Untitled

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Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
The constant hustle
and bustle
drives her insane.
Her life is filled with it:
the sounds of the city;
the night life,
in particular.
She often feels her heart swelling,
about to burst;
Her mind racing,
and she can’t concentrate.
She longs for freedom
from this asphalt asylum.
The towering steal giants
hold her in from what’s real.
This fake alter ego of life is nothing
more than an illusion blazing under an unforgiving sun.
And the people?
Why, they’re nothing more than mannequins
forced into life during a never-ending night.
Dressed politely in their suits and ties,
they’re such an impressive sight.
Too bad that beneath it all
their souls aren’t in the right.
This girl wishes to be free of the arrogance
of these concrete loving cretins.
She’s a different definition of beauty
from those monologue figures featured in this metropolitan nightmare.
Her hair—
auburn and silky;
unfurling in the cold, inner city wind.
Her lips are as red as the soft young petals
of a spider lily in the early spring
that unwind themselves from the tender green stalk,
just after the last frost,
to find ultimate splendor and beauty in life.
And her eyes?
They’re of an emerald green
that emit such depth
that one, if searching hard enough, could possibly find their own soul within them.
Unguarded in her youth, these eyes speak of a passion
that is branded rock hard against her soul—
A passion for freedom;
the freedom of reality.
She wants to venture once more into the now forgotten forests,
to taste the sweet air once again.
Her heart begins to race at the mere thought of it all:
the fungus green moss sprawling gently against the deep brown wood of the massive and ancient oak trees;
the intricate green vine climbing around the mossy old tree,
and delicate purple flowers springing out from the vine at random
making their way to the top of the bulky old oak
to mingle amongst the coppered and golden leaves in the benevolent autumn sun.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 86
Hello there! And welcome to YWS!
I have to say, this is one of the best free-form poems I have read. Its length appeared daunting at first, but as soon as I started reading, I was sucked into the story of how the city and its narrow minded ideas don't work for the girl, so she moves back out into nature. You had some pairing of words to form imagery or descriptions that I never would have thought of before, like "asphalt asylum". " My favorite line is "from those monologue figures featured in this metropolitan nightmare". My only suggestion would be to try to break down some of the longer lines so they are more consistant with the rest of the poem, but I think it works this was too. Great job!
-Alyssa
Who did the jedi mind trick on you women when it comes to capri pants? *waves hand* You want a piece of clothing that makes your ass look wider, your legs shorter, and your feet bigger.
-Christopher Titus




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15580
Reviews 324
Hello! Yes, a lot of people enjoy writing poems based around this, and sadly follow all sorts of stereotypes. But fortunately, you've remained generally open minded. Here's your review~

And the people?
Why, they’re nothing more than mannequins
forced into life during a never-ending night.
Dressed politely in their suits and ties,
they’re such an impressive sight.
Too bad that beneath it all
their souls aren’t in the right.

• I'm sorry to say, that this is stereotyping everyone who happens to routinely reside in the city. By saying this, you're offending most people, who can say that they're not mannequins, they actually have personality. (Fancy that.) So drop the stereotypes.

This girl wishes to be free of the arrogance
of these concrete loving cretins.

• Okay... another horrible cliche.


---

Okay. This poem was horribly stereotyped and rather offensive for some people. You know, people can live in the city and remain environmentally conscious and such. So, what's the deal with "Concrete cretins?"

I also thought that this poem skipped around a ton. It begins attacking the people who live in cities after describing the city itself. Then oddly enough it described her appearance? Her appearance? That's really random, and didn't really fit anywhere in the poem. And plus, so the city residers are ugly, too?

Well that's all the time I have. Rather interesting take.


Peace, Love and Sugar Packets!
Forever Threnody
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes”
~ The Little Prince~




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 19
This is among the better poems that I've read so far. I'd like to start out by first saying that I disagree with the previous posters. I don't think you should break down the longer lines as they improve the general appeal of your poem. It puts focus on what is being said, and that is definitely a good thing. I also disagree with the poster above me. Apart from what it seems, this poem IS a commentary on the mechanical inclinations of the materialistic urbanized lifestyles that we lead, and it should stay as it is.

Now, on to my comments:
I really like the pacing of your poem, the syntax is very well developed and this makes it a very easy read--not as daunting as how it seems to appear at first. Like I said earlier, I really like how you injected your social commentaries in contrast with your persona's beauty. You make it feel out of place and lost in this generic mold of society from which she exists. This heightens the acceptance of the desire for liberation (which you excellently described towards the end). Your use of imagery is so superb that it is easy to envision the universe that you've created, and it is easy to imagine how in that universe everything fits.

I also like how the text transitions especially through your depiction of the sun (bravo!)

perhaps the only things you should look into are the minor slip-ups where you say things explicitly. For example, when you used the line "she longs for freedom..." you really didn't need to say this explicitly since you brilliantly described why such freedom was sought. (although I know that this line goes in tandem with "from this asphalt asylum" and that makes it brilliant. Maybe it could have been used differently had "she longs for freedom" been ommited/rephrased) Good poems paint the statements in the readers eyes, and you're successful at doing that. but when these "paintings" are pre-empted by explicit statements, its impact is slightly reduced.

I say well done.
Keep writing.

-Tyler
and that night the sky was blue

length, you are my enemy.



It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27