-Inconcessus- Five

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All right, I'm sorry to say but this is another filler, but the next few chapters are full of action, just so you know :wink:

Happy Reading!

___________________

CHAPTER FIVE

The back road we took to Rebecca’s old coven was rocky and many vampires took to the trees once we were out of sight of the town, swinging lazily from above like monkeys in the amazon. I decided to stay grounded, picking my way through the deep crevices, most of them obviously dug by ATV’s in the summer, mercilessly digging deeper and deeper into the earth with each passing year. The snow covered most of them, making it mildly startling every time I sunk up to my knees in snow whenever I hit one of the deeper crevices hidden beneath the white powder.
Nate passed overhead, laughing like a child, knotted hair blowing wildly in the wind. I couldn’t help but smile. Nate was only a few years older than I was but still acted like a Newborn, which sometimes could be dangerous for him. However, he was loved most dearly by many for his youthful outlook on everything and known throughout the coven for never having a frown soil his lips.
Through the thick undergrowth, my eyes were drawn to a corpulent cottage with drooping eaves, the building standing four storeys tall. It was massive, and looked like it was well taken care of, a small metal fence circling the property as we descended upon the driveway. The pointed roof and wooden walls seemed centuries old, the heavy snow piling higher and higher around it.
That’s when I spotted a figure on the stairs into the home. He was old, that much I was sure of. Much older than Philip, who was born a hundred years before the Wars. I almost mistook him for an Ancient until I looked closer at his face.
Ancients were weathered, their skin leathery with age. It was said that if any vampire ever lived to the age of the Ancients, with is over ten centuries old, you would also appear the same way. Normally, if you lived past this ten century mark, you would start to reflect your old age. I remembered to when I had been changed and Philip had told me that long ago, vampires had lived forever, never to cease to exist. Now, though, vampires only lived to a mere three hundred, maybe less due to the change in our blood, which supposedly had lost its mortally power.
The male’s face on the steps was fresh and clean, signally that he was just an Elder, as Philip was. An Elder was a vampire who was able to live past three hundred years old. Philip was nearing his four hundredth birthday this upcoming year, but the male on the steps looked closer to six, already lines of age forming around his eyes.
At the sight of Philip, the male outstretched his arms, his face splitting into a smile of salutation. Philip returned the gesture and they embraced. Then the Elder spotted Rebecca, his eyes softening at the sight of her. I saw them exchange formalities before the Elder turned and motioned through the open door with his hand.
A woman, another Elder, younger than the first, guided four vampires down the steps, carrying a table and chairs, many others following suit. In mere seconds, the grounds were filled with tables and chairs and we were motioned to sit.
I took a table near the outskirts, not wanting to socialize at the present time. I would rather be alone, my resentment towards this whole move building. I just didn’t understand it. Philip had never really given the coven a reason, saying only that we needed a change.
Michael joined me, along with Dover and Nate. Randy was called to sit at the table with Philip, and I knew that it was because Philip wanted to brag. Randy was known far and wide for his abilities and success in the Wars and it irked me slightly to think of Philip doing this to my friend. Randy didn’t seem bothered with it at all and bowed respectfully to the Elder male and female that had welcomed us.
A vampire from Walter’s coven was assigned to each table. The one that came to ours was a petite female with blonde, almost white hair that fell in waves down her back and a dancer’s figure. Her face was clear of any blemishes and she had large gray eyes that shone like the moon. It was obvious that she was one of the Blessed.
The boys appraised her as she drew nearer and received her with sly grins. I rolled my eyes, cupping my chin in my hand, as I turned away to gaze into the depths of the forest. I heard them introduce each other and my name was spoken from Dover’s lips. I twisted, looking the female up and down before generating a smile and turning away again. She didn’t seem offended at all, however at my cold demeanor. She just introduced herself as Elena and chatted actively with the boys.
I kept my eyes lost in the foliage, reaching up with one hand to stroke the branch of a near-by tree. It didn’t feel like the forest back in Bock neither did is smell like it. This was a foreign land that Philip had shoved us into and I couldn’t help it when my hackles rose slightly as the female, Elena, placed her hand on Michael’s arm, laughing softly. I had never been one to welcome newcomers. I was usually reserved and kept to myself. I didn’t like change; I didn’t adjust well to differences in my daily life.
And this was the biggest conversion I had ever encountered and I feared that I wouldn’t deal well with it.

* * * *

Hours later, as darkness fell upon the land, the male Elder, whose name I later found out was Walter, and his Blood Mate, Anita, stood and urged everyone indoors to sleep. I arose automatically, my eyelids already drooping with fatigue. I knew what my problem was; I hadn’t fed in days and my body was weakening. I just prayed that Philip would take us out tomorrow—if I could last that long.
Inside the home, a roaring fire in the cavernous hall warmed its surroundings; the cottage was even larger when viewed from within. Anita guided our coven up the stairs to the top levels. I heard as I walked some interesting things about Walter’s coven as the vampires near me conversed quietly.
The coven was small, nearing only twenty vampires while mine had fifty members and still growing. Walter’s was made up of select few vampires, ranging from across the world. Most had escaped from their countries in the Wars and had no other place to go. Walter hadn’t had a Newborn since the Wars ended centuries ago.
I found this fact odd. Newborns came every year for my coven. It was a natural balance of new and old. Though, the change of this, again, wasn’t very convivial for me.
My attention was drawn away from my thoughts when Anita presented us with a wing of our own. I picked the first door to my right, not caring, my only thought on rest. My eyes quickly took in the room—red painted walls, silk curtains, plush mahogany carpeting—before my feet guided me to the single bed closest to the door. I free fell upon the mattress, burying my face into the lavish down-filled pillows. It was obvious they had wealth and stability, versus my own who were always struggling to keep up with the increasing masses.
Yawning, I smelled the trivial scent of rose water before my eyes slipped closed.

* * * *

I woke in an alien room, one I didn’t immediately recognize. It took me moments to fully regain my eyesight, wiping the sleep from my eyes, before I took in my environs. Then it registered when I spotted a mound in the bed next to the window, the curtains pulled closed to block out the morning sunlight.
Shifting under the covers, the mound moved and I jolted when I saw the face of Elena facing me, her white-blonde hair spilling out of it’s bun at the base of her neck. Her mouth was slightly a-gap and I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath she took in, her eyelids fluttering as she slept on. Raising my fingers to my temples, I closed my eyes and willed it all to be a bad dream. I wasn’t here, that was really Nora in that bed, I wasn’t in Duluth, I hadn’t moved.
My eyes took in my backpack and garbage bag at the base of my bed and I moaned softly. This was happening; I really was here.
Tumbling from the bed, I pulled my hair into a haphazard pony, grabbed my backpack, and left the room. I needed a hot shower, I needed space to think, I needed to find the nearest bathroom. Looking from left to right, all I saw was doors. Closing my eyes and reopening them, I chose the left.
Luckily, the bathroom was at the end of the hall, the walls a seafoam green with white splatters of paint that looked like an attempt at sophistication but only seemed messy. Throwing my backpack on the floor, I closed the door behind me, locking it with a click.
Leaning over the sink, I sighed softly, squeezing my eyes shut. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be in the manor hearing the soft melody of the local birds, smelling the pine forests, watching as the sun refracted off of the ice-covered lake.
Peering up into the mirror, I saw my reflection and growled.
I looked like hell.
Dark black half-moons rimmed my eyes, the iris’s a dreary gray-green—reflecting my demeaning mood and making my appearance all the more dowdy. My lips were full over fluorescent-white teeth that glimmered in the artificial light. My canines were long, signifying that I still needed to feed. My dark, ebony-black hair framed my slightly oval-shaped face, the strands reaching to the middle of my back. My frame was small, my shoulder blades protruding oddly from my back and my fingers resembled white spiders the bluish-black veins lining the knuckles as I flexed them.
No longer able to look at myself, I spun around to turn the knob to the shower, flicking it on high before closing the curtain. Slowly removing my clothes, I stepped inside the tub, my toes tingling as the balmy water pooled around them. The torrent from the showerhead hit my body with scorching heat, the droplets hissing as they landed on my chilled skin. The steam increased as I grabbed the shampoo bottle and scrubbing my hair with liniment that smelled like blueberries.
Yuck.
After a while, I just leaned against the tiled wall, closing my eyes and letting the vapor swirl around me, making my cold body temperature rise. I tried to control my thoughts, knowing that if I walked out of this bathroom, pissed and detached, Philip would have my head. I knew that my only option was to at least fake resolve and hopefully get some blood in my system before I really went insane.
Turning off the shower, I dried myself quickly before throwing on a pair of wrinkled slacks and a blue sweatshirt, settling on letting my hair air-dry. Shoving my dirty clothes back into my backpack, I made my way back to the bedroom I had slept in.
Upon walking in, I saw Elena awake, perched on the edge of her bed, tying up the laces on her tennis shoes. She smiled benevolently at me and stood. She didn’t seem so bad now, her hair messy, her skin slightly off-colored in the morning light.
“You’re Sophia, right?” she asked, her voice soft. I nodded in confirmation and dropped my bag on the ground. “Care to go for a run?” I started at her offer. What person would welcome a new vampire so readily into their home? She’s just being nice, I scolded myself, giving myself a mental shake. If I turned her down, news would reach Philip’s ears and I didn’t feel like being yelled at today. Glancing out the window, I smelled the freshness of the outdoors and smiled, for real that time.
“A run sounds lovely.”
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey,

I know I said I would check this out tomorrow, but curiousity got the better of me.

You were right about the fitter. You really didn't give much on Carmen and Nora, even thought I hate her now. It was just mostly of Micheal and his gang, Nate and Sophia.

I love your details. I am always getting the picture in my head as I read your story. So, good job on the details.

Now Elena...she seems interesting, but who is she to Sophia? Does she become a friend to Sophia and Where is Issac? When is he going to make in appearance in the story?

Well, that's it from me. PM me when you post chapter six.

see ya around.

NM
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Hiya there ash, can't wait to read your new installment... :D

The back road we took to Rebecca’s old coven was rocky and many vampires took to the trees once we were out of sight of the town, swinging lazily from above like monkeys in the amazon. I decided to stay grounded, picking my way through the deep crevices, most of them obviously dug by ATV’s in the summer, mercilessly digging deeper and deeper into the earth with each passing year. The snow covered most of them, making it mildly startling every time I sunk up to my knees in snow whenever I hit one of the deeper crevices hidden beneath the white powder

Now, you did this with the previous chapter also, you started it off with a paragraph full of long sentences. Now, don't get me wrong, I love how you start off chapters, but you just need to try and cut down on the use of loads of long sentences to start a chapter off, as it can make the chapter unappealing to the reader before they've even started reading - which is definitely what we don't want happening!! So, my advice to you is the same as last time, I want you to keep this because it is really great, but look over it and try and swap the full stops around, or maybe try breaking it up with a few semi colons? It's up to you, but try and break up these long sentences, as it will make this start a lot more appealing, and the reader can appreciate more with what a way you have with words!! :D

for never having a frown soil his lips

I love this, great job (:

a small metal fence circling the property came into view [?] as we descended upon the driveway


to the age of the Ancients, with is over ten centuries old

This doesn't make sense, try looking over this and rephrasing (:

had lost its immortality power.


fresh and clean, signaling that he was just an Elder


A woman, another Elder, but younger than the first


resentment towards this whole move started building


A vampire from Walter’s coven was

Who's Walter? You may have mentioned this in the previous chapter and I have forgotten (which is probably most likely, knowing me =P ), if so ignore me, but who is Walter? And is his coven the coven that owns the house and that they're staying with? If so, you need to make this clearer, as the details are a little fuzzy to me =P

She didn’t seem offended at all, [s]however[/s] at my cold demeanor


blonde hair spilling out of [s]it’s[/s] its bun


Her mouth was slightly a-gape


and my fingers resembled white spiders[comma] the bluish-black veins lining the knuckles as


and scrubbed my hair with liniment that smelled


I scolded myself, giving myself

You've used myself twice very closely together, which makes the sentence awkward standing and it stands out a little, so try and get rid of one, by rearranging the sentence?

Overall
I like how this chapter is (to quote you) a 'filling in' chapter, because we need to know all of this information, it's the whole point of reading a book (: And you said there's a bit more action coming up in the next chapters?? Well I can't wait for that!! Another great chapter, ash and I hope my review helped you out :D

Keep writing (or I shall hunt you down :wink: )
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."




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Night Mistress & Lucyy:

I must thank you both most dearly for staying so dedicated to this story. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Yes, lucyy, I do tend to drag things out in long sentences when I begin chapters :oops: I really try to work on that.

Bri, I will be introducing Isaac two chapters from now so hopefully I don't make you too impatient. And all your other questions will be answered in the chapters coming up as well.

You both mentioned the filling of the chapter and I'm sorry for that. I just have to include this information since it's necessary for the continuation of the novel.

Thanks again, both of you! =]
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash!

I'm so sorry for taking so long to get to this. But since all of the grammatical stuff is taken care of, I'll just say that I liked this chapter, even though it was a filler. You didn't info drop us and it wasn't boring. It was written well as always, and I loved your descriptions. I could see everything and if Sophia really doesn't want to live there, you can write me in and I'll live for her. But anyways, I'm off to the next chapter.

Good job,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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All of you poor Inconcessus readers: I've seen this baby up to over half the manuscript! Ha!

Sorry. Just wanted to have a moment to immaturely gloat. But this story gets so good, it even has me snarling at Ash for more. HINT ASH!

So I'm glad you're working on this still, BF. Keep going... or I will hunt you down and take away your KoolAid. And I know where you live, so that's a promise.

Hee-hee.

KJ




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Okay, yes this was just fluff, but you could have added a bit more. Not having her pass out right away, or having there been something else before she goes to bed. I dunno.
Seems weird to me that she would just take a shower without saying something like "yeah, this isnt my shower. i dont feel comfertable taking a shower here" i mean, i move around a lot and it takes me a while before i feel comfortable enough to use the dishwasher, let alone a shower. haha. well thats just me.

on i go to read.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
The back road we took to Rebecca’s old coven was rocky and many vampires took to the trees once we were out of sight of the town, swinging lazily from above like monkeys in the Amazon. I decided to stay grounded, picking my way through the deep crevices, most of them obviously dug by ATV’s in the summer, mercilessly digging deeper and deeper into the earth with each passing year. The snow covered most of them, making it mildly startling every time I sunk up to my knees in snow whenever I hit one of the deeper crevices hidden beneath the white powder.
Nate passed overhead, laughing like a child, knotted hair blowing wildly in the wind. I couldn’t help but smile. Nate was only a few years older than I was, but still acted like a Newborn, which sometimes could be dangerous for him. However, he was loved most dearly by many for his youthful outlook on everything and known throughout the coven for never having a frown soil his lips.
Through the thick undergrowth, my eyes were drawn to a corpulent cottage with drooping eaves, the building standing four stories tall. It was massive, and looked like it was well taken care of, a small metal fence circling the property as we descended upon the driveway. The pointed roof and wooden walls seemed centuries old, the heavy snow piling higher and higher around it.
Ancients were weathered, their skin leathery with age. It was said that if any vampire ever lived to the age of the Ancients, which is over ten centuries old, you would also appear the same way. Normally, if you lived past this ten century mark, you would start to reflect your old age. I remembered to when I had been changed and Philip had told me that long ago, vampires had lived forever, never to cease to exist. Now, though, vampires only lived to a mere three hundred, maybe less due to the change in our blood, which supposedly had lost its mortally power.
The boys appraised her as she drew nearer and received her with sly grins. I rolled my eyes, cupping my chin in my hand, as I turned away to gaze into the depths of the forest. I heard them introduce each other and my name was spoken from Dover’s lips. I twisted, looking the female up and down before generating a smile and turning away again. She didn’t seem offended at all, however, at my cold demeanor. She just introduced herself as Elena and chatted actively with the boys.
I kept my eyes lost in the foliage, reaching up with one hand to stroke the branch of a near-by tree. It didn’t feel like the forest back in Bock, nor did is smell like it. This was a foreign land that Philip had shoved us into, and I couldn’t help it when my hackles rose slightly as the female, Elena, placed her hand on Michael’s arm, laughing softly. I had never been one to welcome newcomers. I was usually reserved and kept to myself. I didn’t like change; I didn’t adjust well to differences in my daily life.
Shifting under the covers, the mound moved and I jolted when I saw the face of Elena facing me, her white-blonde hair spilling out of it’s bun at the base of her neck. Her mouth was slightly a-gap and I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath she took in, her eyelids fluttering as she slept on. Raising my fingers to my temples, I closed my eyes and willed it all to be a bad dream. I wasn’t here, that was really Nora in that bed, I wasn’t in Duluth, I hadn’t moved.
Tumbling from the bed, I pulled my hair into a haphazard pony, grabbed my backpack, and left the room. I needed a hot shower, I needed space to think, I needed to find the nearest bathroom. Looking from left to right, all I saw were doors. Closing my eyes and reopening them, I chose the left.
Luckily, the bathroom was at the end of the hall, the walls a seafoam green with white splatters of paint that looked like an attempt at sophistication, but only seemed messy. Throwing my backpack on the floor, I closed the door behind me, locking it with a click.
“You’re Sophia, right?” she asked, her voice soft. I nodded in confirmation and dropped my bag on the ground. “Care to go for a run?” I star[s]t[/s]ed at her offer. What person would welcome a new vampire so readily into their home? She’s just being nice, I scolded myself, giving myself a mental shake. If I turned her down, news would reach Philip’s ears and I didn’t feel like being yelled at today. Glancing out the window, I smelled the freshness of the outdoors and smiled, for real that time.
“A run sounds lovely.” [/spoiler]

