Who are you?

Who are you?

I see you there
Always at the back
Hiding your face in the shadows
Of the people who you follow
You stand there
Trying to fit in with everyone
As the crowd changes
So do you
Just to fit in
Can you honestly tell me who you are?
Do u even know?
Are you really my friend?
Or am I just another part of your confusion?

I have known you for so long!
Yet not at all…
Who are you?
You do things against your own beliefs
Just to fit in!
You lie uncontrollably, hurt people
Just to fit in!
So tell me…is it worth it?
Is it? Because I am confused
And frankly, I’m tried of trying to work it out
Go and figure out who are
Then maybe you could come back and tell me.

Who are you?



I see you there

Always at the back

Hiding your face in the shadows

Of the people who you follow

(Here, I might cut the “who”)

You stand there

Trying to fit in with everyone

(I might cut, “with everyone.”)

As the crowd changes

So do you

Just to fit in

Can you honestly tell me who you are?

Do u even know?

(Why U? seriously, text speak is not approved of on YWS!)

Are you really my friend?

Or am I just another part of your confusion?



I have known you for so long!

Yet not at all…

(dislike the ellipsis)

Who are you?

You do things against your own beliefs

Just to fit in!

You lie uncontrollably, hurt people

Just to fit in!

So tell me…is it worth it?

Is it? Because I am confused

And frankly, I’m tried of trying to work it out

Go and figure out who are

Then maybe you could come back and tell me.


A thought: When you repeat, “Who are you?” in Stanza 2, I might make it stand alone, like a mini Stanza all by itself. Would be an interesting variation on structure.

Hmmm.

I’m not a poetry buff, I’m wrestling with Yeats just now, but overall, this left me a little cold. (sorry.) Your structure is pedestrian, I don’t like the questions and the exclamation marks. This is frustration over not knowing who this person is, right, but why is your narrator frustrated? You say, “are you my friend,” but I don’t understand why this character could be called a friend if there is so much tension. You could make the mystery character beautiful, or something, in the first stanza, and then I might get it, but for now…

Please forgive me

Hey, Samsal! ^^ I saw that your poem only had one review, and I came to fix that! Bear with me, please. I'm going to refer to this character you're talking about as a 'she'. although of course they could be either gender.

First of all, I think it might be to your benefit to take this blob of ideas and seperate it with a couple more stanzas, just to make it appear a bit more organized and reasonable. These two large stanzes do work, technically, but I think the thoughts might come across better with a more concrete structure.

Do u even know?

Eek! Stop right there! Using chatspeak, especially in posted writing, is on of YWS's ultimate evils. So. Just change that 'u' to a 'you', and you'll be all set!

Or am I just another part of your confusion?

I like this line a lot. It gives this mystery person another dimension-- not just weak, and not just someone who can't find themselves amidst the crowd, but also someone who's drowning in their own confusion.

Rythym & Rhyming

This mainly has a very loose, unstructured rhythm, which I think works well enough for the emotions and words you're trying to convey. I think it would have been interesting to establish some sort of rhyme along with this idea, but since you've already written it free-form, I will not suggest you scrap the whole thing and add rhyming.

Word Choice

So, love, this is where I'm going to get a little picky. I don't think you chose words that really draw in readers or make them terribly interested in what you have to say. For example, let's say I'm telling you about a girl who cries a lot. Which of these two stanzas appeal more to your senses? Which one helps you imagine this girl better? Which one leaves you feeling sympathetic for you, and which one isn't very interesting?

She sits in the corner and cries
with tears of sadness that never stop
and as I watch her I want to know
what is she so sad about?

-or-

The twinkle in her eyes is diluted
by the ceaseless flow of tears.
The misery plays out on her face
like a symphony sorrows and woes.

The second one, right? That's probably because of the variation within it: there's a simile, some larger words with deeper meaning, some imagery that can help you imagine her pain. It described not with a bland, nondescriptive bundle of letters on a page, but a more cohesive and inetresting collaboration of thoughts, emotions, and words.

As readers, we need that extra help to imagine your characters. If all you give us to go by is that she doesn't know who she is and loses herself within a crowd, then our image of her isn't concrete enough for us to really care about her problems. Tell us about how her will is as fragile as paper, unable to withstand the current that's pulling her along for the ride without giving her any say in the matter. Tell us about the way she curls up inside of herself, seeking the last protection left to her in such a world.

Second stanza

I like the last two sentences a lot, where you instruct this person to go discover themselves. However, everything else in that second stanza is a little empty, you know? You used words without much passion, without much emotion. Why say, "You lie uncontrollably, hurt people" when you can say, "Your lies are your only defense; they cut like glass"? Make sure you're using interesting phrases, other than the usual, "You liar, I hate you" sort of thing. Not that you used that, of course.

I like the repetition of "Just to fit in". Repetition is a great tool to use in poetry, especially when it's delivered after some really passionate lines. I think if you add some variation to the rest of the poem, the repetition, last lines, and that nice one I mentioned earlier will really tie well together.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything! ^^

~Evi