-Inconcessus- Fourteen

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I know the last chapter was kind of a let-down for all you guys but hopefully this helps the plot start to speed up and you'll be able to start to see the conflicts. Please continue with the wonderful and honest comments. The only way I can improve is if you guys continue to be honest with me. I am holding all your comments accountable but I won't be correcting anything until I finish the entire book. Thanks!

Happy Reading!

__________________________

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I caught up with Elena at the curve of the trail. She was seated on a mossy-covered log, eyes closed, head tipped up to fully bask in the morning sunshine. I paused, caught off guard by the sudden, immense change that overtook her.
Her hair had taken on a golden tint, her skin shimmered, and when she opened her eyes, they were bright and shinning. She laughed at my expression and stood, still luminous, as if she was glowing. She inclined her head to the empty spot beside her, and I obeyed.
“A heavy snow is on its way,” she murmured softly.
“Elena,” I ventured, “Have you always been this way?”
“Gifted, you mean?” she asked, turning to face me, her feet crunching in the snow, refracting the light like diamonds would.
“Yes.”
“No, actually. They don’t work like that. For example, a vampire can go his whole life without a hint of a Gift coming on and then on his death-bed, he’ll suddenly hear the whispers of his ancestors and be carried onto the land beyond this one with peace of mind.”
I wrinkled my forehead. “I… don’t understand.”
She chewed on her lip for a second, and then tried again to explain. “Like for Cassandra, she didn’t know she had the Gift of Healing until one day, Anita was struck with a horrible stomach ache and Cassandra somehow knew almost instantly that she was pregnant.” Elena must have seen my astonished expression for she laughed heartily. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used the example so suddenly.”
I shrugged, mouth still a-gape. “No, it’s okay… I just forgot that some vampires can have children.”
“Yeah, I’ll introduce you to Anita’s son someday. He’s traveling Europe with our Partner Coven right now.”
“Partner Coven?”
“We made a pact thousands of years ago that if danger or war should ever cross this land, we would be there for each other and protect one another. Our Partner Coven is more formally known as Jasmine’s Coven.”
Jasmine? As in the Ancient?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, your Coven sure has connections,” I mumbled, unable to stay standing any longer. This was too much information to take in at one moment. Taking a deep breath, I tried to organize the information Elena had just filled me with.
“So… Jasmine is one of the last vampires who still know the Forgotten Voice?”
“Yes, she still speaks Antiquus. Not as often, because not many vampires know it anymore.”
“Okay, back to Anita’s son… how can that be? Wouldn’t he just stay a baby forever?”
Elena smiled softly and joined me on the mossy log. “That is one of the wonders of our world. Many assume that that is how it works but no. A vampire who births a child doesn’t produce a vampire. They are born human.”
“How?”
Elena furrowed her brow. “It is sort of hard to explain but… when you were changed, you had to be bit and the venom from our fangs entered your blood stream, correct?”
I nodded.
“Well, when two vampires create another being, their venom’s join and they eliminate each other. It’s kind of like the opposite of human science. If you have two blue-eyed parents with the strong genes, the baby will no doubt be blue-eyed. In vampires, if we have two of the same genes, they will cross each other out and the child won’t be effected with the venom.”
I shook my head, still befuddled.
“Not getting it?”
“Sort of, I am, but that means that if a vampire and a human have a baby… the baby will be infected.”
Elena flinched. It was such a subtle reaction that if I hadn’t been watching her so closely, I wouldn’t have noticed. “Right. You’re very smart, Sophia.”
I beamed, pleased at her comment. “So, if Anita’s son—“
“His name is Ben.”
“Ben,” I corrected, “Is human, how can he be traveling with vampires? Isn’t that dangerous?”
Elena’s eyes sparkled. “Ben isn’t human. When he turned twenty, he asked his father, Walter, to change him.”
My own eyes widened. “Why?”
“I know, pretty odd birthday present, huh? Ben couldn’t stand to be different from his family. He actually lived those twenty years with us and there were never any complications. We loved him like a brother so no body ever thought of feeding from him.”
I chuckled softly. “Well, that’s a good thing.” I paused, then, “How old is he?”
“He’s nearing his hundredth year soon.”
“So he’s fairly young.”
“Yes, very.”
There was a brief silent spout in our conversations before I remembered something. “Elena?”
“Huh?”
“About the Gifted thing, I think I get it. It means that you have to be in a situation where your Gift is needed, right?”
Elena nodded. “It is one of those things that happen randomly.”
“How did it happen for you?”
A spasm of pain crossed Elena’s features. She opened her mouth to reply when a vampire materialized on the path.
“Sophia, we’re heading into town. Wanna come?”
It was Nate.
“Nate! What are you doing out and about? You should be resting,” I scolded, standing to my feet.
