-Inconcessus- Eleven

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Another chapter and another twist. Hope you enjoy it =]

Happy Reading!

________________________

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The boy seemed just as startled as I was, his eyes probing mine, brow scrunched as if he was thinking hard. I struggled to come up with a name to match the face. I hadn’t thought that I would ever see him again, but here he was, standing conspicuously in front of me.
I couldn’t help but notice that he was clothed in average attire: a light blue polo and dark jeans. His skin was a dark tan, as if he had been painted with the bronze color of the afternoon sun. His mouth crinkled upwards in a friendly smile, and I noticed slight indentations in both of his cheeks that emphasized his surprisingly… appealing countenance.
I also couldn’t ignore that at his sudden appearance, my senses were screaming at me to run. I tried to disregard them but it was hard when they were practically yelling in one’s ear. Something about his soft eyes, something in those arched brows, and ingenuous smile that made me take a step back.
Nate brought both of our attentions back to him. “Isaac, I’m glad you’re here to see me off.”
Isaac’s smile grew and he faced Nate. That’s when I noticed that he had a few magazines in hand along with a fresh water bottle. “I just came up to give you these,”—he outstretched his hands to show him his pile of goods—“But I see that you don’t need these anymore.” Dumping them onto the counter, Isaac eyes fleetingly rested on me before returning back to Nate.
“Sorry about that. If I could have, I would have warned you.”
“I know.” Isaac’s gaze landed on his arm, free of the cast. My eyes widened and I glanced frantically at Nate, but he didn’t seem to notice and shrugged.
“Miracle, doctor said. Completely healed. I don’t know what schooling these guys get, but it was obvious my arm wasn’t broken.”
Isaac nodded in agreement, as if they had discussed items on this topic before, and I suddenly felt cut off from them. That was partly why I moved pointedly towards the door, hoping to speed up this rather uncomfortable meeting—for me at least.
Nate narrowed his eyes at me while Isaac twisted to face me. “Isaac, this is my—“
“Cousin. Sophia Hunt,” I cut in, saving Nate from saying something stupid. I held out my hand, and Isaac grasped it.
I would have been obtuse not to acknowledge the sharp shocks of warmth that swathed my hand and forearm or the volts of electricity that perforated my skin. Isaac must have felt it too for he quickly pulled away from me, rubbing his hand with an inquisitive, momentary look my way.
This event frightened me.
That had never happened, not once, to me. I had never touched a human and had been forced away by the feel of his skin. Alarms went off in my head as I recalled the feel of his skin. It hadn’t felt… human. It was like layers of silk were covering it. It was the softest texture I had ever felt, making me feel even more edgy. I didn’t have time to sit and dwell on it, though, for the boy’s next question was directed at me.
“I’m sorry, but, you look strangely familiar. Do I know you?” I could hear it in his tone—he was testing me. I should have known that he wouldn’t have forgotten our last encounter, however confusing it had been. I knew that my answer solely relied on how we would leave here. If I said no, he would challenge me on it, pointing out to Nate that I was a liar. If I said yes, it would bring up questions that I wouldn’t be afraid to answer, but not in front of him, which I knew he would make me do.
“It would seem so,” I said enigmatically, making the boy smile softly, as if he knew what I was aiming for. I knew that I had been imperceptible in my answer, leaving it open for further discussion if he should have pursued it, which I hoped he wouldn’t.
“I guess so,” he finally murmured after a moments pause, making me sigh with relief. Our eyes locked.
With so many other humans before him, I had easily overpowered them with a bat of my lashes and a coaxing smile. Their guard was weak, their armor thin. It was just too easy.
But with this boy—this annoying, overly curious boy—I didn’t.
Instead, we just met gazes, as though meeting for the first time. His eyes were so soft, I knew that with one powerful shove, I could enter his mind. And yet I held back. Instead, I just enjoyed his eyes, their gentle blue fading to an ocean green near the pupil on closer inspection. The boy laughed softly, as if we where sharing some secret joke between the two of us. My ears picked up the sound with unintentional stimulation. It was a sound that brought a smile to my lips, a lightness to my stomach. It was a buoyant, tranquil resonance, as if the boy had no worries. His mouth opened with unguarded ease, his eyes sparkled. It seemed to brighten up his whole face.
And then it faded and so did the smile around my lips and the weightlessness in my stomach. It was almost like it was never there.
“Well, we better go, aye, coz?” Nate bumped me with his elbow, the end digging sharply into my sore ribs, jerking me back with a wince.
“Yeah, right,” I mumbled, eyes locked on my shoes. I was so stupid to even let this human boy catch my attention. What would he be to me? Nothing but a distraction that I certainly didn’t need. I had enough trouble with humans and my blood lust to be too interested in one individually.
Then, yet another disturbance entered the room by means of a motherly voice and a stern hand. “Nathan! Heavens, what are you doing out of bed! And with your cast off?”
The three of us rotated around to meet a woman barely five-feet tall with a robust figure and light blonde hair pulled back into a loose pony. Her eyes were identical to Isaac’s.
“Mrs. Ligaroti,” Nate greeted, smiling sheepishly. “I’m being released.”
“By whose orders?” The woman was instantly dubious.
“My cousin, Sophia, has sprung me.” Nate winked, and the woman’s anger appeared to vanish. She smiled at him, and the way it lit up her whole face reminded me of her son’s.
“Well, I’m glad someone has come for you.” She spun then to face me. “And you must be Sophia.”
I nodded in confirmation, and the woman shook my hand, her clammy palm making me grimace. “I’m sorry that I didn’t inform anyone sooner, but Nate must come home today. We’ve been terribly worried,” I told her, thinking quickly as I spoke. Nate peeked over at me with amusement.
“I bet you have. This boy’s been through a lot.” Mrs. Ligaroti patted Nate affectionately on the cheek.
“But I understand that we have to get permission from a doctor…”
“Oh, posh!” She waved her hand. “I’ll handle those doctors. You just take good care of him, you hear?”
“Of course, ma’am.” I felt like jumping. We were getting Nate out of the hospital, out of the humans’ hands.
He was coming home.
“Thank you again, Mrs. Ligaroti and Isaac. You both have been such good company for me.”
“Don’t mention it, dear.” Mrs. Ligaroti beamed at us.
Isaac just shrugged off the comment with a modest smile. “No problem, Nate.”
“If you hadn’t found me in that snow bank, Isaac, I don’t know what I would have done.”
Isaac shrugged again, and I found myself openly staring at him. Isaac had been the one to find Nate? Questions were bouncing wildly off of the walls of my mind and I struggled to think clearly. “Please, seek us out if you ever wanna talk,” Isaac continued, his eyes landing on my form again. “Nice to meet you, Sophia.” The way he said my name made me think that this wasn’t over. I had a feeling I would meet Isaac again, and in the most unusual way.
Finally, we were able to escape the stuffy hospital room, Nate fully dressed and ready to depart. We weren’t bothered as we left and when Nate stepped through doors, he was engulfed by Randy who hugged him tightly. The rest patted him on the back and welcomed him zealously.
I was too busy staring at the hospital, something nagging at the back of my mind. I struggled to bring it to the surface but when it did, I shivered with unease.
Isaac had had pointed teeth.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash!

You don't know how excited I am to read this!
I hadn’t thought that I would ever see him again, but here he was, standing conspicuously in front of me.


I'm not liking the word 'conspicuously' I think 'right in front of me' would work better. Though it's simple it gets the job done.
“Cousin. Sophia Hunt,” I cut in, saving Nate from saying something stupid. I held out my hand, and Isaac grasped it.


Before this point, to me, it seemed like Sophia was a little scared. The way she was backing away and all, so it surprised me that she was so bold and extended her hand out, especially with her past of losing control with humans. Plus, knowing Isaac's character, I think it would be him who extends his hand forward. And wouldn't he recognize her? Well, I'm going to keep reading to find out.

That had never happened, not once, to me.


I think this sentence can be nixed.

I had never touched a human and had been forced away by the feel of his skin. Alarms went off in my head as I recalled the feel of his skin.


Sorry if I'm being really nit-picky the repetition of 'feel of his skin' bothers me. Also, now that I reread this first sentence, it seems like it's worded weirdly. And I am not sure how to reword them but maybe you could cut down on some words and merge the two sentences?
“I’m sorry, but, you look strangely familiar. Do I know you?”


Ignore my ramblings from before.
Isaac had had pointed teeth.


Darn it! Why the cliffhanger? But this cliffhanger is amazingly good and I really am thirsting for the next chapter.

Overall I don't think this was the best chapter in style but in content it was perfect. Just work on the beginning and you'll be fine.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Dang it! I'm getting slow. Well, Angel's done all the nit-picking, so I'll do . . . the other stuff. Whatever it's called. :lol:

Description: I didn't see much description in this chapter, other than Isaac's appearance at the beginning, but that didn't bother me. I was too caught up in the story to bother with details. In fact, I think they would have hindered instead of helped in this case. :)

The only thing I have a problem with is this paragraph:

I couldn’t help but notice that he was clothed in average attire: a light blue polo and dark jeans. His skin was a dark tan, as if he had been painted with the bronze color of the afternoon sun. His mouth crinkled upwards in a friendly smile, and I noticed slight indentations in both of his cheeks that emphasized his surprisingly… appealing countenance.


First of all: why would he be wearing anything but average attire? I mean, the description of his clothing is good, but when you put it like that, it seems like Sophia was expecting a silver space suit or something weird. Maybe just say, "I couldn't help noticing his light blue polo and dark jeans, which amazingly set off his face." Or something. :)

Second: (Don't think I'm a control freak or something) This stuck out to me: "His skin was a dark tan, as if he had been painted with the bronze color of the afternoon sun." The afternoon sun is not a bronze color. It's the same blinding white as it is during every other hour of the day. So I would put: "His skin was a dark tan, like he had been painted the bronze color by the afternoon sun."

