Fading Rainbow (ch 2)

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should I continue this or just stop give it up?

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I felt no pain as I blinked my eyes opened. For a minute all I could see was the whiteness of the hospital room, but as my eyes adjusted I could tell that there wasn’t much to the room to begin with. I was laying in a thin hospital bed surrounded by heavy metal machines that was supposedly keeping me alive. Cords, connected to most of the machinery, stuck to my chest. I know realized that I was wearing a paper lime green hospital gown. My hair sat wildly and damp on the pillow beneath my head. It was completely silent besides the slow beeping of the machines. I felt strangely calm not like I had somehow felt before. My mind was spinning. For some reason I couldn’t remember anything. How did I get here? Why was I here? There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with me. Sighing, I let my head lift as my green eyes darted from one side of the wall to the other, but it there was no signs of mine or anyone else’s existence. A smell of medicine and old people strongly filled the room, making my nose crinkle. The next moment the door burst opened and a tall dark haired lady with a long white coat came stalking in the room. For the few seconds the door was opened, I could hear the rush and excitement of the rest of the hospital, but it all became quiet again once the door slammed shut.

I know focused on the lady, she seemed to be the main doctor. The one who could tell me what the hell is going on anyways. I watched as she paced back and forth for a minute scribbling something down on her clipboard. Afterwards, she turned to me and smiled. She had a thin face and a broad smile reminding me of someone close to me I couldn’t put my finger on.

“So, Alexandra is it? Or do you want me to call you Alex?” the lady asked.

Alex, so I did have a name. I was beginning to remember. Most people called me Alex, but few called me Ali. “Alex is fine,” I muttered to the lady.

“Alrighty then let’s get down to business. Your probably wondering why you’re here exactly.
My mind was saying, “Hell yea! Tell me before I explode!” but my lips remained sealed.
“Well,” she began so slow that I wanted to yell at her until I became horse, “after your terrible bicycle accident you went into a coma for a year.” My brain and heart immediately jumped to conclusions.

“What?” I shouted, completely shocked and freaked out.

“I’m very sorry, I can see how this can be big news for you.”
“Big new?” I could no longer hold my tongue. This had gone too far. “This is more than just big news! You can NOT expect me to be calm about this, lady.”

The doctor looked at me with stern eyes, her lips pursed tightly together. “First of all its Dr. Helen and second I expect you to behave and do as I say. Are we clear?”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Sure whatever.”

“Now I’m going to check you over and see what’s all working and what’s not.” I gave her confused look, but she ignored me and went over to check the machines. “Well your heart seems to be in perfect condition and so does your breathing. I guess we can take all these wires off.” The lady walked over to me and pulled off all the wires that were attached to my bare chest and slid out the tube that stuck annoyingly inside my nostrils. She then took out her stethoscope and placed the cold metal part on my bare back. “Breath,” she ordered in a rude sort of tone. However, I did as she asked. After the doctor checked my nose, mouth ears and eyes, she quickly jotted it all down on her clipboard and turned back to me. “Alright, you seem to be in perfect condition. Now let’s just see if you can walk.

“What are you talking about of course I can walk,” I smirked, throwing the thin covers off my bare legs and hopping to the floor. As my feat hit the cool concrete, I felt a sudden chill run through my entire body. I walked back and forth around the room before I gave the doctor a rude look that was saying, “See.” Once again she ignored me and wrote some more stuff on her clipboard.

“OK, miss I can do anything, lets test your memory. Where do you live?”
My eyes turned to the floor as I though hard about that question. Where did I live? I knew this was one of the easiest questions, but all of a sudden it was like I was taking a huge history test that I wasn’t prepared for. “Who is your family?” she asked before I had a chance to answer the first question. Who was my family? This seemed like a more important question. I know I had to have a family, but for some odd reason I couldn’t remember who they were. “What was the last thing you did?”

“I don’t know,” I finally answered, my eyes still focused on the ground.

