The girl

Insany takes over when you have nothing to believe in, I wanted to write something very rough and different to my usual style, something you would have to really think about when reading, something with meaning:


Alone she sat in an empty room. She didn’t have a name; she had given it up when she sat on the floor that she was now chained to. Her thoughts were inconclusive and she silently mouthed broken sentences that came to her mind. She had sat there for a long time but she couldn’t say exactly how long. She hadn’t seen daylight in long and her skin was pale as the petals of a lily though this she did not know. No one spoke to her, she didn’t speak to anyone, she didn’t want to speak. She was unique, she knew it, yet there she sat as days went by in a sealed room, isolated room, all alone. The white walls seemed to close in on her and she was frightened to go near them fearing they would fall on her. The walls were blank and there was no vision to the outside world, no connection to the rush of the city, the room had been silent for a long time. There was a door that led to the room, but no one ever entered. Only through a small hatch in the door did a pair of hands put in a tray filled with food, a can of water, and hygiene supplies, at certain moments. She had counted them, the seconds of a minute, the minutes of an hour and the hours needed for a day. Once she knew it was of no point counting and counting she stopped. From the meals she did not eat, she only each time took the knife, the can of water and the towel meant for cleaning herself. She never sat facing the door; she always sat knees crossed facing the opposite wall of the door. When she heard the hatch open she would stand up and get her supplies then return to her post.

I knew I was unique, I was special, I was mature and intelligent. My thoughts rushed at an amazing speed. I had lost my voice since I never spoke. I wasn’t lonely, neither was I bored, I was just exhausted. I hadn’t slept since I had entered the room, I never ate either, I just waited and thought of life. Life was unfair. Life was unhappy. Life wasn’t worth living. I wanted to escape, I wanted away from the pain I felt inside. The world treated me wrong. Our whole society is a cliché. They lock me up, they lock up justice. I have no right for free speech; I am just one of the millions of puppets of monarchs, of government and of law. We are only allowed to see what they want us to. We are worthless, we are controlled. I sat here, in this dull, white, soft room thinking of this all day, for a lifetime, for that is what this time felt like. I knew I was torn apart, I knew it wasn’t worth living. I had once been like the others, I had once believed in what I was told. Now I only believed myself. I still had a small voice inside me saying I’ve lost my mind, but in just a matter of seconds I forgot it. I was free. I was free of the chains that were once laid upon me, free of the pressure I was under still very recently.

The girl’s eyes, which had once glistened with a sane and vivid light, suddenly went blank. The torch of sanity blew out and made her lose control. A sweet smile rose to her bony cheeks and bloody red lips. She stood up and the last word she would ever say came out of her mouth that had once always had a vague smile upon it. The silent words which she whispered weren’t heard by anyone, but they broke the silence of the room and felt like an earthquake. ”In the end we all must go”

I grabbed the can of water and poured it on the towel I had on my lap. I tied the towel tightly around my head so it covered my mouth and nose entirely. I wanted to be sure I would succeed; I did not want to live here. I grabbed the knife I had sharpened with the other knives lying around me. It was as sharp as my mind had once been. I hadn’t breathed in a few minutes now I was ready. I raised the knife slowly and dramatically, though no one was there to see my act. Now, I stabbed the knife through my throat, as I swallowed for the last time. I felt nothing, only a dark, cold veil covering my skin. I was unique, I was special, yet there I lay - soon to be a corpse with nothing to give. I had given this world all I could. I felt my heart stop beating and the last of my intellectuality run out of me. I was no longer there.

She lay on the floor and her once beautiful face was without impression. Thick, red blood ran from the cut in the girl’s neck, as her body lay numb and ever so silent. That empty room was the only one to witness, the death of, the girl.

felt like an earthquake: ”In the end we all must go”

Felt like an earthquake to whom? You might want to just make it so that the words were like an earthquake rather than feeling like an earthquake.

the death of, the girl.

The comma makes it flow less.


Otherwise, I thought it was great.There is some confusion when you shift from first person to third person, so you might want to put some break in between the paragraphs in order to show that it's intentional. Either that or you could put one in italics and the other in regular, like Faulkner tends to do.
Also, if you play a little bit more with your imagery, I think you could make it a lot more provocative and stuff.

pusu_kala wrote:Insany Insanity takes over when you have nothing to believe in, I wanted to write something very rough and different to my usual style, something you would have to really think about when reading, something with meaning:


Alone she sat in an empty room. She didn’t have a name; she had given it up when she sat on the floor that she was now chained to. Her thoughts were inconclusive and she silently mouthed broken sentences that came to her mind. She had sat there for a long time but she couldn’t say exactly how long. She hadn’t seen daylight in long in a long time and her skin was pale as the petals of a lily though this she did not know. No one spoke to her, she didn’t speak to anyone Maybe it would better to write it as: "No one came to speak to her." because being in an empty room would already imply solitude and absence of a companion, she didn’t want to speak. She was unique Where's the connection of her uniqueness to this current predicament?, she knew it, yet there she sat as days went by in a sealed room, isolated room, all alone. You've briefly described the room's empty loneliness, so try to put them in one paragraph or something, to avoid redundancy or dragging the story too long The white walls seemed to close in on her and she was frightened to go near them fearing they would fall on her. The walls were blank Your previous sentence began with 'the walls', try not to repeat it, because it sounds a bit repetitive and boring. White walls are essentially blank walls, if you described it to have nothing on them. Keep your descriptions of this none too significant object in the same sentence, and her feelings towards them and stuff in a separate sentence if possible, or you'd be jumping around too much and there was no vision to the outside world There was no view of the outside world, no connection to the rush of the city This sentence is a bit weirdly phrased. It would be better to use 'sound' instead of 'connection', I think, the room had been silent for a long time. There was a door that led to the room, but no one ever entered. Only through a small hatch in the door did a pair of hands put in a tray filled with food, a can of water, and hygiene supplies, at certain moments. She had counted them, the seconds of a minute, the minutes of an hour and the hours needed for a day. Once she knew it was of Once she knew there was no point in counting no point counting and counting she stopped. From the meals she did not eat How does she survive then, without food?, she only each time took the knife, the can of water and the towel meant for cleaning herself. She never sat facing the door; she always sat knees crossed comma facing the opposite wall of the door. When she heard the hatch open she would stand up and get her supplies then return to her post. So what did she do with the stuff before she heard the hatch open? And what's that bit about 'returning to her post' mean? Doesn't she already have the supplies?

Also, you should separate this paragraph into more paragraphs so that it isn't tiring to read, and your points in the story can be better organised.

I knew I was unique, I was special, I was mature and intelligent. My thoughts rushed at an amazing speed. I had lost my voice since I never spoke. I wasn’t lonely, neither was I bored, I was just exhausted. I hadn’t slept since I had entered the room, I never ate either, I just waited and thought of life. Life was unfair. Life was unhappy. Life wasn’t worth living. I wanted to escape, I wanted To run away from? away from the pain I felt inside. The world treated me wrong. Our whole society is a cliché. They lock me up, they lock up justice. I have no right for free speech I had no freedom of speech; I am just one of the millions of puppets of monarchs, of government and of law. We are only allowed to see what they want us to. We are worthless, we are controlled. I sat here I sat in this dull white room, in this dull, white, soft Soft? How so? room thinking of this all day, for a lifetime, for that is what this time felt like. I knew I was torn apart, I knew it wasn’t worth living. I had once been like the others, I had once believed in what I was told. Now I only believed myself. I still had a small voice inside me saying I’ve lost my mind, but in just a matter of seconds I forgot it. I was free. I was free of the chains that were once laid upon me, free of the pressure I was under still very recently.

You're switching tenses here. You used majority of past tense previously but now you've started using present tense. Be careful 'bout that

This first sentence of the paragraph has become a third person's point of view, which is inconsistent with the rest of the story.
The girl’s eyes, which had once glistened with a sane and vivid light, suddenly went blank. The torch of sanity blew out and made her lose control. A sweet smile rose to her bony cheeks and bloody red lips She's not in the pink of health, so a nice, deep colour in her lips isn't really realistic, unless she caused her lips were really bleeding, then you'd need an explanation for that. I'd have expected chalky white/pale and bloodless kind of lips. She stood up and the last word she would ever say came out of her mouth that had once always had a vague smile upon it A constant vague smile from a girl who is unwell both mentally and physically doesn't really strike me as entirely plausible. The silent words which she whispered weren’t heard by anyone, but they broke the silence of the room and felt like an earthquake. ”In the end we all must go" You'll need a comma after the 'go' and put this as a paragraph on its own, since its a dialogue, and it'd look more effective.

I grabbed the can of water and poured it on the towel I had on my lap. I tied the towel tightly around my head so it covered my mouth and nose entirely. I wanted to be sure I would succeed; I did not want to live here. I grabbed the knife I had sharpened with the other knives lying around me Hmm, you didn't describe this knife-sharpening business at first. Wouldn't her captors notice the cutlery to be missing? Especially if she's in some sort of a cell. It was as sharp as my mind had once been. I hadn’t breathed in a few minutes now I was ready. I raised the knife slowly and dramatically, though no one was there to see my act. Now, I stabbed the knife through my throat, as I swallowed for the last time. I felt nothing, only a dark, cold veil covering my skin. I was unique, I was special, yet there I lay - soon to be a corpse with nothing to give. I had given this world all I could. I felt my heart stop beating and the last of my intellectuality Technically, intelligence doesn't really run out of you in death. Normally we'd describe the life leaving a dying person run out of me. I was no longer there.

She lay on the floor and her once beautiful face was without impression. Thick, red blood ran from the cut in the girl’s neck, as her body lay numb and ever so silent. That empty room was the only one to witness, the death of, the girl.

Again, third person's point of view. You're trying to achieve a somewhat dramatic ending, I think. But it doesn't flow with the previous paragraph. Impression should also be replaced with 'expression'. Though, I'd rather you give her an expression on her face. It seems more realistic to me. Like a bitter smile; Happy to be freed from suffering, sad for having had a painful life. Something like that. It's also not really a 'cut', since she stabbed herself. Its more of a puncture wound, and remember that the knife is still stuck in her throat. One of the two commas in the last sentence can be removed.

One thing I noticed here, is that you stress quite a fair bit on the girl's intelligence. How does that set her apart as unique? Intelligence isn't really unique. And bringing it up repeatedly does give the girl a slight air of arrogance. The cruel world you described surrounding the girl was a bit vague and confusing.

Another point, the title is a bit...bland. I can see why you'd title it that way, but it's still a tad bland. Perhaps you can try something else, though I have no suggestions as of the moment.
This piece would suit the Other Fiction forum better, considering that this isn't exactly a personal experience, or and experience of someone you know. The girl has no name, which is strange. The feelings might be true, but the scene you've painted out, isn't. Normally, non-fiction doesn't really use any allusions. It is told as it really is. The value of realism here is decreased because you describe a rather unusual, and not entirely believable setting for a Non-Fiction piece.

I can get a general impression of this story, but I can't exactly focus in on one particular aspect or theme. Suicide maybe, since she killed herself. Hopelessness also. But oppression of the government...are you really experiencing that?

If I look at this as an Other Fiction work, I'd say its not bad,
But I felt that you dragged it a bit too long because of some emphasising which becomes somewhat superfluous. You also have to be clearer with what you're describing because it left me with a few question marks in my head XD

Still, keep writing because you have the passion for it, but not necessarily the skill (Not that I'm saying you don't) After all, you mentioned this writing style is out of your comfort zone, so just keep practising and you'll improve
Otherwise, stick to poetry 'cause you're really good at that.
I hope I've helped.

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:

Hi You were right, this is definitely a story that makes you think, I don't know if 'enjoyed' is the right word to use- but I thought this was a brilliant piece

She didn’t have a name; she had given it up when she sat on the floor that she was now chained to.

I'm not sure about saying she gave up the name when she sat on the floor as it makes it sound kind of voluntary, I'd maybe rephrase this to show she was forced into the room and to sit on the floor. Something like 'she had given it up when they had thrown her to the floor she was now chained to.' would better show how she was imprisoned there.

She had sat there for a long time but she couldn’t say exactly how long. She hadn’t seen daylight in long and her skin was pale as the petals of a lily though this she did not know.

