Questioning You, Questioning Me

I want to die,
I want to cry,
to feel closer to you.
Every inch of my body
is held down in agony,
and the weight of gravity
brings me closer to you.
When will I see you?
When can I be you?
would you let me in,
could keep me safe?
I'm praying to God,
I'm praying he's real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.
I know I've done wrong,
but I'm not willing to bite my tongue.
No, not again.
I'm not a compromise,
I'm willing to break those ties
with him,
with her.
So I'm praying to you,
I'm praying your real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.
And it seems like I'm lost
in a town I've lived my whole life,
where everyone knows a name
that's truly not mine.
I know how my history repeats,
and yet it's still a surprise.
Bite me,
just to feel if I'm real.
Touch me,
just see if i'll heal.
I'm just praying to me,
I'm praying I'm real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.


So this is a poem I wrote a few months ago. I'm not quite sure what it means, because I don't quite remember. Anyone want to guess what it means? Feel free XD

Hi, cmarie. ^_^

I haven't critiqued poetry for a while, so let's see what I can do here.

I want to die,
I want to cry,
to feel closer to you.

I'm not so sure about this beginning. I can tell you're going for a sudden, powerful effect by using a harsh word like "die", but I don't think it's working for me. Here's a few things that I find questionable about this:
1. It's confusing. How can you possibly feel closer to someone by crying? I can understand death (if that person you're lamenting about is in fact deceased), but crying doesn't seem to fit. I think you were just going for a quick rhyme as a hooking opening, which leads me to point 2.
2. A quick and easy rhyme does not make a good poem. (i.e., don't read my poetry.) In fact, it can make deep and meaningful pieces simply look tacky. We don't like tacky. So pull out something else for a fantastic opening. Be creative! There's a hundred different, original things you can say to draw readers in.
3. It's terribly cliche. Wanting to die to be with someone lost to them had been redone a countless amount of times. Many people believe that genuine poetry must be depressing; a true verse has to be jam-packed with lament and mourning. This is why many people write verse on the subject of death, depression, etc..
This is not true. So keeping that in mind, let your creative side explore more options. Don't just settle for something that everyone else has done!

Every inch of my body
is held down in agony,
and the weight of gravity
brings me closer to you.

Now, this is just my interpretation, but this statement seems incredibly confusing to me. If the weight of gravity is holding you down and bringing you closer to whoever it is you miss, then why are you in agony? To me it seems not only contradictory to the rest of your poem before this, it just seems odd. Maybe you could keep this same idea/imagery, but as an actual aid to your piece:

Every inch of my body
is held down tightly,
as the weight of gravity
brings me closer to you.

Or something of the sort. Just let your verse make sense. ;)

When will I see you?
When can I be you?
Would you let me in,
could (you) keep me safe?

Capitalize "Would", and I guess you accidentally left out "you" in the last line.
If it weren't for the When can I be you? I would completely love this verse. Throughout this whole thing so far you've been talking about seeing and missing and loving this person - not wanting to be them. So for me, that just really threw the whole verse off. Otherwise, nice job. I really like the questioning as to whether the person could keep you safe or not.

I'm praying to God,
I'm praying he's real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

The sudden mention of God and whether or not he exists seems very inappropriate here. (Not in a "bad" way, just unnecessary.) So far throughout this you've been wanting to get closer to someone, and you've talked about pain and longing, etc.. Suddenly bringing up religion (let alone religious views, according to "I'm praying he's real") just seems out of place in this poem.
I'd think that the first two lines of this quote would be better off if they weren't there at all. Now, I do understand that they're used for the purpose of rhyming, but seeing how the whole of your poem is free verse, it honestly wouldn't impact anything.

I know I've done wrong,
but I'm not willing to bite my tongue.

I like these two lines very much. I like the fact that, even while admitting your mistakes, you're not going to hold back your beliefs. Nice.

No, not again.
I'm not a compromise,
I'm willing to break those ties
with him,
with her.

Hm. I'm stumped. This is not good.
You've brought up two new people now: him and her. Why? How are these people significant in this at all? You have not mentioned them before, and you do not mention them later. I'm not going to rant too much about this for your sake and mine, but that just seems very strange to me.

So I'm praying to you,
I'm praying you're real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

"your" should be "you're" (you + are).
Alright, so that other verse comes back into play. Except this time around, it actually makes sense. This is a very nicely-structured verse, and the simple rhyme works perfectly. This is what I'd like to see more of. Well done!

And it seems like I'm lost
in a town I've lived my whole life,
where everyone knows a name
that's truly not mine.

Again, this is lovely. Not much I can say here - I enjoyed this quatrain very much. :)

I know how my history repeats,
and yet it's still a surprise.

And a very nice couplet! Ah, your poem is getting better as it continues. (Notice how my comments get shorter?) :)

Bite me,
just to feel if I'm real.
Touch me,
just see if I'll heal.

"I'll" should be capitalized.
Ok, so here's the conflict:
1. At first read, it seems like you may have accidentally switched bite and touch. In this way, it doesn't make logical sense.
2. However! I very much love it how it is. I really like the contrast of bite and touch in reversed roles. (Especially the Touch me, just to see if I heal; it's very morbid and slightly ominous.)The word choice placement of this stanza makes it unique and memorable - a vast difference from the first half of your poem.

I'm just praying to me,
I'm praying I'm real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

Fantastic ending. Very, very nice job. I liked the well-spaced repetition and use of this verse. Kudos!


Ok, now that my comments are over, I'm just going to make a brief, overall statement: Ditch the first half of this. Or, simply come up with a rewrite. Your last few stanzas are golden, and it would be a terrible waste to let them sit with some of these other verses.
Obviously, you can write (very well, at that), but you have got to work on your opening. Hook the audience into your piece - if you can't do that the first stanza, they won't stick around until the last one (which would be a shame, in this case).

I hope the harshness of this review doesn't upset you - I really liked this piece (which is why I'm being tough). Trust me - it pains me to be this mean, but it pains me even more to see someone not expressing their full potential. I'm giving this a gold star, but only for those well-written verses. I'd love to see more work from you - this was an enjoyable read. ^_^


Pop

Hello! This poem actually reminds me of a few pieces I wrote, so I figured I'd give a comment or two.

cmarie159 wrote:I want to die,
I want to cry,
to feel closer to you.
Every inch of my body
is held down in agony,
and the weight of gravity
brings me closer to you.

Man, how many times have I felt like that? Actually, these last two lines I'm quoting here remind me of the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles. Might wanna look it up.

I'm not sure of the beginning... I mean, yes, it totally describes the feeling! But it might not really "hook" the reader, you know? Maybe even something as simple as putting a period at the end of the first line, just to make it a bolder statement. (Actually, reading this stanza again reminded me of another poem I wrote but never shared. Nice!)

When will I see you?
When can I be you?
would you let me in,
could keep me safe?
I'm praying to God,
I'm praying he's real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

Okay, so, the second line... I don't get it? "When can I be you?" See, at first I was getting the vibe that this was about a loved one, maybe a crush or a family member or something. So now I'm not getting it, haha. (Of course, it's 7:30 in the morning and I haven't slept all night, so...)

Also, "another chance at the wheel." I like the idea, but maybe you could elaborate a bit on that? Are you asking for another chance to make a decision, maybe?

I know I've done wrong,
but I'm not willing to bite my tongue.
No, not again.
I'm not a compromise,
I'm willing to break those ties
with him,
with her.
So I'm praying to you,
I'm praying your real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

Well, I like this because it shows your strength! The "With him/with her" lines are a bit short... Maybe you can combine them? I do like the change up in who you're praying to. Oh, and the third to last line I'm quoting should be "I'm praying you're real" -- grammar Nazi time. I'm not sure of the repetition, really, only because it feels more like lyrics then.

And it seems like I'm lost
in a town I've lived my whole life,
where everyone knows a name
that's truly not mine.
I know how my history repeats,
and yet it's still a surprise.
Bite me,
just to feel if I'm real.
Touch me,
just see if i'll heal.
I'm just praying to me,
I'm praying I'm real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

I love the third and fourth lines here! I'm not sure about the "bite me/touch me" parts -- they'd be cool in another poem, but they kind of break up the feel that you've established here. Again, I like the variation of the prayer.

Overall? I think it might be a bit long, and I think it would be best to break it up into stanzas, perhaps similar to how I'm quoting it -- ending with the repetition of the prayers. You might also consider turning them into lyrics instead. All in all, I think you did a good job of expressing yourself, and while it still might need a bit of work and polish to make it a good poem, it's certainly a start.

hi..
would you mind if i arrange this?

I want to die,
I want to cry,
to be closer to you.
Every inch of my body
is held down in agony,
and the weight of gravity
brings me closer to you.

When will I see you?
When can I be you?
would you let me in,
could keep me safe?

I'm praying to God,
I'm praying he's real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

I know I've done wrong,
but I'm not willing to bite my tongue.
No, not again.
I'm not a compromise,
I'm willing to break those ties
with him,
with her.

So I'm praying to you,
I'm praying your real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

And it seems like I'm lost
in a town I've lived my whole life,
where everyone knows a name
that's truly not mine.

I know how my history repeats,
and yet it's still a surprise.
Bite me,
just to feel if I'm real.
Touch me,
just see if i'll heal.

I'm just praying to me,
I'm praying I'm real,
I'm praying for hope,
another chance at the wheel.

i guess it would be better if it will be made into a song.