Nate frowned. “I did enough resting in that human hospital. I’m ready to have some fun. Carmen wants to go buy Christmas presents, since it’s only a little over a month away. Come with us?”
I glanced back at Elena and she gave me an encouraging smile. It would be nice to go out for just a little while with the gang, I thought.
“Go on. I have to go hunting anyway.” Elena pointed to her teeth, which I noticed for the first time that they were slightly larger than normal.
I nodded and turned back to Nate.
“Count me in.”
I followed Nate back to the house and I discerned that he was in a very exultant mood, joking around all the time. “I see that you are back to yourself,” I noted with a grin, shoving him lightly.
He laughed. “It’s good to be back to normal.”
At the cottage, the rest of the normal gang was gathered there—Carmen, Randy, Dover, Michael, and, to my dismay, Nora. I paused slightly at the sight of her, and Nate eyed me curiously, tracing where my eyes lingered to where Nora was standing, hand-in-hand with Carmen.
“I’m sorry, Sophia. I knew you wouldn’t come if you knew Nora was,” Nate whispered into my ear, and I forced a smile.
“It’s okay. I’m glad you invited me. I miss you guys.” I punched him playfully on the arm, and he clutched it as if he was in agony.
“Now, no more of that mushy gush,” Nate scolded lightheartedly, and I shrugged, starting back towards where the group was assembled. I could immediately pick up on the enthusiastic atmosphere that surrounded my friends. It was clear that it was a day for amusement. I greeted everyone with warmth, even Nora, though I did have to force a smile on her behalf. She looked completely at ease, cradling Carmen’s hand in her own. Carmen glanced warily at me, but I gave him an encouraging smile and that was all it took. He was back to laughing and joking with the guys before long.
I walked between Nate and Randy on the way into town. Nate was too busy conversing with Dover on his other side to pay any attention to me so I concentrated my attentions on Randy.
“How are you, Randy? We haven’t talked in a while. How’s the Coven?”
He shrugged, his eyes trained on something above our heads in the canopy of trees. “Good as I can be. Philip is settling in. He tells me that him and Walter are almost brothers, by the rate their friendship is growing. And Anita is a sweetheart, always offering to take us out hunting when Philip and Walter are in a meeting.”
“That’s good news.”
Randy nodded in agreement. “The Coven is finally relaxing. After that scare with—” He cut off quickly, peering over at Nate, who was picking up speed in his gait as we got within the limits of the town, oblivious to Randy’s indication to his last escapade.
“It’s not Nate’s fault, you know,” I started, lowering my voice a notch, even though I knew that no matter how quiet I got, Nate was bound to hear me.
“I know that,” Randy defended. “I just find it funny how he got into trouble so soon upon getting here.”
I smiled. “Nate has always been the one for mischief and, might I say, a little extra attention.”
“True, very true.”
At this, I caught the heavy aroma of humans and my foot landed upon the paved road of Duluth. As usual, the town was bustling with people, shouts of laughter ringing in my ears. I was too preoccupied with the feel of the warm sun on my skin and the contrast of the icy wind to care too much about the humans. It was a delicious sensation and I lost myself in the liveliness of the town.
Carmen ended up leading us all around town. By about the third shop, Dover, Nate, and Randy had all their shopping done. As I saw the lady behind the counter wrap one of Michael’s gifts—a bottle of heady perfume—I knew without a doubt it would go to one of his many ‘prospects’. Michael was always the vampire with a girl on his arm and I never understood why. He was gawky, freckled, with flaming orange hair and uneven eyebrows; but the girls flocked to him. I had seen both him and Rebecca more than once back at the cottage curled up by the fire, Michael whispering into her ear. However, I was almost positive that the bottle of perfume wasn’t for Rebecca. I think Michael had a sparkling blonde member of Walter’s Coven in mind.
I laughed to myself at the though of Elena and Michael’s last encounter earlier this morning, with her sprinting into the woods as if the devil was after her. Chuckling, I nearly ran into someone as we entered one of the last shops on the main street. Not bothering to apologize, I stood, entranced, at the world I had entered.
Every wall and shelf was covered in antiques of every kind. Old and wooden; metal and polished; tall and structured—everything was in pristine condition. I was immediately drawn to the back of the room, where a little shelf held a variety of music boxes. I remembered the one Yamari handed to me the day before I left and I felt a pang flow through me. I hadn’t thought of my old friend in weeks and know I saw how much I missed her wise, soothing voice. She would be a welcome change to the silence of my bedroom.
“Like it?”
I jolted at the oddly familiar voice and spun to meet a broad chest sheathed in a blue vest with faux fur on the collar and a white, long sleeved shirt beneath. The colored vest brought out the intensity of the eyes that I met next and I took an instinctive step back. As the face came into view, I nearly snarled.
It was the boy from the hospital; Nate’s human friend.
Isaac.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash!