You repeat 'long' here a few times, I'd maybe replace one or two with something else. For instance the first sentence could be rewritten like this- 'She had sat there for a long time- the exact amount though she could not say.'
The second sentence sounded a bit awkward to me, why does she not know? Can she not see? You didn't mention about the room being dark so I would have thought there would have been some light to see by- especially as she is able to retrieve what is given through the hatch. Maybe you could mention about the light being too dim to see properly by or something like that to explain this.
I think you could rephrase it anyway to leave out long as you can kind of presume that she wouldn't have seen daylight in the same amount of time that she had been sat there, then maybe add a bit more, perhaps something like this- 'Her skin was as pale as lily petals from the absence of daylight, though she could not tell from the weak glow that illuminated her cell.'

she sat as days went by in a sealed room, isolated room, all alone

I don't think the repetition of room worked that well here, I'd maybe change the last bit to 'isolated and all alone' instead to flow a bit smoother.

The white walls seemed to close in on her and she was frightened to go near them fearing they would fall on her. The walls were blank and there was no vision to the outside world, no connection to the rush of the city,

She feared the walls would fall in on her? That’s a bit strange Does she think this because she is becoming more and more paranoid? I think you could explain a little more. I wouldn't think she would be able to move much anyways as she is chained to the floor, perhaps you could mention the chains again about them being just long enough to enable her to walk around the room or something like that as otherwise they seem a bit forgotten about
I'm not sure if you need to start the next part with 'The walls' as it is already clear what you are talking about so maybe just 'They'. I'm not sure about 'vision to the outside'- I think it would be better just to say 'window'.

Only through a small hatch in the door did a pair of hands put in a tray filled with food, a can of water, and hygiene supplies, at certain moments.

I think you could say something better than 'put' here, like 'slide'. I'm not sure aout 'moments'- maybe something like 'intervals' would work better.

She had counted them, the seconds of a minute, the minutes of an hour and the hours needed for a day. Once she knew it was of no point counting and counting she stopped.

Everyone kind of knows how many minutes there are in an hour and hours in a day, so instead maybe you could relate this to her trying to keep track of the time to find out how long she was there for. The second sentences sounded a bit odd to me, I'd work on rewording it a bit. Perhaps something like this- 'Soon she realised the pointlessness to counting and she stopped.'

From the meals she did not eat, she only each time took the knife, the can of water and the towel meant for cleaning herself.

I thought this read kind of awkwardly, I'd simplify the sentence a bit. 'She did not eat from her meals, only taking the knife, can of water and towel from the tray.' or something similar might run smoother, I don't think you need to say what the towel and water are for as you have already mentioned that they give her hygiene supplies.

She never sat facing the door; she always sat knees crossed facing the opposite wall of the door.

You repeat 'sat' and 'facing' here so I think you could maybe change one of each. Perhaps the first part could just be 'She never watched the door' or something like that to save from repetition.

I just waited and thought of life.

'on' instead of 'of' might work here.

I wanted to escape, I wanted away from the pain I felt inside. The world treated me wrong.

'to get' before 'away' might make the sentence flow easier, I think 'had' before 'treated' might be better too.

I sat here, in this dull, white, soft room thinking of this all day, for a lifetime, for that is what this time felt like.

before you have always been talking about it in the past, so I'd maybe change 'here' to 'there and 'this' to 'that'. I think you could rephrase the last part to the sentence, maybe 'for what seemed like a lifetime' so its a bit simpler.

I knew I was torn apart, I knew it wasn’t worth living.

'had been' instead of 'was' might sound better and I think the second sentence sounds a bit strange on its own- perhaps if you wrote it as 'Ii knew it wasn't worth it to go on living' it would make more sense.

I still had a small voice inside me saying I’ve lost my mind, but in just a matter of seconds I forgot it.

I think you could maybe extend more upon the voice, how does it sound? Is it whispering or shouting? Here's an example- 'I still heard a small voice inside of me, whispering over and over that I had lost my mind- but I forgot its words in just a matter of seconds.'

free of the pressure I was under still very recently.

It sounds like you are talking in the first person again so it’s a bit confusing, perhaps if you wrote it as 'free of the pressure I had been under before my capture'. or something similar.

which had once glistened with a sane and vivid light

As you mention 'sanity' soon after this, I'd maybe replace 'sane' here. Perhaps something like 'intelligent' or 'intent' or something to describe her once strong personality would work well instead.

The torch of sanity blew out and made her lose control. A sweet smile rose to her bony cheeks and bloody red lips.

This is a good use of imagery, I felt like I could really see what was happening I’d reword the first sentence though, ‘The torch of sanity blew out and she lost all control.’ might be better.

