and "the victim" because as you said, we cannot say who is the victim. I could easily say, in the case of Viet Minh, that the US was the enemy, but too many of our soldiers were drafted, thus making them all victims.

To speak, I can only say that the offender of the war is the one who started the war, even if they are not present on the battlegrounds.

did any of us really have to pay? or do we all? let me ask you something else,
do you know anyone who fought in a war?

and what have they said about it?

what do they wish had been different?

And yes, We've all got to pay. Even those who haven't fought there. 'Til this day, the reputation of "enemies" remains between the two who have fought in the past. It's sure going to take a lot to establish a trustworthy reputation amongst those.


Yes, I do. My grandfather fought in the Korean war; my other grandfather in Vietnam. My distant cousin died in Iraq.

Not one of them can say much about it. They mention only that it was hard, and rough, and how thankful they are for survival, but it's in their eyes that you can see the pain. Those bad memories are like... etched into them, they can't get over it. It's ruined them.

They only thing they ever wish that could have been different was whatever event led them to war.

I hope I'm not confusing you here...

After telling me that, I can understand your poem in a completely different light, dear. I... really can't find anything else to say .

June

the only other thing to say is that a poem can be read in a multitude of lights, each one giving it's own spin on it.

and June dear, you'd have to get a lot more complex & deeper to confuse me.

Peace All,
God

Yes, I must say this is a good enough work. it has some rough patches but your style is well laid out and you give some beautiful touches that help breath some life into the work where others fail all too often.

My main gripe is the structure. There's no real break or seperation in stanza, and that can frustrate or destract a reader. That said, it can be easily fixed with a bit of smoothing out.

I think this is a very good work with a great message that you convey with your words.
well done.

I've got to say, your proofreading skills (or lack thereof) are starting to bug me a little, but that's probably just my OCD talking. Either capitalize the first letter of each line, or capitalize only the first word of a sentence and certain things you want to emphasize (like War) If you aren't consistent with your capitalization, at a glance it becomes hard to tell if the things you capitalize for emphasis are mistakes or actually purposeful. Always go through and make sure that your punctuation is proper, even in poetry. It is better to be correct than to misuse commas and other forms of punctuation to show the rhythm. If people can't see your rhythm with proper punctuation, you have a different fundamental problem. I know you like to think of yourself as a rebel, but you should really still follow the basic rules of grammar and punctuation. You have a good poem here, all in all, and it's a very good question. It has profound moral implications, and no one has ever been able to give an answer to satisfy everyone, or even most. All we can do is continue to ask this question, and hope that it will not be lost to time and will continue to make us examine our motivations and convictions and be sure about what we believe in these situations. Morality is a complicated thing, and this question is a moral one. Therefore, there will never be a satisfactory answer, because every facet of morality is involved, and each of those facets mean something different to everyone.

--Arianna

When all is said and done,

who can say they've won?

who can say they've truly won?

But they weren't there, in the fight.

The brutal things you've seen,

they make you want to hide,

and think what could have been,

if there'd never been the War,

The last part's rhyme is a little off.

No one's won the War, I say,

We aren't the ones who had to pay.

I love this line.


All in all, I love the poetry though you do lack some of the gory details that should've have been portrayed by your piece of literature.

But it's all good.

-threm.