hope

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Last edited by dodopinkya on Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:12 pm, edited 6 times in total.




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Hiya! It's great considering that English isn't your first language. One thing I would STRONGLY recommend if you want to survive around here is to capitalize the beginnings of sentences or of lines. Okay now into the semantics.

the black flags are down
the wars are no more found

There's a bit of a problem here because we don't say that things are 'no more' found, we say that they are 'no longer' found. 'No more' refers to some kind of quantity. Like 'There are no more cookies'. 'No longer' refers to time. Like 'wars are no longer found' This may throw off a bit of the rhythm that you have going there so you might want to revise that line.

the broken heart is reunion

Now, reunion is a noun, not an adjective, which you want right here. Saying 'the broken heart is reunion' is like of saying "the broken heart is family" or "the broken heart is bag of Cheetos". The verb form would be "reunited".

but the meaning is more than it sounds

Here I would recommend something like "The meaning is more than it may sound"

The rest of the poem was great! Your English is still a bit spotty, but I think it makes it sound more poetic like that! I know all the trouble there is with learning a new language and everything.

Another thing that you may want to note is that here we try to have a 2:1 review to post ratio, so in the future review a couple of other people's works before posting your own. =)
"Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible."
— Richard P. Feynman




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pla303 wrote:Hiya! It's great considering that English isn't your first language. One thing I would STRONGLY recommend if you want to survive around here is to capitalize the beginnings of sentences or of lines. Okay now into the semantics.

the black flags are down
the wars are no more found

There's a bit of a problem here because we don't say that things are 'no more' found, we say that they are 'no longer' found. 'No more' refers to some kind of quantity. Like 'There are no more cookies'. 'No longer' refers to time. Like 'wars are no longer found' This may throw off a bit of the rhythm that you have going there so you might want to revise that line.

the broken heart is reunion

Now, reunion is a noun, not an adjective, which you want right here. Saying 'the broken heart is reunion' is like of saying "the broken heart is family" or "the broken heart is bag of Cheetos". The verb form would be "reunited".

but the meaning is more than it sounds

Here I would recommend something like "The meaning is more than it may sound"

The rest of the poem was great! Your English is still a bit spotty, but I think it makes it sound more poetic like that! I know all the trouble there is with learning a new language and everything.

Another thing that you may want to note is that here we try to have a 2:1 review to post ratio, so in the future review a couple of other people's works before posting your own. =)


sorry i changed the poem.I couldn't delete this topic so i wrote a new poem cause the first one wasn't good.sorry again



Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
— Paul Brandt