Thanks for the heads up!

She laughed at my expression and stood, still luminous, as if she was glowing. She inclined her head to the empty spot beside her, and I obeyed.


I think you can combine these two sentences. The underlined part, I think you can do without.
“Yes.”
“No, actually. They don’t work like that. For example, a vampire can go his whole life without a hint of a Gift coming on and then on his death-bed, he’ll suddenly hear the whispers of his ancestors and be carried onto the land beyond this one with peace of mind.”


Did Sophia say yes? If so, this doesn't make any sense because Sophia was the one to ask the question. I'd get rid of that.

She opened her mouth to reply when a vampire materialized on the path.


I think you can reword this. It seems too sudden. Try to use description, like maybe the leaves rustled or wind swept past them when this vampire appeared.

Isaac.


Darn. A cliffhanger.

Well, I loved this chapter. And I especially like the conversation between Elena and Sophia. That was really unique and different and it added a twist to the story.

Good job and keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Heyyy, Ash! Backbackback again! As usual, nitpicks d'abord!

immense change that overtook her.

Her hair had taken


Repetition of take. Change taken to acquired or attained or gained. I like acquired best.

“No, actually. They don’t work like that. For example, a vampire can go his whole life without a hint of a Gift coming on and then on his death-bed, he’ll suddenly hear the whispers of his ancestors and be carried onto the land beyond this one with peace of mind.”


ACK. I read this and I just wanted to scream, Vampires don't die! -sigh- 'S your story, though, so moving on...

I wrinkled my forehead.


That just sounds like you're desperate not to say I frowned, but I frowned sounds much better. Change it?

I shrugged, mouth still a-gape. “No, it’s okay… I just forgot that some vampires can have children.”


Agape, not a-gape. And the way Sophia says this, it's like you can't think of any other way to explain that in your version of vamps, they can reproduce. Make it a little less stiff and inhuman - please?

take in at one moment. Taking a deep breath


Repetition! Change one.

There was a brief silent spout in our conversation[s]s[/s] before I remembered something. “Elena?”


Brief silent spout is - let's say it sounds lame. Silent spout should be silence. That'd be better, at least.

A spasm of pain crossed Elena’s features.


I like this, actually. It explains it better than I'd expected it to. A spasm of pain crossed Elena's [s]features[/s] face, and she was quiet a moment before opening her mouth to reply. Just give her a minute to get over whatever the bad memory is - that's a bit more realistic, yes?

Carmen wants to go buy Christmas presents, since it’s only a little over a month away. Come with us?”


Carmen wants to go buy Christmas presents - yeah, it is a little bit early," he added ruefully. "D'you wanna come with us? Something a bit more like that. I mean, because when he says since it's a only a little over a month away, it's like he's telling us - of course Sophia knows, so maybe (to make it more real) she raises an eyebrow at how early it is and he admits it; that's a little more human, don'cha think? Of course, when I say human, I just mean real, since none of them are actually... human. x-X;

“I just find it funny how he got into trouble so soon [s]upon[/s] after getting here.”



Well, those're most of 'em, anyway. Onto the chapter!

The conversations, like in the last chapter, were a little forced. To me, Elena and Sophia's chat was reminiscent of two people standing next to me talking really loudly and saying things they both knew and were merely repeating for my benefit. Let's not forget, Ash: they don't know we're reading this story... do they? 'Cause sometimes it sounds like they do, and that jogs the reader from the story, gives them distance that they don't need, and don't want. Make it natural, try not to force things into conversations that don't make sense because it's more convenient than finding a good place to put them.

That's one girl's opinion, anyway. It was an interesting chapter - like most, though, it needs some touch-ups, y'know? And please, don't end every chapter with a cliffhanger, because after the sixth or seventh time, they get a bit mundane. You lose the excitement of the whole thing when you use it so much.

Good luck! I'll be around for the next installment, with all and any likelihood.

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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OOOOOOOKAY.
So, that was good. Very discriptive. I would like to hear more about the 'partner coven' i think some more of a backstory would be needed there. dont you think?
And, Jasmine? Awwie....tis my name! lol. Sorry, imature moment there.
Some of the narrator's dialog that she said seemed a little out of character for her. It seemed more formal. There was no sassy wit anywhere in her words. She matured like twenty years within the last two chapters. I dont think that was the goal here.
There were a few commas where there should be periods but im sure someone else will point them out.
I dont really understand some of Elena's reactions to the things that the narrator says. They seem rather, twitchy. if that makes sense. And with her back story as well, with the whole 'gift' thing, you are still leaving the reader in the dark. i think there should be some more discriptions on that.
Very nice cliff hanger! i love it.
So when are you posting the next chapter? lol.

