darling

song: Monsters (Matchbox Romance)

003. anagnorisis

A/N: I think this needs some help. I'm not so hot about narrative poetry.

--

it is raining
tin roof chattering,
gnawing, plague of locusts,
__________and every one of em
spitting tobacco juice on our roof,
brown sluice down the drainpipes,
leaking strands
like hair let down.
my fingers are soft and agitated,
pink, i squeeze them like udders,
muffle my breathing,
so close, so thin,
tinniest most delicate bug,
hold it, claim it,
__________tickly antennaes.
i put my face in my pillow.

you can hear it over the lord god himself.
the rain on the roof,
is the quietest whisper
compared to the
__________bump, thump, spasm
next door, socked screaming,
jugged breathing,
i can almost feel his hands, his sparkplug eyes,
the bastard smear, juicy mouth,
hooked like shriveling, widowed berries.
sing a song, sing a prayer,
momma screams, screeches,
desperate echolocation.
the tears are long gone;
__________i shape the words.

the sheets bend and hump,
like a highway under moonlight,
my feet are cold, and it is reduced
to grunts, flagellated moans,
the darkness is warm, broad,
folds around me like horses' lips,
__________rattle rattle rattle
hot, spelunking breath,
stalactite teeth,
he pulls up
his sooty
__________drawers.

__________later,
an unveiled moon,
pretentious bride to be kissed,
wet leaves bruise the night,
I hear her reading scripture,
blubbering, oozing gospel,
the words heavy
__________as ballast.

she apologizes,
for keeping me up.

Kylan,

I really, really like your poetry. I think it was you that told me that you don't have to understand poetry to love it. So I've been reading lots of poetry, trying to see if I can get beautiful mental pictures like you said I would. I love reading your poetry now--not because I understand the message in its entirety, but because I get these wonderful images.

With, the, first, stanza, did, you, intentionally, put, all, those, commas, there, because it really made it a jerky read. Poetry is supposed to look good, like a dessert. If the dessert doesn't look good, you won't eat it, right?

Commas make it look less appetizing.

Overall, I love the musical effect that rubbed of on this poem. It read like you could hear the music behind this. I could feel what you where trying to convey. I think your strong point in poetry is your musical effect. I read somewhere that poems are about creating this musical effect, like Edgar Allen Poe did with The Bells. If you haven't read that poem, I suggest you do. It's one of my favorites. It gives off this fantastic sense of bells ringing, and you can totally hear it as you say the poem out loud.

I wish I could give you some more advice, but I don't know what to say. Now that I look over the first stanza, maybe those commas were intentional? It made it give it a frantic feel, like you are stumbling over something, trying to get away from something. If that's what you're going for, great job. If not, delete those commas, because they made me stumble and fall.

Good luck!

-Jared