She stood up and the last word she would ever say came out of her mouth that had once always had a vague smile upon it.

This sounded a bit clumsy to me, maybe you could leave out the last bit and maybe simplify the first- otherwise it’s a bit confusing. Something like ‘She stood up and spoke the last word she would ever say.’ would be a lot simpler but still show the reader what she is doing

but they broke the silence of the room and felt like an earthquake. ”In the end we all must go”

I think you need to end the speech with a full stop and like pla said, I’d write who it felt like an earthquake to (her).

I grabbed the can of water and poured it on the towel I had on my lap.

I don’t think you need ‘I had’ after ‘towel’ and ‘on’ might sound better as ‘onto’.

I hadn’t breathed in a few minutes now I was ready.

Instead of ’now’ I’d maybe just add a comma after minutes.

Now, I stabbed the knife through my throat, as I swallowed for the last time.

Again you use now here, but you say ‘swallowed’ like its in the past tense so it’s a bit confusing. I’d maybe just leave out ‘Now’ at the beginning.

I felt nothing, only a dark, cold veil covering my skin.

Is this death? I would have thought she would feel something around her neck, maybe a warm spreading sensation or something. A veil does work as describing her dying but then you talk about her heart stop beating so I wouldn’t have it here, if you do write it in maybe at the end would be more appropriate.

as her body lay numb and ever so silent. That empty room was the only one to witness, the death of,

I wouldn’t have the comma’s like pla said. You have just used ‘lay’ so maybe you could change this one to something like ‘rested’. I’d maybe say ‘The empty room’ instead of ‘That’, I think it reads better

Overall: Like I said, this is a really good piece!

I agree with Pla about separating the paragraphs that switch between first and third person, I think it works well switching back and forth but something like star or putting one into italics might be good to distinguish between the two. I like the pace you have moved at throughout the story, I did get a bit confused about the light as I have mentioned before so i think you could maybe comment on that and the chains. Other than that I think you did allow the reader to get a good sense of the room and how claustrophobic it would feel.

You've left everything kind of mysterious, and I think it works I don't think you need much detail on the girls appearance, although some mentioning on how thin she has got might be good seeing as she is not eating. If she wasn't eating anything as well then she couldn't really have been there that long otherwise she would have starved to death- so maybe commenting on how she feels due to lack of food or that she might give in every now and then and then feel disgusted at herself for taking mouthfuls of the food given to her would make more sense. I would add more to the characters feelings as well- you are good at describing her increasing madness but there is not much on how she physically feels. As I said, she would be very weak and so I think it would be good to describe this more and how the chains feel on her. I mentioned about the chains as well, they just kind of disappear so I might mention them more throughout the story and how they hinder her movements.

I think there are a lot of questions surrounding her captors intentions- Obviously they would know that she was keeping things and not eating so are they OK with this? Perhaps adding something in about her knowing that they were aware of her suicidal intentions would clear this up a bit.

I thought this was beautifully written, it was really effective. All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you think differently! Hope I've helped *star*

I think you really achieved what you were aiming for here. The element of mystery really captured me, in a kind of sad, numb curious way. I am not a very good reviewer, I'm not even too sure how to use the quote tool bar so you will have to bear with me.

The writing style you choose for this story was interesting because it gives two different points of view so you can really get a good idea of how she perceives herself and the actually reality. I have little critique for this story, the only reason I am really reviewing this is too tell you how it made me feel. I still feel emotional now, even though it has been over ten minutes since I read your piece. It was quite confusing really, I empathized with you character yet the element of mystery you included gave made me doubt this feeling.

Really inspirational piece, I would say words can't describe it but obviously, they can.

Before I criticize just in case I want to say sorry because I don't quite parts of the story, I only say what's on my mind.


This story really made me think about how someone's life really could be like this. Just a few things, though. It was quite confusing how you switched between third and first person. You had a good idea and one suggestion of something i've seen done is tell the whole story in one person (usually the less dramatic or deep point of view) and then retell the story in the other person's view (this view usually being the more emotional and capturing point of view.)
Another thing was that I never really understood what made her unique. She kept saying she knew she was special but I never really understood whether it was because she was smart, because she refused to follow rules or what. That could be defines a little more.

Other than those few things, I think that this story really has potential and would really make people see what goes on without them noticing in other people's lives.