Oh, did i tell you? I posted more of Seventeen forever? Well, i did. haha.
Talk to you later. hope i helped.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Hey Ash,

I still don't get it. Why do Nora and Sophia hate each other?

Your view on birthing is totally different than mine, which it's good. I like your way though. It's different.

Issac is back! Yay! I hope we get to see more of him in later chapter.

Well, this is a good chapter. Post again soon.

Bri aka Night Mistress.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Woo-hoo! All hail the Queen of the Cliffhangers!

:lol: I'm back!

I liked this chapter much more than the last one, especially because of the information Elena gives us and the sudden reappearance of our favorite, elusive Isaac. And I'm enchanted with the idea of vampires having children . . . and I also like how you described the antique store. Does Isaac own it?

Well, anyway, all I can give to you is praise. :D

xoxo~
Sunny




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Hiya, Ash! Sorry I'm so late getting to this story, I've just now caught up and read the both of your chapters :D . Everyone has been through the nit-picks so I'll give you my thoughts on the last two chapters (:

I have to agree with Sunny and say that I definitely preferred this chapter to the previous one. Now (please don't take offense from this) but I think you should take the start of the previous chapter (the dream) and put it onto the start of this, as I think it will hold more significance that way. That's just a little idea for you which you can ignore if you wish to =D .

The two chapters were full of those amazing descriptions of yours I love. And those annoying cliffhangers!! =D I liked the idea of pregnant vampires you introduced in this chapter - I think it worked really well, and didn't seem too unbelievable, if you get what I mean? Ermm.. (again you leave me speachless with your amazing writing!) I love the interaction you're showing between Sophia and Elena, and I also love the reaction Sophia had towards meeting Isaac again. I can't wait to find out what happens next!!

Keep Writing, and PM me when you post the next chapter!! :D
--Lucy-lu xx
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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
Elena smiled softly and joined me on the mossy log. “That is one of the wonders of our world. Many assume that that is how it works, but no. A vampire who births a child doesn’t produce a vampire. They are born human.”
“Now, no more of that mushy gush,” Nate scolded lightheartedly, and I shrugged, star[s]t[/s]ing back towards where the group was assembled. I could immediately pick up on the enthusiastic atmosphere that surrounded my friends. It was clear that it was a day for amusement. I greeted everyone with warmth, even Nora, though I did have to force a smile on her behalf. She looked completely at ease, cradling Carmen’s hand in her own. Carmen glanced warily at me, but I gave him an encouraging smile and that was all it took. He was back to laughing and joking with the guys before long.

Carmen ended up leading us all around town. By about the third shop, Dover, Nate, and Randy had all their shopping done. As I saw the lady behind the counter wrap one of Michael’s gifts—a bottle of heady perfume—I knew without a doubt it would go to one of his many ‘prospects’. Michael was always the vampire with a girl on his arm and I never understood why. He was gawky, freckled, with flaming orange hair and uneven eyebrows; but the girls flocked to him. I had seen both him and Rebecca more than once back at the cottage curled up by the fire, Michael whispering into her ear. However, I was almost positive that the bottle of perfume wasn’t for Rebecca. I think Michael had a sparkling blonde member of Walter’s Coven in mind. You have the entire story in the past, and suddenly you switch to present… It reallyyy throws one off, so you should definitely consider changing it.


Every wall and shelf was covered in antiques of every kind. Old and wooden; metal and polished; tall and structured—everything was in pristine condition. I was immediately drawn to the back of the room, where a little shelf held a variety of music boxes. I remembered the one Yamari handed to me the day before I left, and I felt a pang flow through me. I hadn’t thought of my old friend in weeks, and know I saw how much I missed her wise, soothing voice. She would be a welcome change to the silence of my bedroom.
[/spoiler]


God do I love your version of vampries. It's different than anything I have ever read, but it's really well developed, and you've definitely piqued my interest about their history.
And oii, will Sophia turn out to have a gift? Hmmm...
And Isaac, that annoying boy, what's up with him always showing up at the end of chapters? Seriously.
Well, you have a talent for cliffhangers, that's for sure.
Really enjoyed this chapter, now I will read the next one.

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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“Wow, your Coven sure has connections,” I mumbled, unable to stay standing any longer. This was too much information to take in at one moment. Taking a deep breath, I tried to organize the information Elena had just filled me with.

How could she not stay standing if she had already sat down beside Elena?

“It is sort of hard to explain but… when you were changed, you had to be bit and the venom from our fangs entered your blood stream, correct?”

Bit should be bitten.

“Well, when two vampires create another being, their venom’s join and they eliminate each other.

Venom joins

“I just find it funny how he got into trouble so soon upon getting here.”

Upon should be after. It fits a little better.



Other than that, good work. =)
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander