The Creature

The Creature


Silky cobwebs loom over the moon,
as the Spiders stand, waiting.
Nobody can see the leaf drop in a puddle
making ripples in my stomach.

The Spiders say nothing, but I feel their eyes;
staring at me: the strange creature
before them.

Breaths of wind tickle my ears, whispers of
fat hips and deflated breasts
creep up my spine to haunt me.

The spiders’ legs are thin
and they harshly slide over my mouth.
They laugh at me.
Their jaws crunch my mind and body –

but they cannot eat my heart.

I stumble from their horrifying mist;
imperfect, yet unbroken,
and stand to watch the sun
consume the fog.

I remain alone. <-- I could not change this line. I love it too much!

Hello!

as the spider’s stand, waiting.

Should this be spiders, without the apostrophe, if it's plural? That's the only way it makes sense, although later you only mention one spider so I'm not sure.

They say nothing, but I feel their eyes;
Staring at me,
The strange creature before them.

I'm not wild about this stanza, mainly because it uses 'they' and 'them'. The reader doesn't know who 'they' are yet (I assume it's the spiders but if there's supposed to be an apostrophe there it changes the whole meaning) so it's hard really understand or care. I'd rather have some fantastic imagery here, because while you've said spiders, you haven't described them at all.

This is just my opinion but there's something off to me about the punctuation here. I think you should have nothing after eyes and a colon after me. Also, the line lengths are a bit odd. There are no rules about this in poetry, of course, but it would sound better like

They say nothing, but I feel their eyes
staring at me: the strange creature
before them.

I do like the 'strange creature' part. Moving on!

Breaths of wind tickle my ears and whispers of

Because of the rhythm here I think it would be a little smoother here if you omitted the 'and' and replaced it with a comma or a semicolon. Just a suggestion. ^__^

The spider's legs are thin

If the spiders are plural (which is really the only way this poem makes sense, considering the pronouns) then it should be spiders', with the apostrophe after the s.

and when they harshly slide over my mouth
they laugh at me as their jaws crunch

I'm having a little trouble envisioning this; the spiders legs slide over the speaker's mouth...I don't know, maybe I need to learn some arachnid anatomy. I could understand their latching on, especially considering the next line, but I don't know...yeah, I can't see this.

I also don't like the simultaneousness here. It says when they do this, they do this, as they do that which sounds weird and also, it can't all be happening at the same time. If you wanted, you could fix this by putting a full stop after 'me' and starting a new sentence with 'their.'

I stumble from their horrifying mist;
imperfect, yet unbroken,
and stand to watch the sun
consume the fog.

I remain alone.

I really, really, really love this stanza. Especially the second line, and the sense of breaking out and escape and good job.

I love it, but I think the last line (I remain alone) is unnecessary and you could do without it.

Okay, so I've properly ripped that apart for you, since it was for a contest. I did like your poem, a lot, because it conveys the sense of that body insecurity that everyone has but in a new way which is always hard to do, and I love the spiders, and the jaw crunch, because it gives the reader more imagery. I think it could be even better, though.

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck!
-Mars

Thanks, I just finished editing it!

Love,
N