Make It Mine

Make it mine
all that you hold and see
for those things you own
always belonged to me.
The night you were born
even though I was still a babe
And two months older, I was your keeper.
I heard your bald cry
In those first notes of yours-
sang I.

Give me those irises of pigmented green
give them to me, along with your lips.
those fat red petals that emerge as a blush,
those dark long lashes, soft and lush
and your dancing feet,
bare in the grass.
give me your heart
I won’t break it like glass.

Make it mine, what you are
and I’ll give you the earth
for I belonged to you from the very first blink
that night
of your sweet birth.

Hey, Eim!

Make it mine

Let me start off by saying that I love this line. It has a great rythm.

all that you hold and see

for those things you own

always belonged to me.

I like how this bit ends, but, it seems out of place. You come into the poem with, "Make it mine" which is short. It stops up te rest of these lines for a bit. You have good lines here, just, the beginning lines is too short for the following lines. I suggest making the first line bigger. Maybe add a "Be" between "Make it" and Mine" = "Make it be mine".

even though I was still a babe

And two months older, I was your keeper.

I heard your bald cry

In those first notes of yours-

sang I.

Shouldn't "Babe" be "Baby"? Okay, the second line of this quote moves time really fast with no imagery. This is a prime area to introduce some lovely imagery. Use the sun or moon to describe time going by. When you describe two months going by, it makes the poem better. It seems you go between two people here, the mother and baby. Or it seems that way to me. Make that a bit clearer. When you say, "I heard your bald cry" it seems just ehh. Use some strong words here. Although this word works, there might be some better ones. How about "Infantile", "Dry", Innocent", or "Pure". These words are a little stronger. I'm not saying all poems have to be strong, but, I think a stronger word would better fit. I think you should change, "Sang I" to "I sang". This isn't the type of poem to use inverse. (At Least I don't think so.)

those dark long lashes, soft and lush

Another favorite line! Lovely!

I won’t break it like glass.

This line seems forced. I recommend changing it. Or, just make it not rhyme with the above lines.

that night

of your sweet birth.

Wonderful ending, Eim!


Overall: I liked it. I admit, it wasn't my favorite by you, but it was good. It needs to be polished, though!


Good luck! I can';t wait to see what you change with it!


---Jon---

There is very good poetic description here but it gets to be a little too much at times. I think that it takes away from the emotion of the poem. I like the last stanza. Throughout the beginning of the poem you talk about how the subject belongs to you but the last two lines say how you belong to the subject as well. Overall I'd say it was an okay piece.