Bloodlust - Preface

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

I hope I'm doing this right.
Ok, so my name is Katie, and I'm new to this site. I have no idea how to do anything and I'm having so much fun trying.
So this comment is to Lucy, about Bloodlust-Prologue
(Also, I don't mean to be offensive in any way so if i get over critical, I apologize)

First, let me just say, wow. If you make a book out of this English thing, let me know. I thought Bloodlust was very interesting and definately something I could enjoy. The only critique I could fathom is the excessive use of the first-tense. Not a big deal at all. You could maybe switch some sentences around to make the word " I " less prominent (which is hard, I understand, when your writing from the protagonsit's point of veiw). The writing style was excellent. It's nice to read something so discriptive.

So basically, nice work

Also, I have a feeling you might be a Twilight fan? If you are, I can totally relate. After reading twilight, I went berserk and painted this picture of a vamp with an apple (which is a big deal for me, because as much as I love art, I can never find any inspiration). Ok, the point is, I think your writing is great and I'd love to read more.

As I am less the perfect when it comes to my own grammatical critiquing, I will probably will just be critiquing on the flow of your piece.


Why did he send me here? Frustration and uncertainty filled my every bone.

>>It's a good opening, grabs attention instantly, but it's a bit choppy. It ends harshly. It might read better if you flip the sentences. so that "Why did he send me here?" is read last.

Is it some kind of test? I discarded this thought away as soon as it surfaced in my jumbled brain; he would never choose to test me this way – it was inhumane.

>>It's a good sentace, a goodly amount of information without going overboard. Ther are a few words that aren't really needed. It might flow better if it were written like this.

Is it some kind of test? I discarded the thought as it surfaced in my jumbled brain; he would never choose to test me this way – it was inhumane.

>>Simplifies it a bit, but it is hardly a change. Kept the structural integrity of the sentence, without cluttering it.

Shuddering, my wintry feet spun me around and started to walk me back down the abandoned muddy path.

>>I am not entirely sure what you mean by wintry feet. And suddenly your feet have control of you. It's not bad, just a little awkward.



A gust of wind suddenly whipped my slimy strands of hair around my face. I froze where I stood: a glorious smell assaulted my nostrils and had my reluctant body moving back towards the imposing, ancient manor.

>>The first sentence reads a little off. What if it read like this "A gust of wind tugged suddenly at my slimy strands of hair, tossing them about my face."?
The second sentence is humorous and descriptive, but again you have your body acting as it's own agent. Is this perhaps a part of the story?


In that moment I forgot everything: what brought me to this house and why I was there – I could no longer remember. All that mattered to me now was the tormenting scent.

>>You used the words here and there, like switching from past and present. Fix that and it is perfect.

As I approached the rusted metal gate, I slowed my footsteps and brushed my fingertips lightly over the edges before pushing it impatiently out of my way. I had to get closer to the derelict house and that smell.

>>Nice imagery. I would knock out the second 'and' in the first sentence by using a coma instead and saying brushing my fingertips along the edges, before....


The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me. I didn’t know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps. Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; inky black paint peeled away at the edges from years of being neglected and ravaged by storms.

>>I wouldn't use the term The Black Door way, it makes it seem as if the character knew of it before. Maybe if your tried something like this "A black door way appeared unexpectedly before me, materializing out of nothing."

>>Also it happens very fast. One minute she's standing before a gate, and then a door. I would try to speak about the trip between if only a little bit. Your imagery however, is fantastic after that.


I willed my ivory hand towards the door, but my palm refused to obey me. Instead, it stayed limp at my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?

>>Nicely put. I would use the word laid instead of stayed, and maybe throw in the word 'even' in the last sentence so it reads "Was the door even open?"

Decisively, my eager hands pushed with all their force upon the brittle wooden door. It fell to the floor with a resounding crash. A loud shriek emitted from somewhere above me; it grated on my ears and had my misted breaths and frantic pulse racing.

>>I don't know if the word decisively works here. I'd say the same with 'resounding'. It seems like your trying way to hard, and digging way deep in the thesaurus. It's okay to use a thesaurus, it's my second bible, but don't go over board. Emitted is a stretch too, it just doesn't if with the picture you have painted. 'Bursted' would work nicely. I would we-work the entire last half of the last sentence, because it reads really off.

I stepped into the house and my bare toes curled in protest at being placed on the cold stone floor. Inquisitively, I tilted my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming. It intrigued me.

>>Again, nice imegery, but your word-dumping again. You paint such a beautiful picture that it is okay to keep it simple. It would be perfectly okay to say "my bare toes curled in protest against the cold stone floor". It's less cluttered and still keeps your idea together. And in reality, does high pitched screaming intrigue you, or frighten you into curiosity? Could your character perhaps be worried about the screaming?

No sooner had I took a step further into the dark hallway that the squealing stopped abruptly. Frowning, I wondered why it had stopped. The silence was pressing down upon me; I had to find the source of that shrill noise.

>>Word dumping. Drop the word 'that' and 'abruptly'. Seconded sentence, drop 'it had stopped'. It's assumed. ' You have such good imagery, you just have to watch clutter.

I looked towards the staircase, robed in majesty, dark mahogany banisters twisting upwards and into the unknown. I took three delicate steps towards it, feeling the moistness in the air wrap around me like sodden robes.

Perfect and uncluttered!


That delectable scent strengthened as I neared the scarlet carpeted stairway; it made my desiccated mouth water and my steps quicken. My nostrils were itching to be quenched.

>> Desiccated works here. A good example of using a thesaurus. It is not too much of a stretch.





Thats all I can do for now. I love the piece, it is imaginative and painted well. Please take my crituques with a grain of salt. I never mean anything rude. I'm a friendly person.

-Shadowbox.

Hi This looks promising! Let me see...

Why did he send me here? Frustration and uncertainty filled my every bone. This is a good intro. I was intrigued.


Is it some kind of test? Hmm. Italics for thoughts maybe? I discarded this thought away as soon as it surfaced in my jumbled brain; he would never choose to test me this way – it was inhumane. Sighing, I looked up at the neglected house. Shivers tingled down my spine as I studied the decaying walls; the spindly ivy that clung desperately to the crumbling bricks; the two storeys of grimy windows were like disapproving eyes peering down at me. Shuddering, my wintry feet spun me around and started to walk me back down the abandoned muddy path. Nice imagery. Be careful not to go OTT with it, though. A zeal for adjectives can be seductive but gets a bit after a while. Not that that has happened yet.


A gust of wind suddenly please oh please scrap that suddenly whipped my slimy strands of hair around my face. I froze where I stood: a glorious smell assaulted hmm, this juxtaposition isn't working. glorious and yet assaults her nostrils!? my nostrils and had my reluctant body moving back towards the imposing, ancient manor. In that moment I forgot everything: what brought me to this house and why I was there – I could no longer remember. All that mattered to me now was the tormenting scent. Last sentence seemed a bit melodramatic.


As I approached the rusted rusty? metal gate, I slowed my footsteps and brushed my fingertips lightly over the edges before pushing it impatiently out of my way. I had to get closer to the derelict house and that smell.


The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me. I didn’t know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps. Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; This would look better as a new sentence. inky black paint peeled away at the edges from years of being neglected and ravaged by storms. I willed my ivory hand towards the door, but my palm refused to obey me. Instead, it stayed limp at my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?


Decisively, my eager hands pushed with all their force upon the brittle wooden door. It fell to the floor with a resounding crash. A loud shriek emitted from somewhere above me; it grated on my ears and had my misted breaths and frantic pulse racing. Ooh, powerhouse wording! I stepped into the house and my bare toes curled in protest at being placed on the cold stone floor. Inquisitively, I tilted my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming. It intrigued me. No sooner had I took a step further into the dark hallway that the squealing stopped abruptly. Frowning, I wondered why it had stopped. The silence was pressing down upon me; I had to find the source of that shrill noise. OK, do you really need summary of how she felt at end of each paragraph?


I looked towards the staircase, robed in majesty, dark mahogany banisters twisting upwards and into the unknown. I took three [s]delicate[/s] steps towards it, feeling the moistness in the air wrap around me like sodden robes. That delectable scent strengthened as I neared the scarlet carpeted stairway; it made my desiccated mouth water and my steps quicken. My nostrils were itching to be quenched. Very nicely put. However, it gets a bit annoying when you use this sort of illustrious writing constantly. Mix it up a bit.


My steps were tentative as I made my way up into the gloominess, my toes relishing the feel of the luxuriously carpeted stairs. I came to an immediate halt on the top step. I could no longer see beyond the tip of my nose. Involuntarily, I squinted slightly to see in the shadowy darkness; the gloomy landing looked as though it had hidden years of secrets – I was almost waiting for a pallid ghost to glide across before me and slide nonchalantly through one of the three closed doors that lay in front of me. As I took a closer look, I saw that all three doors were scorched, as though they had suffered from hot flames licking [s]away[/s] at them. Not for the first time, I wondered how this house could still be standing. But now it was not important: all other thoughts washed away as I rapidly smelt upon the enticing scent thick in the air. I looked frantically upon the blocked doors in front of me, taunting me. Which one should I go into? I walked warily towards the door straight in front of me, the scent in the air urging me on. I was now in front of the door. My trembling hands grasped uncertainly upon the brass doorknob. I turned it. It was unlocked. Pushing on the blistered wooden door, I crouched defensively, ready to protect myself. The door swung open slowly, as though teasing me. I waited impatiently in the doorway, the delicious smell strong in the air. The door was now fully open.


Something was in the middle of the dimly lit room: it looked like a mangled heap of dishcloths. Puzzled, I moved vigilantly into the room, wanting to inspect the unknown thing laid out ungainly in the middle of the carpeted floor. The heap shifted. Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. Instantaneously, I realised what the mangled heap was: it was a human. To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming. It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened.


Walking fully into the room, I strode over to the person cowering on the floor. I placed my [s]frosty[/s] fingertips upon its shoulder: she a minute ago it was 'it'. Be wary of this. Maybe give it different name on new sentence? shivered at my icy touch. Her frightened face [s]was looking back at me[/s] looked back at me – her green eyes ablaze with dread. It was as though she knew what I was. Ignoring the terrified expression on her face, my own eyes locked on her bare neck and at the thick vein pulsing heavily with blood and adrenaline. The scent was now stronger than ever. Bloodlust took over me and my glacial fingertips grabbed either side of her neck and I bit down into the thick vein. Warm blood gushed into my frozen mouth, thawing it out. One taste wouldn’t be enough. The hot liquid was blistering my mouth: I couldn’t get enough of it.


I felt her body twitch and struggle uselessly beneath me. I tightened my grip on her nonetheless. Soon her weak body was limp – dead. I had drained her, not only of blood but of life as well. Worded a tad cliche. I don't know if it's the whole vampire-complex altogether, lol.


I straightened up and looked at the girl who lay dead in front of me. She was pretty. She looked strangely vulnerable laying there, her thick brown locks in disarray around her heart shaped face.


I turned my back on this haunting image; New sentence I would not feel guilty.


As I stood to my feet, wiping my bloody, scarlet fingers down my tattered and ripped clothes, a slight movement caught the corner of my eye. Manically, I flung the door open and gasped at the sight of the disfigured face staring down at me.

So... I thought it was tremendously well written. You have a fantastical vocabulary and certainly make full use of it. However, I think that might be your Achilles heel also. You appear to have rather overwritten some parts. Too many adjectives I think. Also, sometimes you should try to describe a room separately to it having a link to the MC's actions. Otherwise it sounds like a prop rather than a setting.
Apart from that, all good certainly. Grammar was flawless. I expect you got a good grade, hmm?




Lauren

Thank you so much all of you for your amazing reviews, they will come in so helpful, so thank you very much for taking your time to read and review this: I really appreciate it =D. Thank you sooo much (:
--Lucyy xx

I AM BACK. Haha.

Why did he send me here? Frustration and uncertainty filled my every bone.

Is it some kind of test?

I think the questions should be in italics and ' ' because it's a thought, yes?

storeys

*stories.

In that moment I forgot everything: what brought me to this house and why I was there – I could no longer remember.

I think that before this, you should explain what brought her. That way when she says this, we the readers aren't clueless.

I slowed my footsteps and brushed my fingertips lightly over the edges before pushing it impatiently out of my way.

Hmm. This is almost a contradiction sentence. She slowed her footsteps but if she was impatient, wouldn't she quicken them?

The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me.

This sounds strange... how about:
I must have been dazing because once I past the gate, I was already at the creep black door. I don't even recall walking.

I turned it. It was unlocked.

Eh, nothing's exactly wrong with this. It's just that it doesn't sound good.

I waited impatiently in the doorway, the delicious smell strong in the air. The door was now fully open.

Maybe make this one sentence: I waited impatiently in the doorway, the delicious smell strong in the air now that the door was fully open.

To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming.

How could she know this?

As I stood to my feet, wiping my bloody, scarlet fingers down my tattered and ripped clothes, a slight movement caught the corner of my eye. Manically, I flung the door open and gasped at the sight of the disfigured face staring down at me.

Oh who is this? who is this? Aw man I hate cliff hangers! hehe. Good job, Lucyy! Enjoyable to the extent that I can't wait for chapter two. Did you have a list of vocabulary words you had to use? It seemed like it, but good none the less(:

Sorry this all looks like a jumbled mess~

Hey, I apologize if it is too late for you to be taking criticism on this but I'd like to say a few things. First I really liked this. Though, I must say that it felt really unfamiliar. I don't really know you or how you right but I get this feeling that this is not your territory, and that may be just because of how hard you tried to use an overly excessive vocabulary.

All the big words kind of draw away from you being in the piece, probably because it doesn't flow so smoothly to me, most likely that stems from the fact that the emotions you are trying to portray are not as complicated as they are being portrayed. Also some of your uses of comas take away some of the flow. I think it would be better, mostly because of the subject matter, if you would have more pauses and stops in trains of thought in certain places.

There's like a huge lack of separation in the actions that are taking place. I don't know if you did this on purpose to separate action and emotion or not (And if you did there's nothing wrong with that) but if not then it just makes it flow awkwardly. Like I have no idea how to use the quotes thing but for example!

(Your last paragraph here)
While wiping my bloody scarlet fingers down my tattered and ripped clothes (Here it kind of portrays how they feel about what occurred) I stood to my feet and a slight movement caught the corner of my eye. (here is a completely separate thought/occurrence, a distraction from the being so apathetic as to wipe of the blood) Manically, I flung the door open. (I think a period here makes it nice and suspenseful and gives the reader a moment to wonder and there's a pause in the actual occurring action and you also feel the connection/the change between what was felt and what is actually felt by this person) I gasped at the sight of the disfigured face staring down at me. (Opened the door THEN gasped. You separate the two and there's more than one feeling going on along with more than one action occurring within the feelings. It might seem kind of repetitive but read it it definitely does not feel that way. It also helps to separate the actual realization from the actions)

Or maybe I just thought too much on this. But anyway, thank you very much for allowing us to read o:

Wow, a big, huge, ginormous (now that's big =P ) thank you to all of you that have taken your time to both read and review it, you are all too nice . Thank you also for all your tips and comments as they all help me so much as I'm both editing this piece and continuing on with this story - so a big shout out of THANK YOU to all of you, you're all totally with a cherry on top awesome!! =D

Sorry if this seems a little late since you posted this back in January and it's April and I'm just now reading it. ^_^;; I haven't been on in a really long time.

Anyway, I think this story is amazing. I love the detail that you put in it.

Oh, boy. I had more I was going to say, but I'm at school and we went to lunch and I forgot all of it. Sorry. ^_^;;

But this was absolutely amazing and I'm so ready to read chapter one, two, and three next. =)

Hi there!
Well, I feel a little odd reviewing this now. It was posted a long time ago and there have but several reviews already, but I read it, so what the heck? I really like what you did here. Most of my comments have been previously said, so I won't torture you by repeating them. You had soem really nice instances of imagery, and you seem to have a good handle on story. I was intrigued. I definitely have to read more now!
-Alyssa