What if...?

What If...?




What if you don’t have eyes to see the beauty of this world
…None to view the fresh meadows and its tendrils finely curled?





What if you don’t have hands to paint the canvas of your life
…None to portray the fleeting moments of beauty and of strife?





What if all you have is emptiness; confined from the world and unseen
And pierced are you by hours of solitude and silence in between?





Life: ‘tis worth living so go ahead and live!
You may think you’ve a multitude of years
But Time is not one to give





You may not reckon, tomorrow, you may have passed away;
Never again to see the beauty of dawn or wake up to a brand new day!





Live strong, live loud, live free, live proud; enjoy each sweet moment
For in this world we found ourselves in, we needn’t be taken in with strong, sorrowful currents.





We need to break free; we were born for this – never let your passion waver
Indulge yourself with all the bliss and love the world has got to offer!

Hey there, welcome to YWS! I'm June and I'm going to run over this for you. ^_^


Before I begin, I want to mention that YWS has a 2:1 ratio rule, which means that before you post one piece of your work you should complete two reviews (prior to your post). Please complete two reviews as soon as you can.

Let's begin =)

What if you don’t have eyes to see the beauty of this world

…None to view the fresh meadows and its tendrils finely curled?

• In the first line here, don't should be "didn't", because using "don't" makes it sound as if you are talking to someone who is not sure whether they have eyes or not.

What if you don’t have hands to paint the canvas of your life

…None to portray the fleeting moments of beauty and of strife?

Same as in the first couplet, dear. Don't should be didn't.

What if all you have is emptiness; confined from the world and unseen

And pierced are you by hours of solitude and silence in between?

• In the first line here, "have" should be "had", dear.

• The second line is a little confusing as well; I'm not too clear on the meaning of it, so, if you can, it would help to reword this line so that it reads clearer for us. ^_^

Life: ‘tis worth living so go ahead and live!

You may think you’ve a multitude of years

But Time is not one to give

My favorite part.

You may not reckon, tomorrow, you may have passed away;

Never again to see the beauty of dawn or wake up to a brand new day!

• In the first line, "you may have passed away" should be "you might pass away". Because tomorrow has yet to come, it should be future-- not past-- tense, dear.

Live strong, live loud, live free, live proud; enjoy each sweet moment

For in this world we found ourselves in, we needn’t be taken in with strong, sorrowful currents.

• In the second line, "found" should be "find", dear.




- * -


This was very enjoyable. It had a cheery air to it; inspirational and wonderful. Other than the few mistakes I highlighted above, I think you did a very nice job on this poem. Keep up the great work, dear, and welcome to YWS!

June

I loved this poem! Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything wrong with it other than the things that June pointed out. Well, actually, I did think that the flow of the poem was off because there were so many syllables in each line. Other than that, I really didn't find anything.

Also, I agree with June: this poem was written really well, and it has a sort of cheery air to it. I liked that. Well, don't really have very much else to say, except that I'm kind of sorry, since this isn't really much of a review. Sorry about that.

~Claery

Okay the repitiveness is good some people can over do it but your is in lttle bit size chunks I like that. But the poem becomes a tad preachy. i think you should avoid trying to do that it kind of ruins the authentisity. Apart from that it's pretty good. I like the start the best.