“That is alright. Its normal for you to forget things when you come out of a coma. Here I think I have something that might help. I will be right back.” The doctor left me alone frozen to the spot still wondering why I couldn’t remember anything. I thought about it until my brain began to hurt and I had to sit back down on the bed.

Five minutes later the Dr. Helen came back with a large paper sack in her hands and her clipboard under her arm. She sat down next to me and pulled out a white silky dress. “This is the last thing you wore before you went into the coma,” she exclaimed handing me the dress.

As I held smooth dress in my hands, I felt my mood swing change from confused to sad. This dress had something special to it, I just knew it. There was some type of story behind it that made my heart sink deep inside my chest, but what? When she handed, me a black and white polka doted bathing suit. It became a little clear. I was beginning to remember the beach, the lights, the loud music, and the blur of people. Dr. Helen then placed a small silver ring in the palm of my hands. In the center of the ring was a heart. I slid it onto my ring finger and it fit perfectly. I let my eyelids fall and tried to let my feelings take control. I was beginning to remember this ring was giving to me by my boyfriend. If only I could remember his name. I sat there and thought about it for a good long five minutes, but my mind became blank again.

“Here is your cell phone,” the doctor said in a sooth gentle tone, handing me a blue i-phone. I flipped it opened and there on the screen was a picture of my boyfriend and me side by side. He had his large muscular arms around mine as my head rested on his bare chest. “Do you know who that is in the picture with you?” she asked, scooting in closer to me and leaning over my shoulder so that I could feel her warm breath on my neck.

“That’s my boyfriend, Sam.” The words swung out of my lips like magic and I didn’t even know what I had just said. I suddenly felt a hole burning in my heart as I glanced back down at the ring. The ending of the story was becoming clear. I remember when I last saw Sam, he was making out with another woman; someone apparently much prettier and graceful then me. I had always thought all of that didn’t matter so much to Sam. I had always thought that he would stick with me until the day I died. However, all my dreams all my trust, and everything I had left to give was shoved in the dirt on the night he cheated on me. No longer lost in thought, I now felt like a weak twig hanging off the edge of another branch about to fall to my death at any given minute. I didn’t have anyone to lean on. There was nothing to grab a hold of so that I wouldn’t fall. The whole world was blocked out and I couldn’t hear a thing deep inside my thoughts as I starred at the ring back inside my palm. A tear made its way out of my eyes and down my cheeks and I felt the warm arm of Dr. Helen’s around my shoulder. Quickly drying my eyes, I turned up to look at her. “Can I go home?” I asked, my voice weak and low.

The doctor rose to her feet. “Of course. You may get dressed and I will go phone call one of your family members.” She stood there waiting for me to ignolage her, but I couldn’t bring myself to force words out of my mouth or even nod my head. When the doctor finally left the room, I stood back up and slid off the hospital gown and let it fall to the ground. seeing that it was the only thing I had, I put back on my bathing suit and white dress and slipped on a pair of pink flip-flops that were in the very bottom of the bag. Wearing it again made me feel cold in a way that I never felt before. I paced back and forth throughout the hospital room for what seemed like hours. The hole in my heart remained the same as it had only a few minutes ago. I bit my bottom lip and folded my arms across my chest. My heart was burning so low for Sam I hadn’t even thought about my family until a strange lady walked inside the room without a single knock. I froze to the spot and immediately stopped what I was doing. I could tell right away that she didn’t work at the hospital just by the way she dressed. She had on a short blue mini skirt and a white spaghetti strap shirt with at bit of her flat stomach showing. Her face was thin along with her short blond hair and her arms and legs were majorly skinny and bony. The lady’s blood red stained lips went along with her pale face. Her dark blue eyes looked like they were going to fall off. “Alex?” she asked her voice scratching, but high.

“Yes?” I stuttered.

“I thought you were dead.” As the words flew out of her trembling lips, my mind started to spin faster like never before. How did she assume me to be dead? I was right here and how did she even know me to begin with? I must have had a confused look on my face, because the lady spoke up again. “You don’t remember me, do you?” I let my head shake. “I’m your older sister, Shayne.” As she said this tears began to fall from her eyes. My mind started to spin the other direction.

“I’m sorry, I don’t really remember,” I stuttered.

“You don’t remember, all the times I took you to the mall or the late nights we would stay up at the beach stalking other guys?” I shook my head again as more tears streamed down her thin now red face. I hit my eyes to the floor not wanting to face Shayne. “Well, are you ready to go home?” Home, the words made me feel warmer inside. I weak smile spread on my face as I nodded my head.

As I walked out of the small white room and into the busy, hospital hallway, the rush and excitement filled my empty, quiet ears. I desperately tried to walk behind Shayne, but she took such small steps that it was impossible. When we reached the revolving doors and were outside, the hot sun felt warm on my chilled arms. I slowly followed Shayne over to a silver convertible which seemed be kept in perfect condition. As I slid into the passenger seat she climbed into the driver’s side and started the car. Decode, by Paramore blasted at high volume. This was a song that I knew and loved so I couldn’t help but sing along. Shayne ignored me as she drove out of the hospital’s parking lot and down the high way.

The wind felt good blowing my long brown hair in every direction. I was starting to feel more alive than when I just woke up. When the song was over and the D.J was back on, Shayne turned the volume down. It now became quiet; a little too quiet. I wanted to say something. Make conversation with my supposedly sister, but as soon as I opened my mouth to speak it closed right back up again. Maybe now wasn’t the best time to cope with her. So the car ride was silent as we drove through the enormously tall building in downtown to a small town with few buildings past a beach that came to a familiar in my story. I wondered if I should bring up Sam; ask Shayne if she still knew him and how he’s been, but once again my mouth remained locked.

She drove into a small quiet neighborhood and stopped at a two story brick house. The surrounding grass grew way into the sky as it took a nice color of dark green. Wild flowers scattered across the lawn while the sun seemed to shine directly on the center of the front porch included with a wooden porch swing, the blue paint chipping off and the chain rusty and old. The red and white bricks that made up the entire house were falling apart, making the house look dingy and old. Vines vigorously trampled up the house like snakes. Most of the neighborhood houses stood below this particular one, but seemed much nicer and well kept.

My eyes pulled away from the other houses when Shayne stepped out of the convertible and into the brick house, not saying a word or giving a glance towards me. I sat in the passenger seat of the car unsure what to do at first. Finally I stepped out of the convertible and followed the broken up path with overgrown grass between the cracks and stepped into the house.

Inside was warm with a damp, musky smell to it, the sun steaming through the uncurtained windows. The first thing that caught my eye was the black leather couch and chairs, covered with clothes, trash, and other junk. There was a pile of dishes some still smeared with leftover food that was stacked on top of an old, short coffee table. A plasma screen T.V stood at the far end of the room, the C.V.S news playing quietly to itself. The dark wooden floor seemed messy like the couch and the table as I waged deeper into the house. I turned into what was obviously the kitchen where Shayne stood her head in the tall silver fridgeratore. I planted my elbows on a tall table which was surprisingly clear. Shayne came out with a large baloney sandwich in her left hand and a beer in the other.

“I know it’s probably not the way you remember it, but its better than that crappy old hospital room,” she exclaimed slamming the bottle of beer on the table next to where my elbows laid.

“I don’t remember it,” I muttered looking down at the creases in my arms.

“Oh,” Shayne sighed. She took a swig of her beer and walked into the living room. As I stared at the sink stacked with dishes for a good long while, I thought of something thats missing. Something that a home usually had and then it struck me. Turning away from the kitchen, I saw Shayne sitting on the couch watching some type of soap opera. I took a deep breath and strode over next to her.

“Um, where’s…… Where’s Mom?” The words were heavy and difficult to get out, but I managed it. However, Shayne was silent as I stood there shaking wondering if I said the wrong thing.

“She’s gone,” Shayne finally stuttered.

“Where is she?” I asked feeling like this was a stupid question that I should already know, but didn’t.

“Dead,” was the only thing that Shayne said before I watched her take another swig of beer. She turned towards me and stared deeply into my green eyes like she was expecting me to cry or something, but I was more confused than sad.

“Did she die while I was still,” I started to stumble but couldn’t seem to push it all out this time instead I only stood there frozen to the spot, biting my lip, hopping that Shayne would get the gist of what I was trying to say.

Shayne shook her head her eyes still glued to mine. “No Alex, she died while you were in a coma.” I could tell that she was holding back tears as her face was becoming redder by the second. I knew that this was shocking news and I should be upset too, but for some reason I wasn’t feeling anything. I could no longer stand to look into Shayne’s eyes and shot mine to the floor. I wasn’t upset for my mom’s death because I couldn’t remember anything about her or the last sixteen years that we spent together. The only thing that seemed fresh in my memory was the night before the accident. The last time I saw Sam. I knew this was the wrong time to ask, but the words bobbled on my tongue trying their best to get out. As soon as I opened my mouth the words slipped out.

“Do you know where I can find Sam?” I asked Shayne, breathlessly.

She was silent for a couple minutes while I stood there bouncing up and down with impatience. “Sure, he lives right across the street house 172,” she replied.

“Thanks.” A smile spread across my colorless face and I felt my heart rise a bit. “I’m going to go speak to him for a minute and I will be back,” I told her.

“Whatever,” Shayne groaned. She took another drink and starred back at the T.V.

Unable to wait another second I dashed out the door, excitement building up on me. I remember this feeling whenever I heard or simply thought of Sam's name. It was like an overload of fireworks were exploding inside me. I darted my eyes across the street for house 172. I quickly found it, a large gray house five houses down from the house directly across the bricked one. Running to Sam’s house as quick as my long scrawny legs would go, my flip-flops smacking my heels so hard they began to bleed. By the time I reached the house, my long brown hair was a mess and my heart was pumping so hard it hurt to breath. However, I didn’t mind. The only thing I was thinking about at this exact moment was seeing my best friend in the world again. It had felt like centuries since I seen his pretty face. I calmed myself down a tiny bit by taking deep breaths before lightly hitting the doorbell.

My heart immediately sank deep beneath my chest the moment I caught glimpse of who answered the door. She had long blond hair that was now placed into a messy ponytail. She wore only a long gray T-shirt that barley reached her knees and nothing else. Like Shayne she was all bone and absolute no muscle. It was the girl that had somehow stole my boyfriends heart away from me in one night. Her lips were pressed together and her voice scaly and crude as she asked, “who are you?” I watched her blue eyes stare me up and down as my lips remained sealed and my breath short. I was so shocked I couldn’t find words that not even quite matched the ones I was thinking. “Wait a minute your Alex, aren’t you? Your Sam’s ex-girlfriend.” I couldn’t even bring my head to nod as I stared there petrified. The heat now scorching down on me as I felt a drop of sweat form from the top of my head and glide down my cheek. A pair of hands slid down to her waist skinny waist and grasped it tightly. Her head turned to a tall young man now standing behind her. He was almost bald his face paler than the sky when it’s about to rain. A cigarette hanging from his mouth. He had sparking brown eyes that I recognized as Sam’s.
Last edited by twilightxd on Mon May 11, 2009 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm going to La Push Jacob off a cliff,
and stab him with Forks!




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Sela, at y'service. ; ) I'm not here for nittynitpicks, but more sentence structure and the plot-line overall. I did see some typos and things, but a read-over and some more reviews, and you'll be good.

I felt no pain as I blinked my eyes open[s]ed[/s].


This...is a pretty weak opening, especially after the last chapter ended with her getting hit by a truck. It's also completely telling. I'd give you an example, but I'd rather you thought one up without any help; you could use the practice. Put in a little more showing. How does the hospital smell, and what's the first thing Ali sees when she wakes up? Is something huge and orange flying past her window, even though she doesn't have one? Just that sort of thing.

