Jas's Attempts at Poetic Form

Poem 28

Splodge
*submitting*

I'm going to count them by poem number so 6 is the one you wrote on April 4th and I'll go from there:

6. I love the format you've chosen and the only line I have question with is the last. I think the repetition of that is what bugs me about it, I'd like it to be a firmer statement, a sort of stand alone line if you will.

7. I like it but I think I'd like to see you try and write it in free verse. It feels strained.

8. Awww, very cute Jas. I love it.

9. No need for apologies, I think you did an excellent job. The wording is very beautiful and it flows nicely =)

10. One of your strongest personas so far, this one's really sad and sweet and the repetition is very effective.

11. I didn't really like this one, it's two short for there to be a real feeling of what it's about and there's something about the rhyming that annoys me. Sorry XD

12. If only I could understand the languages without need for translation. Lovely, Jas. I think this is one of my favourites.

13. I'd have liked this one to be longer and more free so that you could expand on the reasons behind the persona's desire to be taught.

14. This one is good, I particularly like how it ends and the speech helps to accomodate the reader with the persona.

15. I liked it =)

16 and 17. You know my opinion on Haiku so it isn't really fair for me to comment. For Haiku, they are good, for poetry, they lack substance.

18. Perfect. I love what it says and how it's said, very well put together.

19. This one is wonderful, it flows so smoothly and the persona's voice is very strong and easy to relate to in a 'should not like her but do' sort of way. Four is my favourite stanza because that really does show the core of your persona's character.

20. It's a good effort but I think it's too forced. You have some nice lines and it's a tricky form to write in but there's not enough meaning or flow for me to rate it higher.

21. Cute. I like it.

22. I'm unsure about this one. I like the tone and most of the words but I'm not sure that I understand everything it tries to say. I think here your mind evades me but what I can read in it, I like.

23. It's okay but not your best.

24. Ah, darkly amusing, easy to relate to. I really like this one, I probably shouldn't smile but I think we've all been there to some extent.

25. I'm not as fond on the first stanza but I like the second.

26. I like this one, the flow is very strong and builds up to the ending nicely.

27. It's nice but I think the

c
a
p
s
i
z
e

doesn't add anything.

28. I love the reference to how people feel about babies on the bus but other than that, it's quite an ordinary poem.


You're amazing, my love. Not only are you ahead but they're of good quality too and if there was ever an award for trying different formats, you deserve it. I'll admit I don't love them all but I love more of yours than I love of mine and I think you're doing excellent =)

Thanks Kit. Have to go to lecture in five so I haven't read your comments yet!

29.

Coffee and Tiramasu

*submitting*

Jas,

Give Me Back My Classroom Chant wrote:But, outside out pretty, breathless hive,
new structures lie-
and maybe the exes are
the best ones to
our new-probation-friends,
and Sandra really does
look fat in that, and should be told
for her own good,
and Cathy is never, never right,
and probationee must
readjust her sight,

and friends forever is not
eveyone's aim.

In The Playground wrote:and you picked up speed, waiting to be caught.
I stretched my arms out, and then I stepped back-
much easier to tell you I forgot.
You hit the ground with a sickening "thwack."

I hold hands with swing chains.

Petals wrote:Newly laced with dried up blades of grass
I hold you tighter, I've stolen your hat.
I'm sure that seconds cannot pass.
Will someone tell the seasons that?

I hold you tighter, I've stolen your hat.
You tickle me, I try squirming away.
Will someone tell the seasons that
I really want my darling Spring to stay?


You tickle me, I try squirming away.
Your shoulder protects me from the sun's glare.
I really want my darling Spring to stay.
The petals are falling into my hair.

I <3 pantoums.

Bluebottle wrote:I can feel your fracturing legs
trying to defile my neck,
each step measured.
How I loathe you.

Parasol wrote:
I've propped my red parasol up on my chair.
The light laps across it, sweet gold on the black
perhaps-Asian patterns, because now I can
think of you as someone who liked me
and wasn't quite sure as to how I felt,
who knew me not two months
before Christmas came round

and I can wed that to you
bus escort, support,
book-sale-scouring buddy,
with your long fingers and
your freckle constellation
and frequent smile...and I

am happy now.

Splodge wrote:
Hush. Into the playhouse I creep, I creep.
You and your siblings nestle in the back
with your light-wary eyes and your minuscule paws;

I hold you, tiny, tiny thing
as mammy rushes in and stalks
around my legs, protect, protect.
And, I think that this is what
others feel when they see babies on the bus,
this love of you, as I carefully stroke your back
and hear you mew.

Oh, little thing, I cannot bear to leave
you, where I'm not, now I've stroked your head.
And still I leave you in the playhouse

Coffee and Tiramasu wrote:Your pale blue eyes are gleaming
but your fingers look quite sad,
languidly lain on the table,
seeking my own sweating hand.
My nails end three quarters up
your fingers.

All this up in here is great.

Cal.

Poem 30:

*submitting*