One Person Can Change Your Life

Together are we, lives entwined
Holding is me, torn inside
Fighting myself, screaming inside

Love me? The monster that i am?
Confused inside, fighting still
Mirrors are my enemy

Talking is me, food untouched growing cold
Distracted is you and comfort comes
Noticing the plate, but doesn't ask

Lying awake alone in my bed
The blook red moon shines, accusing
You don't know, you won't know - hiding

My body must I reform
Each day I get closer to my set goal
Then knowing, you'll love me

Another day I'll spend with you
Noticing my smaller figure - upset
Confused - taking the comment as a compliment

The world stops spinning
Pitch black, slipping under
Background concern and commotion, can't hear

Now in a black abyss
Ghosts haunting me, screaming
Crying alone, lost and confused

Feeling a hand on my shoulder
Seeing the light - reaching
Hearing a voice, that beautiful familiar voice

Waking up, strange smell and place
He's there holding my hand, crying
A nurse I see, fixing an iv. mine i see

Explainations and a conversation
I explain - broken and embarassed
He worries and is confused

Loves me the way i am
I don't understand
Loves me the way i am - running through my head

Recovery and encouragement is what i get
Got a ways to go - rebuilding what I lost
I can do it - he loves me the way i am

emoxxxangel93 wrote:Together are we, lives entwined
Holding is me, dead weight This totally kills the flow of the first line.
Fighting myself, screaming inside

Love me? The monster that I am?
Confused inside, fighting still
Mirrors are my enemy
This is all rather simplistic, not bad though.

Talking is me, food untouched growing cold
Distracted is you, and comfort comes
Noticing the plate, doesn't ask but pays the bill I don't really like how this feels with the rest of the piece. The mix of heavy metaphors and common place happenings, like paying the bill, is odd.

Lying awake dead alone in my bed Huh?
The blood red moon shines, accusing
You don't know, you won't know - hiding

My body must I reform
Each day I get closer to my set goal
Then knowing, you'll love me

Another day I'll spend with you
Noticing my smaller figure - upset
Confused - taking the comment as a compliment

The world stops spinning
Pitch black, slipping under
Background concern and commotion, can't hear

Now in a black abyss
Ghosts haunting me, screaming
Crying alone, lost and confused

Feeling a hand on my shoulder
Seeing the light - reaching
Hearing a voice, that beautiful familiar voice

This is all good.

Waking up, strange smell and place
He's there holding my hand - crying
A nurse I see, fixing an iv-mine i see
I'm not so sure I like the dashes.

Explanations and a conversation
I explain - broken and embarrassed
He worries and is confused

Loves me the way i am
I don't understand
Loves me the way i am - running through my head

Recovery and encouragement is what i get
Got a ways to go - rebuilding what I lost
I can do it - he loves me the way i am

Overall, it's alright. There were a few spelling issues, but it wasn't a huge problem.
: D
G'luck continuing writing! I hope to see more from you.

I love this! ^o^ its really good! I hope to see more from you

Hey! How're you today? I'm going to call you Xangel, because we already have a couple of members named/nicknamed Angel on the site. Is that alright? *loves nicknames*

Okay, so. I'm going to go through some general rules of thumb in poetry (which don't necessarily have to be followed, but are often taken into consideration) since you're pretty new to the poetry scene.

Punctuation and Capitaliztion

First of all, before I go crazy-- you cannot write lowercase i. Alright? In anything, not just poetry. This is something that, unless you fix it now, everyone on this site (and everyone in the rest of the world) is going to harrass you about until you start remembering to capitalize. So let's not let any bad habits start forming, hmm?

Also, as for the regular old punctuation. Now, normally I tell everyone to punctuate your poems just like a normal sentence would be punctuated. Now, of course, this is simply one of the many options for punctuation within poetry, but I find that it's the one option that is best for most poems out there.

There are exceptions. This poem of yours is one of them.

Alright, so this is written mainly stream-of-consciousness, so there aren't real sentences in here. There are lots of line fragments, and that isn't a bad thing; it just makes punctuation and capitalization more difficult. I'd suggest definately putting a period at the end of each stanza. (Stanza = poetic paragraph, just in case you didn't know. ) That way you'll have at least that full stop. But then, what about everything else?

I think you're doing well with your commas, so just keep going with that. Make sure though to add those periods at the end of the few full, complete sentences you do have.

Weird Phrasing

Holding is me [holding onto what?]

Talking is me Try: I am talking.

Distracted is you Try: You are distracted.

My body must I reform I actually liked the phrasing in this one.

Now, I have a question. Is English your first language? I ask only because you've done something a little different with your subject and verb placement here. Let's take the first example I see.

Together are we

Normally, this would be phrased:

We are together.

Is there any certain reason you do this throughout the poem? It's a little jarring, to be honest. Something about switching up your predicate placement makes the line seem forced. This was either stylistic choice, in which that makes it a bit better, or a grammatical error, in which you should PM me and I'll help you with anything you need to know!

So, all and all, I think some of those backwards sentences can work and be effective, but having all of them like you have here is a bit overwhelming. I think you can keep one or two, but change the others back to sound more natural.

Altogether, I think the best part was that your meaning was so clear without you having to spell it out for us. It was about a girl with anorexia, or some eating disorder, who was saved by someone who loved her convincing her she didn't need to change herself so drastically. It was wonderful, because you didn't say 'I don't want to eat because he won't love me since I'll be fat'. You alluded to your meaning without being blatantly obvious. This is good.

However, I could have used some more imagery. This is more narrative poetry, or even Lyric, than Dramatic (the forum you pisted it under) but don't worry. That's fine. I think you can throw in a bit more similes and metaphors in order to make your point even more relatable. Describe how the girl makes the decisions of what she's doing. Is she happy about her 'progress'? Does she still think she needs to be smaller, skinnier, better?

All and all, this could definately use some fattening up with imagery and analogies and emotion, but I think you have a concrete, really good start to work with.

~Evi

Hiya!

Rhymes: You're a bit inconsistent with your rhymes here. The first stanza rhymes, along with a handful of stanzas in here, along with some random lines, and it can throw somebody who's gotten used to reading an unrhymed poem.

Limitations: I find you're limiting this poem with the four-line stanzas. Sometimes it feels like you're missing a line and haven't added it in because it would mess-up the structure. I'd play around with making stanzas of varying lengths. ^_^

Meaning: This is such a deep meaning; at the surface but subtle at the same time. How you shouldn't let a person make the choices of what you look like. They might have liked you better before.

Punctuation/grammar: I find that the uncapitalized "I"s here make things a bit harder to read. Please make them uppercase. ^_^

Overall: The issues I pointed out are minor, and I found this to be such a beautiful poem. I'm surprised it's your first!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey