Peace is earned

A/N- I was looking at this photo and talking to Becki about how the peace at that castle only lasted ten years before WWII. The line is from In Flanders Fields, which I believe is the poem that inspired us to wear poppies on November 11th. I wrote this poem about it all. Italisized lines are taken from In Flanders Fields,, the middle stanza. And yes, I am aware I used different line breaks than the poem.

Enjoy.

~

Peace...
such a precious
commodity
we take for
granted
far too often.

We are the Dead

Only those who
know
the hardships of
war
understand true peace.

Short days ago, we lived

Spending a moment
alone
out in open
fields
of lush grass,

felt dawn, saw sunset's glow,

A ray of
sunshine,
a single flower
blooming
without hardships

loved, and were loved,

Those moments we
take
as normal so
often
only flourish in
peace

and now we lie

Never forget that
flowers
only will grow
in soil that is
undisturbed
by war

in Flanders Fields.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:
Peace...
such a precious
commodity
we take for
granted
far too often.

We are the Dead

Only those who
know
the hardships of
war
understand true peace.

Short days ago, we lived

Spending a moment
alone
out in open
fields
of lush grass,

felt dawn, saw sunset's glow,

A ray of This whole stanza seems slightly.... off. The stanza after this somewhat explains these lines, but also leaves you wondering what they mean. I'm guessing you mean that some moments, seeing and experiencing simple things can be taken for granted, but the next stanza confuses what I thought. Could you clarify this somehow?
sunshine,
a single flower
blooming
without hardships.

loved, and were loved,

Those moments we
take
as normal so
often
only flourish in
peace.

and now we lie

Never forget that I like this ending.
flowers
only will grow
in soil that is
undisturbed
by war.

in Flanders Fields.

First review on this. Here goes! Right off the bat, this spacing is a little odd. The first few stanzas seemed slightly choppy, but as the poem progressed, the short line breaks flowed better and it worked well. There was just one stanza that seemed weird to me, and I'm not sure if I explained properly what was wrong with it, so if you have no idea what I was talking about and everyone else gets it, then don't mind that comment. You had a few missing periods, but other than that, your punctuation and grammar and such were fine. This poem is good, and I have few critiques against it, but the style didn't really work for me. Good poem, just not to my taste. Keep writing!

Rosey! *tacklehugglomps*

Okay, In Flanders Fields is one of my very favorite poems! Yay! And I love how you inserted it in there; usually I'd stay away from that, but it works here, so kudos. And I love this concept. It's so true. That said:

Peace...
understand true peace.
only flourish in/peace

the hardships of
blooming/without hardships

Because this poem's structure (or lack of) has the words so sparsely scattered, each one has to count even more. I mean, each word should smash the reader in the face, especially in a poem that's about war and peace and death and flowers. So I think you should be a bit more specific here. EG, you talk about the hardships of war; what hardships? Fear? Seeing your loved ones die? Starvation? etc. Not too specific - you want to keep your tone, so it still matches with the In Flanders Fields poem, but enough so that we're not just nodding our heads and going yeah, yeah, whatever.

Basically, the concepts of peace and war are too abstract in and of themselves and they need to be anchored by objects and images, if that makes sense. John Macrae did this - in the stanza you included, he talks about 'we lived and saw the sun glow' which is a vivid image. The last stanza with the flowers was a nice idea until you said 'undisturbed by war' which takes it right back into abstraction - I'd have rather it said something like footprints, something that could suggest war but doesn't just drop it in, out of the blue.

/two cents.


-Mars

You've chosen a beautiful subject matter for your poem, dear and I love the almost ghostly feel that laying your poem sort of over the top of this other one has but it needs work. At the moment, I think it reads too much like prose and it lacks strong imagery. I'd advise that you either simplify it further and in doing so reflect the very simple but effective words that have inspired you or take it up another level and contrast the simple lines with more complex, deeper insights into what they only start to expand on. The second option is of course harder but it's worth a try! Here's a few tips on how you might achieve that and some general advice on the lines of your poem:

Peace...
such a precious
commodity
we take for
granted
far too often. [This is nice but it's nothing that hasn't been said a thousand times before. Why should we listen this time? You need more than to just tell us this, you have to show us that peace is beautiful but people pass it by. It might be cool to try and write this with a family who have lost a loved one to war in mind. Poetry that has a story behind it is often much easier to relate to and better remembered.]

We are the Dead

Only those who
know
the hardships of
war
understand true peace. [It sounds good but is it true? Of course not. Be realistic when you write sincere poetry. Don't exaggerate so greatly.]

Short days ago, we lived

Spending a moment
alone
out in open
fields
of lush grass, [Pick something more original as your moment, something that's going to make a greater impact and that's more personal. If the reader feels they are getting to know your narrator/ character, they will care more.]

felt dawn, saw sunset's glow,

A ray of
sunshine,
a single flower
blooming
without hardships [Basically the same comment as above. I'd love to see something of a metaphorical sense of sunset here. Like sunset's glow makes me think of seeing the start of the end, the flame of an approaching meteor, the trail of a bullet's path.]

loved, and were loved,

Those moments we
take
as normal so
often
only flourish in
peace [I like what you're saying here and the use of flourish is good.]

and now we lie

Never forget that
flowers
only will grow
in soil that is
undisturbed
by war [I do love your ending. Relating to the flowers is a good idea and it brings it to a very smooth close.]

in Flanders Fields.

What you have here is nice and as I said, I really do like that ghostly feel it has but I would like to see you make it better =) If you change anything, I'd be glad to take another look,

Heather xx

Thanks all!

Ah yes, I do see what you mean about the repetition and plainness. I'll work on that a bit more.

And I think I will expand on each of those lines. See what I can do with them. ^_^

Thanks again!

~Rosey

Rosey,

I've been away from poetry for so long, it feels weird to get back into the habit of reviewing, but nevertheless, I shall do my best! That rhymed. Sort of. Anyway. I'm a huge culprit of this thing, and it really kills poetry sometimes. It's using plain words. Someone already pointed this out, but I feel it necessary to repeat it. I don't really feel this poem like the way I would some other poems. Why? Because there isn't anything in here that really strikes a chord in my heart, that feels like you've taken hold of my bones, and are squeezing them.

Poetry is often read carefully, word by word. When writing poetry, you must pick each and every single word carefully. Every single word that is included in this poem must be selected with caution, and it must make it feel right. This poem doesn't feel right.

I'm not diggin' the first line with the ellipse. It strikes me at a weird angle, partly because of the incredibly short lines that you have going here. Poetry is like dessert: if it looks good, it is good. Short, choppy line breaks doesn't look so good, thus me not wanting to take a second helping.

I think I've covered everything that stuck out to me. It's a really pretty poem, and I hope you continue to work on it and make it better. Best of luck,

Jared