Blood

[b]
Blood.
I fell to the ground.
paralyzed by the pain.
can't anyone help me?

I turn to my right,
a dark hallway...
I turn to my left,
a dark wall.

I look down,
and see my warm blood spill to the ground.
So i get up before i drown.

Tears blur my view...
it was then that I ran into you.
the one who hurt me,
the reason of my fall.
I turn around and run into the dark wall.

My panic level reaches beyond belief.
I cut my wrists...
searching for relief.

I see my blood spilling to the ground,
I close my eyes...
im about to drown.

I hope your happy,
hope it feels good..
to know your the reason
of me drowning in my blood.

wow yeah.....feel free to comment im new at this and aware that i probably suck

Wow!!!! I must say some pretty powerful stuff you got there!

Don't worry, I get depressed and can write some of the most dramatic stuff too! Haha!

Anyway, You might wanna check your spelling of "panick" heheh, just a pointer ;P.

But other than that, you sound like your getting all your pain out, but still keeping it in correct-ness! Mwa haha, its really powerful, and I really really hope to see more from you! Heh!

Anyway, just poppin' in to say its great! Keep up the good work! Heheh! ^-^

Kuro Out! <3

Hey there! I'm Kat and I'm gonna review this amazingly depressing poem!
So, as I have said above it's depressing (obviously). But a lot of people here (including myself) like to write about depressive things. And I really enjoy reading depressive poems, since they're something I can understand more easily.
On to the review!

Blood . [full stop here, make it a statement]

I fell to the ground... [remove those, there's no need to use them]

paralyzed by the pain.

cant anyone help me? [Can't]



I turn to my right,

a dark hallway...

i turn to my left, [I]

a dark wall.

So, not bad. But to ask a question in a poem it's kind of risky, since lots of people say you shouldn't use them in a poem.

I look down,
and see my warm blood spill to the ground.
So i get up before i drown. [again you have to capitalize the I's]

Tears blur my view...
it was then that i ran into you. [capitalize the freaking I's!]
the on who hurt me, [I think you mean "one"]
the reason of my fall. [unclear]
i turn around and run into the dark wall.

So, not bad again. The first stanza isn't bad. The assuming of drowning in your own blood, is incredible depressing but it works nice here. She's really freaked out.

My panick level reaches beyond belief, [panic]
i cut my wrists... [I think you got my point on capitalizing the I's so I'm not gonna mention them anymore]
searching for relief. [wow dark]

I see my blood spilling to the ground, [maybe break this line into two and add an again at the end]
I close my eyes...
im about to drown,

I hope your happy,
hope it feels good.. [add an I at the beginning, it sounds better]
to know your the reason
of me drowning in my blood.

Really, but REALLY dark! Just how I like them
That's all my thoughts into this. It has good potential, but it needs work.
keep writing!

Oh and welcome to YWS! If you neeed anything just PM me!

Hey, KaityJay! Welcome to YWS! My critique is in bold.

kaityjay wrote:Blood
i fell to the ground...Capitalize I
paralyzed by the pain.
cant anyone help me?Remember the apostrophe: It should be "can't"

I turn to my right,
a dark hallway...
i turn to my left,
a dark wall.Once again, capitalize the I
Also, maybe it's just me, but I think there should be walls on both sides of you. No where to go. You could always go down the hallway.
I look down,
and see my warm blood spill to the ground.
So i get up before i drown.Capitalize I. Also, the fact that you get up makes it seem optimistic

Tears blur my view...
it was then that i ran into you.Capitalize I
the on who hurt me,Change on to one
the reason of my fall.
i turn around and run into the dark wall.Capitalize the I

My panick level reaches beyond belief,panic, not panick
i cut my wrists...I think you should describe the way you feel when you cut.
searching for relief.

I see my blood spilling to the ground,
I close my eyes...
im about to drown,change im to "I'm

I hope your happy,Change your to "you're
hope it feels good..
to know your the reason
of me drowning in my blood. I would change "of me" to "that I'm"; it seems to flow better.

wow yeah.....feel free to comment im new at this and aware that i probably suck

This definetly wasn't bad. It was pretty good, actually.

Hope this helped,
~Sakura~

aww thanks you guys i will DEFINITELY capatalize my "freaking I's" haha!

sorry i tend to get lazy and forget about all that stuff...

anywho ...thanks for all the um...critique i guess?

lol thats the first time Ive ever showed people something of mine

sooo....keep checking back and I'll put more things on here

Wow, another amazing poem. This is so realistic and kind of scary. the scketchy rythem addds to the feelings and thoughts of the character.
Be careful of you're capitalization, i only noticed a few mistakes there.
Again, Wow . Amazing job.