My Imperfections

I was once told that you must write what you know, I know quite a lot for a 14 year old. If your going to be a writer you must open up and lay yourself out for the slaughter to be truly brilliant. Or at least thats what I think! So here it goes ....

Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of hard needles and hospital beds
The scars are show
And my heart is like lead

It was one night in September
I was sat on the cold stairs
Or so I remember
My mum cried out in the front room
My dad stuck me in the car
As the clouds suffocated the moon

The lights were too bright
As I lay under heavy glares
I felt ever so ill and white
I didn't want to be here anymore
I heard the doctors talking why I was here
Diabetes that's what for

........

Hi Brown Eyed Girl! I have brown eyes too xD
Anyway, I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I will be your reviewer for today!

I was once told that you must write what you know, I know quite a lot for a 14 year old. If your going to be a writer you must open up and lay yourself out for the slaughter to be truly brilliant. Or at least that's what I think! So here it goes ....

You are utterly right! And don't be afraid to open up. Poetry is a very sentimental type of writing, and you need to be able to express yourself very well, for people to understand what you mean.

Now, stanza to stanza comments! (Grammar, punctuation, etc.)

Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of hard needles and hospital beds
The scars are show
And my heart is like lead

- Great opening. A very catchful line.
- The second line seems a bit off, accordingly to the one above. Put a comma at the end of the line.
- Don't capitalize the 'of', and put a period at the end of the sentence.
- 'show' should be 'shown'. Also, put a comma at the end.

It was one night in September
I was sat on the cold stairs
Or so I remember
My mum cried out in the front room
My dad stuck me in the car
As the clouds suffocated the moon

- 'in September' between commas, like this: ',in September,'
- 'I was sat' is incorrect. It should either be 'I was sitting' or 'I sat'. Comma at the end of the line, please.
- Comma after remember.
- The forth and fifth line need a comma at the end.
- Period at the end of the last line. Three beautiful lines, dear. They are so emotional, so... perfect!

The lights were too bright
As I lay under heavy glares
I felt ever so ill and white
I didn't want to be here anymore
I heard the doctors talking why I was here
Diabetes that's what for

- Comma at the end of the first line. Imagery, nice.
- Don't capitalise 'as' and semi-colon (;) at the end.
- Period at the end of the third line.
- Comma after 'anymore'.
- Put a comma after 'here'.
- Don't capitalize 'diabetes', and put a period in the end. The ending doesn't seem to wrap the poem up. I'm sorry, I know it is a very crucial part of the poem, but maybe develop it a bit more.

Overall: This was a very good read. The emotion was latent, and I could almost feel it myself. As for grammar, it was mostly punctuation. Good job, dear. I enjoyed it very much.

Keep up the good work!
*Kat*

Hey there Brown Eyed Girl.

Kat covered the punctuation pretty well, so I won't go over it. You probably should add some punctuation, though. Punctuation signals to the reader "this is where one thought ends" and "this is where you pause for a breath." Without punctuation, everything reads like a run-on and it is hard to tell where one sentence (thought) ends and where a new one begins or even which words/concepts are most important. Having punctuation also helps with the flow quite a bit.

That said, other than the punctuation, this was very well-written. I only caught this one thing:

I heard the doctors talking why I was here

I do believe there should be an "about" after "talking."

Other than that, excellent job. n_n

Hello! My name is Katie, and I will be your critic for this moment~

I was once told that you must write what you know, I know quite a lot for a 14 year old. If your going to be a writer you must open up and lay yourself out for the slaughter to be truly brilliant. Or at least thats what I think! So here it goes ....

I'm the same age as you! (^_^)V But you know, even if you know a lot, you shouldn't flaunt that knowledge because it might lead you to shame when the people who knows more than you corrects you. "'Tis best to silently be a genius than to be a noisy idiot", like I always say.


Anyway, back to topic~

Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of hard needles and hospital beds
The scars are show
And my heart is like lead

This is quite confusing...


~Good opener. It fishes our eyes in.
~I think you mean "The scars that are shown".
~The last stanza is offset. Replace it, or remove it. If you try it like this:


"Where did my childhood go?
Or maybe I'd rather forget
Of cold, hard needles and hospital beds,
And scars that are shown
Through my heart like lead."


...Or something like that. But! To compare your heart to lead is quite cliche. Because, according to the Encarta dictionary, lead is a chemical element. It is a heavy bluish gray metallic element that bends easily. Use: car batteries, pipes, solder, radiation shields.


So, why lead? If you were trying to tell us your heart has hardened (or softened, in this case. I told you, I'm confused) use other adjectives that would describe this to us more clearly. I am not satisfied until you shed light onto this matter.

It was one night in September
I was sat on the cold stairs
Or so I remember
My mum cried out in the front room
My dad stuck me in the car
As the clouds suffocated the moon

You're trying hard in dramatizing this. Frankly, I dislike the whole of this stanza, because:

~'September' and 'remember' rhymes awkwardly. It seems... forced.
~"I was sat on the cold stairs". No. "I was sitting on the cold stairs/stairwell". Better, no? Careful.
~"My mum cried out in the front room". Oookaaay... You meant the living room? The kitchen? The whatever-room-it-was that was in front of you then? An anteroom? What? Specify this.
~"My dad stuck me out into the car". Seriously, I won't complain if my mom cried out because of no specified reason and my dad stuck me into a car "as the clouds suffocated the moon". So, mum cried and dad put you in a car... and then what?




And then comes the inconsistent continuation.

The lights were too bright
As I lay under heavy glares
I felt ever so ill and white
I didn't want to be here anymore
I heard the doctors talking why I was here
Diabetes that's what for

"The lights were blinding
As I lay under their heavy glares
I felt so weak, frail and ill (I can't do much about this phrase. It's your choice. But I think this version sounds better.)
I wanted to escape (More precise, no?)
I heard the doctors talking aboutwhy I was here -
I was diagnosed with diabetes."



And this also explains why I dislike the second stanza so. You don't get hauled in a car just because you were suspected to have Diabetes, you get taken to the doctor gently to have a nice, good, check-up. Also, instead of wasting the last stanza in describing how the clouds suffocated the moon (although I think it is a good imagery of the night sky) add something that will connect the second stanza to the third stanza in relevance to the poem.



The drama did not affect me, honestly. Don't make this sound so tragic physically. Make it sound like you were completely breaking down emotionally, like the first line of the poem indicates it to be about! The lack of good flow also upsets me.



You need to work this out. This has more potential in it than you think. I'm sorry if I was a bit of a nutcracker. I just wanted to help in my own little way. I hope it did you some good.



Well! I plan to end this review on a light note, sooo... Have a nice day~!




Happy writing!



I love you...? Feel free to PM me if you need anything else~!



Katie here, and signing off... from this page, that is.



xoxxoxo

It tells a good story, but like sugarxsnow said, it isn't that emotionally or physically tragic, or gripping. Also, it doesn't seem to have much "flow" to it. That or I am just bad at reading poems.

"The scars are show"
That doesn't make much sense, and to me it just sounds very weird. sugarxsnows' example "The scars that are shown" makes much more sense, and actually forms as the missing piece that TRUELY binds that part together.

"I was sat on the cold stairs"
You mean sitting?

"As the clouds suffocated the moon"
I think that "smothered" would be a better word, since it's only two syllables, as opposed to four.




You have potential though. Hardship and experience can produce wonderful work.

since other people pointed out the grammatical errors, i'll leave it out. but do brush up on your grammar. if you are from a foreign country, know that grammar is very important in the english speaking writing world.

your poem was weak. its a nice story you are telling, but the lines have to come through more to the audience to be more charged. when i read it, i felt bored to be honest.
work on your writing to get better.

i liked this line, "As the clouds suffocated the moon"
it adds gloominess to the poem to make it sad. because it is a sad story
the poem reminded me of A Little bit Longer- a song by the jonas brothers because of the diabetes theme.

some lines were flat and a little awkward:
I felt ever so ill and white

I didn't want to be here anymore

My dad stuck me in the car


sharpen up the weak lines and you can have a nice poem. its a good story