Space Dreaming

Space Dreaming

Through a telescope, I see me,

Falling through a black hole. Time’s stopped.

Glinting in space, with a robot suit on.

A flag on a moon made out of cheese.

Stars, balls of light that brighten my eyes.

Blackness like death, seen but never touched.

Pluto, the truck stop for the end of the universe.

Big angry eyes staring back at me,

Back to earth, falling 6 fathoms deep.

“Get off the internet, you’ve got homework.”

Bye space,
For today.

OK lets get started .

First of all, you can ease up on the periods at the end. They aren't needed for every single ending... try connecting a few sentences with a transition word so you can use commas once in a while. I think the periods mess with the rhythm a little. You also do not need the capitalization if you are to change [some of] the periods.

Also;

Back to earth, falling 6 fathoms deep.

When you are using a number under 10, you [s]should[/s] have to use the word. E.g.; six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Well, that's all I find. Great ending, even though it is a completely different rhythm than the rest of the poem... I loved your topic! I often feel that way about space... and about the homework/ computer part

Hope I helped! Sorry if I was rude or harsh... I didn't mean to.

Cool. Thanks for the advise, I'll keep that number thing in mind.

No depth. Nothing but caricatures, ghosts. You want bones, not nostalgic photo-prints all thumb worn and rustic.

First, descriptive words like "angry" should be dropped or avoided as much as possible until someone grasps how to use bluntness. Until then, assume everything need to be turned into a fluid description. An angry grin can be given to the surroundings themselves, attributes should link characters together outside of normal narrative interaction. This is the point of poetics, to a large extent. Poetry allows metaphor to transcend character barriers.

USE THIS! Allow an image to become fluid and encompass a piece fully. Don't give us stationary cardboard cut-outs or stiff jointed action figures, we want the super posables. Your pieces should bend like the plastic joints of a spider-man toy! Connect your characters through colorful expressive action that both helps to tell us more of the characters and of the environment. Assume, briefly, any one description of an object can be used to flesh out another object if paralleled. Allow yourself to run with this, then figure out how to format, and chop into a coherent babble.

Without this you will continue to fall flat, and evoke little if any emotion from your reader. If you'd like a greater explanation, please send me a PM.

I didn't get much from this poem. Maybe that's how it was meant to be, just a kind of a fun, quick little piece, in which case disregard everything I say next.

I agree with Hypocrit on his abservation that there isn't much emotion to this. You have a very nice, if somewhat stock, build up on the space theme, and then you jump to the internet and basically burn all that came before. I was expecting those images to lead to a more dreamworld type of poem.

Secondly, you do not need a space between every line. This poem could be made into two or three verses and it would benefit the flow greatly.

THis had a nice start, keep at it.

~Lynn