“Well,” she began so slow that I wanted to yell at her until I became hoarse, “after your terrible bicycle accident, you went into a coma for a year.” My brain and heart immediately jumped to conclusions.


The way Dr. Helen says this, I could see your story turning out to be a sick comedy skit, or something of that sort. However, if you actually want this to be believable, you have to make people human. Picture the scene, and think, What might a doctor say, what might he/she do if he/she had to deliver the news to a teenage girl that she'd been in a coma for a year? Right now, this bit of dialogue (among others) is entirely unbelievable. When you revise this, think human, 'kaykay?

“What are you talking about of course I can walk,” I smirked,


I know I said I wasn't here to do nittynitpicks, but this bit here bugged the jellybeans out of me. "What the hell are you talking about? Of course I can walk!" I snapped... would be (more, at least) correct. Smirking is the entirely wrong word to use, which is why I put in snapped. I don't know about most people, but I connect smirking with people who are confident, smug, unruffled, and you seemed to be implying earlier and later that that's the last thing Ali is, at the moment. Try to keep the tone the same, or else, as I said before, no one can really believe your story.

--One little note before I go on: you use exclaim a few times in this chapter in the complete wrong contexts. To exclaim is to shout/yell something, usually happily or excitedly. Please, make sure your words'll work where you intend to put them before tossing them in.--

She had long blond hair that was now placed into a messy ponytail.


Eck, another one that really annoyed me. Her long, blonde hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, would work much better.

A pair of hands slid down to her [s]waist[/s] skinny waist [s]and grasped it tightly[/s]. Her head turned to a tall young man now standing behind her. He was almost bald his face paler than the sky when it’s about to rain. A cigarette hanging from his mouth. He had sparking brown eyes that I recognized as Sam’s.


This is a really weak way to end it. Lemme try.

A pair of hands slid around her skinny waist, and she turned slightly to take in the tall man now standing behind her. His hair was cut short and messy, and his face was strangely pale. For a moment, I thought,No, it can't be Sam. And then I saw his eyes, sparkling brown as they always had been.

I'm not up to snuff at the moment, and even I admit that was a lame way to put it, but my point is that you need to leave the reader hanging, give them just enough to work it out, to realize, Whoa, it is him! without shoving it down their throats.

ALLOVER

You're missing a boatload of commas, and

She stood there waiting for me to ignolage her


'ignolage' should be 'acknowledge', besides a few other typos. But that's not what this bit of the critique is about. This is about CHARACTERS!

First-person is always hard - I should know, I've written quite a few, now - because it's very easy to just make your MC dead-boring. To interest the reader, you need to give your characters quirks, flaws, humanity. At the moment, none of yours have the least of any of the three. Yes, it's the usual story about the girl with her perfect boyfriend, and yes, they're going to a big party and yes, when she gets there he's making out with someone else. The hit-by-a-truck thing was, though a little cliche, the first shine of even slight originality I'd seen, and then you ruined that by putting her in a coma and having her miraculously not at all deformed after getting hit by a speeding vehicle.

How could you fix this up a bit? If it were my story - well, no, that won't work, I don't think I'd write like this if you threatened me with a gun. My opinion is, chuck it. Or at least severely overhaul it. I honestly can't see this going anywhere beyond her maybe finding another hot dude who she falls in love with, or her getting back together with cheater cheater pumpkin-eater Sam. Neither sound interesting or original, and I can't say I'd continue reading it if it went like that.

So save it, save Ali, save Shayne, save Sam. If you like it thus far, and don't want to entirely change the plot-line of the beginning, then at least make the rest a little more interesting. Give Ali some actual substance, maybe have her stumble into an enchanted mall where all the hamsters sing Tangled Up In Blue, and at the end of the maze she runs into a rabid werewolf that is torn between dating and eating her.

That's my advice, take it or put it through a paper-shredder. Good luck--I sincerely hope you have the imagination to fix this up.

-SELA

P.S. A good idea is to read it aloud to yourself before you post it. That way you catch sentences that don't sound right, not to mention grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes. And typos!
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest



Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres