I am the Girl

Random poem! I hope you understand because it's quite personal and I hope people might feel the
smae sometimes. Tell me what you think thank you xx

Love and hate.
Cupid and fate.
To laugh.
To lie.
To learn how to fly!

I don’t understand the world.
I don’t understand people.
Why they act the way they do.
Their logic in how they feel.
I am the human shield.

I am the myth.
The legend,
Of the control freak.
The soul that never leaks.
I don’t need human affection.
I do not seek a world of perfection.
I am the human shield.

I play a good part,
In my so called life.
I’m a good actress.
I pass the test,
Of being normal.
To be indifferent and informal.

I am the girl,
With all the grades.
With the smile that never fades.
I please who ever.
I look flawless,
Whatever the weather.
I am a clique.
In every way.
Every day.

I am what you want me to be.
A shape shifter,
An anomaly.
A freak show.
A friend,
Or a foe.

I am a girl.
I am the human shield.
I am the world.
Rolled into one.
I am every star that ever shone.

Hey Brown Eyed Girl. I don't think we've met, so hey, I'm Eimear. Your chum. I hope!

Anyway, this was a jam packed poem, that's for sure. So much to take in and discuss! Firstly, I'll get to what I didn't like so much about it, i.e. what I think can be improved on it to give it more of a chance of being understood (you said above you wanted people to get the message you're conveying, so hopefully I can help!).

1. Tone.

A lot of people underestimate the power of tone in a poem. It's the way a poem is written that really touches the heart of a reader- or makes them turn away in disinterest. The tone of this kept me interested, but not really for the right reasons. You see, you went through so many tonal shifts I could hardly keep up.

To begin with, the speaker seemed sort of optimistic. Sort of like they were gauging the world, listing all the things that confused them but what they'd liked to overcome:

To learn how to fly!

And then it sort of went downwards:

I don’t understand the world.

I don’t understand people.

And then you were kind of building yourself up again:

I play a good part,

In my so called life.

I’m a good actress.

I pass the test,

Which was really kind of confusing. And then at the end you say you're 'every star that ever shone' and I'm left thoroughly perplexed. When it comes down to the bare bones, I'm left wondering, is she happy, is she sad- or is she just trying to look for words to rhyme? Which brings me onto my next point...

2. The Rhyme Scheme.

A trait common in most beginner poets, they scramble to make a poem that resembles those they are most familiar with writing- i.e. a poem that rhymes beautifully. The reader, however, doesn't care if a poem rolls of the tongue nicely if it has sacrificed itself to simply keep words rhyming. Real life doesn't rhyme. You must ask yourself- is the rhyme scheme getting in the way of what I'm trying to say?

Here, I would say yes. But it's just my opinion and just a suggestion. I would re-think elements of it though, because it sounds rather forced.

3. Show, don't tell.

Oh no she didn't....oh yes I did! Yes, unfortunately, I've pulled out that old chestnut. In this poem, I felt like the messages were being battered over my head at a violent speed. When I say show, don't tell- I mean, spice it up a bit. Keep the reader's brain switched on. We read poems because we want well used themes presented in a totally new way. Therefore, when you say:

I am the girl,

With all the grades.

With the smile that never fades.

It doesn't leave much of a taste, simply because I've read it all before. So show more! Use imagery, and personification, and irony, and delve deep into the details around you- you've lived life, there's a world of brutal truths out there just waiting to be wrote about!

Okay, so suggestions over. I'd like to point out that I did in fact like this poem. It came from the heart, and you had some very good points in here. I liked the idea of one person being like a kind of social chameleon, forever changing to please other people, wearing a mask, trying to keep up appearances. I feel that. We all feel that. The recurring motif of the 'human sheild' was also a very good concept too, although I felt you could have developed that a bit more.

Anyway, I've rambled on. All in all, good work, just take a look at the suggestions I made if you like.

And pleased to meet you!

I edited your post so that your author's note does not stretch the page out. In the future, treat anything you type out in the post box like the poem itself; pressing enter each time a new line begins.

I may come back to review this, but stretched pages are a peeve of mine.

-Kylan

This is really good,
ifeel the same way sometimes
I hope you conitnue writing because that is really good.
XD

hello,

I would say you have a lot to say in this poem. In a way its kind of chaotic. Maybe showing life is truly crazy. I understand that lol. I also notice its kind of an up and down roller coaster beginning light hearted then turning sad.

But overall the poem was very nice.

Brown Eyed Girl wrote:Love and hate.
Cupid and fate.
To laugh.
To lie.
To learn how to fly!

After the first stanza I can tell that your word choice is based off of rhyme, and not quite off meaning. It makes it hard for me to pull any meaning at all, right now you are just throwing out a word jumble that happens to rhyme and calling it a poem, and I am sorry to tell you, but it doesn't really work in this case.

I don’t understand the world.
I don’t understand people.
Why they act the way they do.
Their logic in how they feel.
I am the human shield.

First you start with a rhythem and a rhyme, and then in the very next stanza you lose it and go off into another direction all together, this a) confuses the reader and b) completely throws off the meter that you had started. I suggest if you do plan on using rhyme in your poetry, follow a pattern for each stanza.

The first stanza you have goes AABCC and the second stanza goes ABCDD... it completely throws the reader.

Suggestion: Try reading the poem out loud, does it flow? Do you find yourself fumbling over words or line breaks?


On Punctuation

Just because this is poetry does not mean that correct punctuation is not needed ^^ right now you end nearly every line with a period, making the flow very chopping and chaotic.

Think of how you write just a regular old sentence, you wouldn't write it like this I am the myth. The legend, of the control freak Try reading that aloud and breaking where the punctuation marks are

On Content

It's a strange concept, as after reading it I am not exactly sure where you are going with it. Your basic idea changes with every stanza, almost with every line. First you're talking about love and hate, then you jump to what you don't understand, then you jump to what kind of girl you are.

I would pick one of these ideas and focus on it. The lines "I don't need human affection. I don't seek a world of perfection" would be a really interesting idea to start a poem. I would love to see you take just that idea right there and run with it.

Side notes:

You're going to hear this a lot on this site, and certainly not just from me. "Show, don't tell". It sounds cliche, but the advice is sound.

Right now you're telling me all about what kind of person you are, but it gives me little reason as a reader to actually care. I am trying, but I can't find it in myself to care about you until you give me a reason to. "I am this, I am that" doesn't mean anything to anyone but you. Give us as readers a reason to like you, a reason to feel what you are feeling.

Tell us a story with your words, don't just give us words.

Hope this helps

OverEasy

PS. Feel free to PM me with any questions.