Plot line/Dialogue: Great job. I liked the way Nate and Isaac interacted, and the way Sophia was freaked out by Isaac's sudden appearance in the room. But I agree with Angel: if she was so scared by him, she shouldn't be so inclined to shake hands with him. And yet it is important to have them touch, so I would say that she held out her hand hesitantly after a few heart-pounding moments, you know?

Also, there is a time in there where Isaac wonders if he knows Sophia, and she says, "It would seem so," and then Isaac comes right back with, "I guess so." And then there's an awkward silence between the three of them. Didn't really work for me. I can't say why it bugs me, but . . . I'd just try to reword that whole section.

OVERALL: You are KILLING me! That cliffhanger was a) totally unexpected and shocking, and b) completely annoying! But in a good way, you understand. I'm just so excited for the next chapter, and I was expecting Isaac to be . . . such a mystery. Great work, Ash. :wink:

PM me when you post chapter 12!

~Sunny
Last edited by 200397 on Mon Mar 30, 2009 12:24 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Well, there's not been much left for me to say... except why did it end????????? You really do know how to work a cliff-hanger. If this was a published novel, I would be still be up at midnight reading it!! I can't wait for the next chapter, Ash, and congratualtions on another great chapter!!
Ooh, just one little thing I'd like to point out and that is be careful not to rush. As I was nearing the end of the chapter it seemed a little rushed, as though you were excited to get us to the end and your amazing (but annoying =P ) cliffhanger. I'd just watch out for that =D.

Keep writing!!
--Lucy-lu xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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Sunny, Lucy, and Angel:

You guys are so great. Every chapter I post, you are all three here for me, ready to review. I always thank you guys and here I am again.

THANK YOU! YOU GUYS ROCK!

I really am taking all of your comments into account and hopefully will be going back and editing it soon. Just so you all know, I am now at over 50 pages with it total :D

Thanks again,

~ashley
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash.

Oh God. is Issac a vampire???? Tell me! :cries: tell me, i beg you!

Nate! :squeals like a edward cullen fangirl: He is my fav. so far.

You have to pm me when you post a new chapter. Please.

I can't say anything more about this chapter. It was awesome.

see ya around.

Bri.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Woo-hoo! Way to go Ashley!!!

Fifty pages! Isn't it a great feeling when you find out your story is actually going somewhere? Congrats, and keep going! We're all here to read what you write! (And kill you if you stop. 8) Just kidding. :lol: )

~Sunny




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I am SOOO sorry, but this is one of those worthless "I loved it comments!!! <33"
Aside from the evil cliffhanger (I say evil because I'm totally hooked now thanks to it.) I think it's wonderful!!!
I went back and read all of the other chapters and the preface, and the preface seemed kind of "Twilight-ish", but when I read the first chapter it took a totally different turn. I love the way how you put all this together. Like... you make the story seem almost believable (for lack of a better term).
Keep writing PLEASE!!! That cliffhanger is driving me nuts!!!! Dx

-patiently waiting for 12th chapter-
(okay maybe not patiently)
~Rhiannon
----
If you can't dazzle the world with your knowledge, Then baffle them with your bullshit.




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Pointed? Teeth? but. he. was. human.
plot twist alert! plot twist alert!
hahaha.
awesome. More conflict, i assume?
I just have to read on, I just have to.
and i will be extremely sad when i have to more to read, by the way.
so get to writing...like now!!!!


off i go
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit

I also couldn’t ignore that at his sudden appearance, my senses were screaming at me to run. I tried to disregard them, but it was hard when they were practically yelling in one’s ear. Something about his soft eyes, something in those arched brows, and ingenuous smile that made me take a step back.

I would have been obtuse not to acknowledge the sharp shocks of warmth that swathed my hand and forearm or the volts of electricity that perforated my skin. Isaac must have felt it, too, for he quickly pulled away from me, rubbing his hand with an inquisitive, momentary look my way. [/spoiler]

Dang... now I'm really curious as to where you're going with this.
I really like the tension between Isaac and Sophia... it's just the way one likes to see a relationship grow - through the little moments and whatnot. Very nicely done.
If it isn't obvious, you have a really good way of keeping one glued to the screen and wanting to keep reading. I've said it before, but I'll just say it again... your description and imagery are simply amazing, always make me feel like I'm there, and I know exactly what it is that surrounds me. One thing that did confuse me was you said Isaac's skin was tan, but for some reason I could've sworn it was white. May have just been a misreading on my part in previous chapters, but just thought I'd point it out.

And since I've got untold amounts of time on my hands because of the dear influenza, I will now go and read the rest. Yay.

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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“Please, seek us out if you ever wanna talk,”

This just doesn't sit well with me for some reason. But it's the only thing that I saw was wrong. =)
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly