All is Not What It Seems

ALL IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS
You’re smooth and velvety like a peach
On the outside
You smile and your eyes twinkle
You’re the “one” to hang out with
Your kind and you laugh
On the outside
Your skin is bright like the morning sun
It Shimmers
On the outside
Everyone knows who YOU are
Who wouldn’t?
You’re popular and accepted
Sweet
And Caring, aren’t you?
On the outside
Sweet like a strawberry, bright as a rose
Eyes a bright pool from the evening moon
Glorious
Free
Like a joyful bird
On the Outside
Flutter freely
Do as you want
No one knows who you REALLY are
On the Outside
Everything hits the ceiling
With a fiery eruption
Tears flowing like lava from a volcano
Fists Swing
There’s no more laughing anymore
Only crackling
On the Inside
Pay no heed to those you don’t care for
Only laugh and smile at those that please you
No need to be concerned about
The losers
On the inside
You’re steaming like a hardboiled egg
Nobody can touch you
“I’m just having a moment” You assure them
You get up and grin
“We know you’re faking it”
“It’s as plain as day”
“Why did we hang out with you anyway?”
It all on the inside
Not on the out
Just get it straight
Think about it
Is it worth being “popular?”
“Pretty?”
Or “kind”
On the outside?
Or is it worth
Friendship
Leadership
And genuine kindness
On the inside?

You’re smooth and velvety like a peach
On the outside

I think this would do better being;

"You're as smooth and velvety as a peach;
on the outside"

I think it would do better as a simile

You’re the “one” to hang out with
Your kind and you laugh

"One" actually shouldn't have the quotation marks around it. It may seem so when writing it, bu it doesn't need it . Also, "your" should be "you're". Tricky conjunctions

It Shimmers

Instead of "it shimmers" just try "shimmering".

Okay, I have to say, I think it drags on a bit. Try disposing of some lines; even though that may be tough. It seems as though, throughout the poem, you were just repeating yourself; never good to do, deary... near the end, I just wanted it to be over for it was going on way too long. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I thank that is the biggest thing you need to work on.

Also, the rhythm and structure of the poem were way off. A lot of lines were as long as a whole sentence, while others are just one word. Even it out a little and work on the line breaks, please. I've seen another poem you wrote, and I just know you have the talent to do better on this one

Well, I think that's all! Thanks for the PM; anytime, hon. PM me again if you ever need anything else!

Write on

~April

I like how this starts out all calm and peaceful then all dark and mad. Pretty cool. In my opinion it's kind of odd comparing things to food in this poem because it seems out of place. But that's just me.

Nit Picks:

* This poem would be better broken into stanzas. It would flow a little smoother that way.

*You need to add puncuation. That would also help with the flow and how it's supposed to be read.

*after you add puncution, change the capitalization of the letters accordingly. If it isn't the beginging of a sentence it dosn't need to capitalized. ( unless it like I or something, of course)

i like the meaning of you're poem. The whole no one knows what's underneath thing. Good subject.
Well written.

My main problem with this is punctuation! I think for some poems it's okay to go light on the punctuation, but in the case of this poem, the lack of punctuation makes it difficult to read. For instance:

Your kind and you laugh

On the outside

Your skin is bright like the morning sun

This could mean three different things:

1. "You're kind and you laugh on the outside. Your skin is bright like the morning sun."
2. "You're kind and you laugh. On the outside, your skin is bright like the morning sun."
3. "You're kind and you laugh. On the outside. Your skin is bright like the morning sun."

I think it's probably more like the third one because you repeat "on the outside". But for the reader, the lines are kind of disconnected from each other because one can't always tell which lines go together.

You approached an important topic in an interesting way. Well done.
-rachel

Hiya!

Transition: The transition between "outside" and "inside" is rather sharp and almost unnoticable. Put in some sort of transitioning line between the two segments, or the mention of some event that brings the inside out to the surface.

I liked all the fruit metaphors you put in. The peach would be an especially good one to elabourate on, since it's got a hard pit at the center. It implies that the sweetness doesn't last, or that there's something that can turn it rotted. I'd add in that mention when the focus changes from "outside" to "inside." It would make things stick a bit more.

Meaning: I'd like a bit more on the last meaning you brought in, about popularity being worth it. That wasn't put in much, and when things shift to the Inside, that meaning could be brought in a bit more.

Overall: This is a very potent poem, and even though it's written for one person in perticular I'm pretty sure all of us know somebody like this. The perfect person who only a handful of people see through. I believe with a few bits of editing this will be a wonderful work!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Alrighty, first of all, I feel like you took no advantage of the extra length. You continued thoughts and ideas that weren't that interesting in the first place, combining them into a piece which neither had original ideas nor original ways of expressing those ideas, both of which are key in creating a successful poem.

"No one knows who you REALLY are" If you stop and think about it, how many times have you heard that before?

As Rosey mentioned, any kind of transition from idea to idea is almost nonexistent. The description of the reactions when you begin talking about "inside" is so ambiguous you suddenly have a difficult time being able to tell what's going on. The rest of it is so jumbled; you swerve from thought to thought and back again, with no punctuation to aid us in interpretation. There are poems which do alright without proper punctuation. When done properly it can be a useful poetic devise. But not in this case. Your poem does not have the clarity to stand alone without punctuation.

Why do you have randomly capitalized words? If you need emphasis on those words you can use italics, or better yet use punctuation or line breaks to emphasize them. Capitalizing them is not the way to go about it.

"Your skin is bright like the morning sun
It Shimmers"
This is out of place. You're in the middle of a description of personality; looks didn't come into the purpose of this poem at all.

All in all, I didn't really like this. The subject matter was tired and cliched. To be honest, I would scrap it almost entirely and start again. The metaphors I would mostly keep, and expand a great deal. Probably not the bird and the volcano parts, but if you took the fruit, added other comparisons, and centred this around the metaphor, I think that would be of some help.

If you want any other help with this, feel free to ask.


_Nam

it's pretty good. I think you just have to check " Your" and change it to "you're". Also it seems to be a bit long. Maybe shorten it a bit?

"To be honest, I would scrap it almost entirely and start again."
Okay, I will. I'm not getting anything good about it so I'll trash it if its this bad.