a darker piece

“The Beast's Appeasement”

A simple word a simple phrase could sooth this tempered soul.
Instead silence replaces where sympathy should stand.
The sympathy is then reversed now from me to you.
Why should I grieve for something that I plainly deserved to do.
I was raised to know wrong from right and I don’t condone my response.
Yet still the justification increases as I wonder through my thoughts.
This is just one more thing to add to the stash; this has happened more than once.
Cutting through my skin, my thoughts, my hates, and all my wants.
Your every movement your every action seems no effect to have.
However slowly each one just adds another stab.
Behind the white visage at which you most obviously stare lies an unrelenting beast who
Has been taunted….


The Beast grows ever slowly which each more push or prod, growing ever more powerful
To break through the gates to which it is bound
Once the lock is broken it will overwhelm, taking down whoever lies in its path.
You’d better run, you’d better hide before it comes down upon you with its flaming,
Raging eyes from the pits of hell and its stone cold heart which near to none can thaw,
The Beast pierces into the core of your soul.
The talons tear it apart until there is nothing but an empty hole.
The weight will crush your bones into a fine powder with your skull collapsing on your Brain
Your screams will not be heard as you try to yell Louder and LOUDER!
There will be nothing, you will be nothing,
All that is left is your melting corpse inside the belly of The Beast.


Do not fret however.
There is a way to survive.
Very simple, a mere phrase. All you need to do is…
Apologize….
and never forget to respect the one who contains it.

Hey there Hormello, welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you, adding in my comments and suggestions. However, before I do, I want to point out that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, meaning that before you post one piece of your work, you should have completed two reviews prior to your submission. Please complete two reviews as soon as you can to make up for this.

Now, let's begin.

The first thing that I noticed about this was it's lack of punctuation. I know that many of your lines end in periods, and a few even end with ellipsis's, but I feel that this needs more. I think that your lines should be broken up with commas in a few places, because without them, the lines seem to be faulty and rather run-on-ish, so! Throwing in a few commas would do this poem wonders. I'm not going to nitpick on that, but I will point out what I mean in one of the first lines:

A simple word a simple phrase could sooth this tempered soul.

It reads kind of rushed, dear, and I feel that with a comma in this line, you would have a better chance at conveying your thoughts to your audience.

A simple word, a simple phrase could sooth this tempered soul.

Now! I understand that it's wonderful to play around with punctuation (either the overdoing or lack of it) in poetry for cool stylistic effects-- I just feel that lines of this sort should be more in-line with the punctuation rules for sentences, merely because they are long.


I also feel that you needn't bring us to so many full stops! End some of your lines in semicolons and commas; don't feed us periods and periods alone. Variation is a wonderful thing in poetry, and it will work wonders on this, dear.

One nitpick about your punctuation though. I noticed that when you use an ellipsis, you follow it with a period. Drop the period! An ellipsis is three dots-- no more, no less. The period can go on vacation.

Moving on! I really enjoyed the theme of this. From what I have grasped, it seems as if the characteristic focus of this is one who obviously did wrong, and turned into a monster of some sort. It really brought Beauty and the Beast to mind.

I like how you wrote it simplistically. Your lines were "easy English"; you refrained from using many big words and intricate terms-- and while I think that big words and intricate terms would have made this more artsy, I love that you didn't use them.


On the whole, brilliant job with this, dear. Keep up the fabulous work, and welcome to YWS.

I love the way you started out running through the thoughts in you're head and it was pretty calm, then you suddenly became violent in you're wording and the feeling and pace of the poem completly changed. Then suddenly you go back to being calm and simple. And the way you arranged the lines to show this difference is very creative. very well done.
The message and story you're giving us is practically screamed across the page.
Good Job!

Welcome to The Young Writers' Society Jordan.

Whatever your decision, be sure it is based upon true values and not stained by meager and weak intentions. I leave you to your own.


PaperMoon