Deadwood

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Hey there Erica! June here!

When I read the title of this, I was totally expecting something like writing deadwood (you know when there's too much excessive words?) .

Anyway! This brings to mind the TV series Deadwood, that I think was on HBO or something? Let's get on with this review.



This first bit carries a bit of deadwood (no pun intended). I think that some of this can be left behind, because it's not really adding much substantial information to the poem, dear.

Take a drive back through time

to the last bit of wild west left

[s]in this new time U.S.A.[/s]

[s]Take a[/s] step into the old saloon

to see Wild Bill Hitchcock shot.

Then follow me to the courthouse;

there is a trail for his murder tonight,

watch as Jane makes a calamity of it all

So! Here's why I did this:

• in this new time U.S.A is really not necessary at all in this poem, dear. It is already implied that this Wild West is extinct, so telling us "in this new time" is really confusing us. It's almost sounding like you're telling us to go view a reconstructed old west of some sort.

• In the line that follows that one, I crossed out "Take a" because it's sounding repetitive, seeing that you used "take" at the beginning. Repetition isn't bad! It just sounds as if we can eliminate this part because there is no other spot where such repetition occurs, dear.


• In that same line, I crossed out "the". The wild west had many, many saloons, dearie. I think that "the" can be appropriately changed to "an", this way you're not directing us to a particular one.

• Also! I underlined "shot", because I'm not at all sure if that's supposed to be shot or shoot.


Throw some punctuation in there as well, dear. We can benefit greatly from it.


Moving on!

Walk down streets of brick.

Careful which lane you walk down,

there’s to be a shootout at noon

There’s no mall for miles around,

but history is embedded in the ground

Now this is raising a bit of confusion, dearie. In the old west, I seldom hear of brick streets? I always imagined and heard it to be dust roads everywhere, no brick at all.

Nevertheless, I'm not too sure that the wording of that first line is working quite nicely with the rest of the poem. I think you can reconstruct it to be more creative sounding.

• Second line! This repetition of "walk" also is stumbling the flow of the poem. Perhaps replace it with a synonym; stroll, tread, or even use a bigger word such as explore.

Put on your petticoats and cowboy hat

If you would,

and travel back in time

to a place called Deadwood.

Now this is a nitpick! I think that "Put on" should be replaced with "Don", because in the old times, it was far more common for people to say "don" rather than put on.

- * -

I want you to pay attention to your line beginnings and punctuation. In some places, you begin a line with a capital letter, and in other places you don't. Pay attention to that, dear.

As for punctuation, I noticed you used some commas throughout. Pay attention, and throw some periods and semicolons in there.

All of that to say! This was a wonderful step back in time, dear. Very creative of you. Great job, and keep up the great poetry.


^_^ Juniper

Geez, June, leave a little reviewing for the rest of us! Just kidding!

Anyway, ignore the fact that Juniper has given you a review for the time being. I'm going to give you a review, Claery-style.

Take a drive back through time
to the last bit of wild west left
[s]in this new time U.S.A.[/s] Take this out. for one it creates problems for the flow of the poem, and also it's confusing to the rest of us.
[s]Take a[/s] step into the old saloon Too repetitive.
to see Wild Bill Hitchcock shot. Is this "shot" or "shoot"? ^^
Then follow me to the courthouse
there is a trail for his murder tonight,
watch as Jane makes a calamity of it all

Walk down streets of brick. Brick? I didn't realize they had brick back then. And brick streets sounds kind of weird, no offense.
Careful which lane you walk down,
there’s to be a shootout at noon
There’s no mall for miles around,
but history is embedded in the ground Why do these lines rhyme when the rest don't?

Put on your petticoats and cowboy hat Despite what June said, I think saying "put on" is better for the flow of the poem than saying "don" is. Even if it is what they would normally have said back then.
If you would,
and travel back in time
to a place called Deadwood. My favorite part. XD

That basically says it all, or all I can think of. Hope this helps!

~Claery

I put brick because the first time I went to Deadwood they had some brick streets, the rest are tar and it takes away from the poem. It is shot because I'm talking about the reinactment of Hitchock's death, which occurs in the most unmodernized saloon in town.