Hmm, I think for a filler it was actually pretty good... not like boring or pointless kinda filler thing... I do wonder about Elena's relevance... a new good friend, perhaps? Would seriously seem like Sophia needs one.
Oh, and I loved your description of Sophia... and how she seems to be down and against anything lovely. Seems like she's constantly in her days. Haha.
When's Isaac gonna come into the picture, thoughh?? *is a total sap for romance*

...Yeah, I think my best option is to go keep reading. Cheers.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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Hey. This was great; just thought I'd say that again after all of the other times I said it. Haha. Anyway, there were a few things that I noticed. They're not too dramatic, though. :wink:

The back road we took to Rebecca’s old coven was rocky and many vampires took to the trees once we were out of sight of the town, swinging lazily from above like monkeys in the amazon.


Amazon should be capitalized.

Through the thick undergrowth, my eyes were drawn to a corpulent cottage with drooping eaves, the building standing four storeys tall.


You misspelled stories.

I remembered to when I had been changed and Philip had told me that long ago, vampires had lived forever, never to cease to exist.


Why did Philip tell her that vampires lived forever if they clearly do age?

Philip had never really given the coven a reason, saying only that we needed a change.


Does he eventually tell the reason why the coven moved?

She didn’t seem offended at all, however at my cold demeanor.


There should be another comma after however.

I kept my eyes lost in the foliage, reaching up with one hand to stroke the branch of a near-by tree.


Delete the hyphen between near and by. Those two should be together.

This was a foreign land that Philip had shoved us into and I couldn’t help it when my hackles rose slightly as the female, Elena, placed her hand on Michael’s arm, laughing softly.


This isn't really a correction, but something I was just wondering. Does Elena eventually start liking Michael?

Hours later, as darkness fell upon the land, the male Elder, whose name I later found out was Walter, and his Blood Mate, Anita, stood and urged everyone indoors to sleep.


She already said his name was Walter, so how could she just now find out that Walter is his name?

Luckily, the bathroom was at the end of the hall, the walls a seafoam green with white splatters of paint that looked like an attempt at sophistication but only seemed messy.


Sea and foam should be seperated. They're not exactly one word.

I tried to control my thoughts, knowing that if I walked out of this bathroom, pissed and detached, Philip would have my head.


Why would Philip be mad if she was pissed about the move? Doesn't he allow them to have their own opinions on things?




Other than that, I didn't see anything else. Again, this was good. :wink:
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson