Where is My Savior Now?

I wrote this yesterday, trying to get my feelings out on paper. I think it works well. Maybe a little too short.

-


Twisted and perverted vines
ensnare victims of wrongdoing. Their hopes are
failing to shoot, and their dreams have already been
annihilated.

I am one of them. Feelings encase my thoughts like
a closed book—words helplessly overwhelmed in the white
crinkled pages.

(judge no man, said jesus)
Where is my savior now?

Pressure wears and
tears my mind. The wide field of
a million bombs detonate,
creating a symphony of earth-shattering,
heart-wrenching,
guilty
pain.

(jesus cant save you)
Where is my savior now?

BigBadBear wrote:Twisted and perverted vines
ensnare victims of wrongdoing.

Wrongdoing? Such an abstract concept sandwiched uncomfortably between a tangible image and a vague ending to the stanza. Don't torment the reader by starting off so well and then rolling...rolling...rolling down to the bottom of the poetic hill, which would be you talking about all of life's mysteries like a Greek philosopher. It doesn't work.

Their hopes are
failing to shoot, and their dreams have already been
annihilated.

Yeah, see above. Also, the segregation of "annihilated" doesn't work because there's really no punch, no surprise or emphasis that is usually the reason for such odd line spacing. I mean, what else are dreams going to do when there are "twisted and perverted vines" ensnaring people? Fly off into the beautiful sunrise?

No, we already get what happens, so don't put in fake suspense.

I am one of them. Feelings encase my thoughts like
a closed book—words helplessly overwhelmed in the white
crinkled pages.

Not bad, but this is more of a quirky image than a "deep" one because of how seriously you present it even though the image itself is rather simplistic (not saying that simplicity is a bad thing). I hope that was the reaction you were going for.

(judge no man, said jesus)
Where is my savior now?

So I'm assuming that "jesus" is not capitalized for a reason.

Pressure wears and
tears my mind. The wide field of
a million bombs detonate,
creating a symphony of earth-shattering,

Wear and tear is an overused cliche, you know this. Take it out. Please.

"Wide field" was nice in the beginning because it seemed to link to the paper that you mentioned above - "white fields" are the paper sheets, right? But then I realized that this was probably unintentional on your part and then I became depressed because that means I got more out of this poem than what the author intended.

Symphony is a paradox that leads nowhere. Symphonies are beautiful, why include them here? If there's a reason for this dilemma, it's too deeply buried to be discerned. "Cacophony" might work better.

heart-wrenching,
guilty
pain.

No no no. Too emo and the line spacing is tacky. Bundle this all up in one line and don't use trite and useless phrases like "pain" and "heart-wrenching".

(jesus cant save you)
Where is my savior now?

Again, fine, not capitalized, have your poetic license.

Overall, I'm not sure what the quality of your other poems is but this wasn't very good. I'm conflicted as to whether you should keep this or not because on one hand, it's ridden with too many holes to float anymore unless you start from scratch and on the other hand, it does have potential because of the religious undertones. Do what you will.

Hope that helped.

Hey Jared, June here, and I'm going to review this.

Before I begin (I should warn you that I am a somewhat biased person, so you can neglect something I say that may be out-of-line) I want to say that I really, really like this; it feels like the sort of poem that vents emotion and feeling based on what you have.

As far as stanzaic development goes in this, I think that it could be better. I feel that you started us with some good ideas, concrete things that you can expand and grow on to make this poem wonderful and meaningful to everyone who reads it. Right now, I am feeling that this would have more meaning for those with a Christian background-- but I definitely feel that with a bit more development, you can expand upon this and make it relevant for everyone.

It also feels like you left us hanging. As I mentioned, you started some brilliant ideas, and you didn't complete them. You mentioned that this poem is short, and I think that if you take a moment and read over this again, adding a touch here, touch there, you can bring us so, so much more, Bear. I think you really have the potential to do that here, and I think you should.

By the way, I'm not saying this to mean that I don't like this. I think it's an amazing start, and I would just love to see you carry this into something bigger.

Also! Pay attention to commas and apostrophes, dear. Keep it up.

~ June