The End Too Soon

She sits alone rocking in the corner
Trying to remember what happened to her
She knows now why there is a mourner
She knows who it was in the back of her mind
But does she really want to know?
Inside it feels hot and humid
Outside down comes the snow
There are sudden flashbacks in her mind
that I hope you wouldn't know
The pain and torment that she felt
She tried to save her child but in the end
She had only one alternative

I think you kind of lost the flow in the last two or three stanzas, and "She knows who it was in the back of her mind/But does she really want to know?" Pretty good though, overall.

Thank you It was very kind of you to make a comment. I will look into ways that I can change that.

-Nikki

The beginning, especially the first line sounded sort of well, I don't think there's any other word for it except for "lame."
However, the rest of the poem is very catchy--not cliche...and it will be really good with just a few minor adjustments:
She knows now why there is a mourner
She knows who it was in the back of her mind
I think you should take out the second "she knows"
But does she really want to know?
Really good...don't change that!
There are sudden flashbacks in her mind
that I hope you wouldn't know
The pain and torment that she felt
She tried to save her child but in the end
She had only one alternative
Change to:
Flashblacks
Playing suddenly in her mind
I hope you won't know
The pain and torment she felt
She tried to save her child
But in the end
She only had one alernative.
And puhleeeeez take out that smily!

Okay, okay. Point taken. Thanks for the review too, I will look into it. The smiley is now dead. sorry just had to do that
-Nikki

Nikki wrote:She sits alone rocking in the corner
Trying to remember what happened to her
She knows now why there is a mourner

i liked thses first three lines, kinda makes me wonder what it is all about that makes me read on

Nikki wrote:She knows who it was in the back of her mind
But does she really want to know?
Inside it feels hot and humid
Outside down comes the snow
There are sudden flashbacks in her mind
that I hope you wouldn't know
The pain and torment that she felt
She tried to save her child but in the end
She had only one alternative

it was those last lines that kidna dissapointed me, while reading it seemed kinda rushed, as if you were in a hurry to wrap up the poem, so maybe those loast two lines could add a bit more flow like the rest of lines did in the poem.
good job though, i did enjoy it, keep up the good work.

Good job,that's a relly sad story and makes you want to hear the whole thing.
Just a few nit picks.
Add periods at the ends of sentances, I did see one question mark.
And change the letters at the beging acordingly to the sentances.

HI! I really liked this poem but I was dissapointed with the last two lines, they don't flow well with the rest of the poem. Consider rewording those.

Overall, interesting work.

Trying to remember what happened to her

She knows now why there is a mourner

In my opinion these flowed pretty well.


This was kind of short! Maybe you could write a few more lines onto this? It would be cool to see what you could come up with.

(P.S. This was my first review evah! )


--Kid--

Quite good, though improvements can be made in the rhyme of this poem. The start flows alright but it doesn't flow as well after the first 4 lines.

Excellent though how it conveys the feelings. It felt quite haunting.

--Knightly

This was posted in 2005. The author has undoubtably moved on.

Please do not resurrect posts.

*locked*

-Kylan