I am the wild horse

I'm still working on making my poems more consistent, but I tried to make it as formal as I could without completely changing my original draft.

I am the wild horse
Trapped in the barn
I will not be ridden
I will not be braned

Silly child,
Why do you scream?
Don’t you realize I could hurt you?
Hurt you, maim you, kill you?

I could make hate radiate through you
You don’t understand me
And neither do I
But I do know how bad I could make you hurt inside

You think you can tame me?
Ha, you make me laugh
At the silly dreams
That you have.

Crazy child,
You don’t understand
The damage I can do
Can do, have done, will do.

You’re a silly little thing
Why do you try to control me?
Do you really think you are strong?
No one can defy me.

Stop with your desperate attempts
They’ll only get you hurt
Put the whip away,
it will do you not good.

For I am the wild horse
trapped in the barn
I want to be ridden
I want to be tamed
And for this I forever know shame

This is really interesting. I love how you put forward the horse's persona. It's also effective how you make the poem circular by linking the end to the beginning, and the last line is very powerful.
The rhythm is a little jerky, especially in stanzas two and three. I'd try reading this aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it sounds.
Other than that, this was very fresh and I really enjoyed it.
Jas

In the second stanza, I believe that the child's "scream" is confusing, and the stanza would flow better if you exchanged that word with "laugh" or something simillar. In the third stanza i would advise deleting the word "inside", because a horse could hurt someone physically, not mentally, plus deleting the word would shorten the line and make it flow better. Stanza five is a little repetitive and could be deleted to make the poem more concise. As for the last stanza, it was alright although a little confusing because it contradicts everything else the horse says. I might consider adding another stanza to describe the horses indecision and longing to be tamed.

Thanks for the reviews guys.
I understand how some of the peom cvould be a little confusing because the poem is not talking about an actual horse it's a metaphor for myself and the way I feel towards a certain person.

I hope that helps you understand it a little better.

KissKiss08 wrote:I'm still working on making my poems more consistent, but I tried to make it as formal as I could without completely changing my original draft.

Formal? As in...? It doesn't rhyme or have consistent syllables or even rigid repetition, so I don't know what you mean by this (not that individuality in poetry is a bad thing; in fact, its usually the best kind of poetry)

I am the wild horse
Trapped in the barn
I will not be ridden
I will not be braned

Braned is not a word; I'm assuming you mean branded. Either way, this is off to a poor start because it sounds arrogant. "Look at me! I'm talking about myself! Self-reflection hung out for the world to see!"

Just a tip - it generally doesn't bode well if a poet starts talking about him/herself as if everybody immediately cares. A few great poets manage to do this. Unfortunately, you're not one of them.

Silly child,
Why do you scream?
Don’t you realize I could hurt you?
Hurt you, maim you, kill you?

Silly is such a bland word for the macabre words that follow. It sound juvenile and laughable, probably the opposite of the effect you were aiming for. Change it to something more powerful.

The last lines are weak and pointless. You repeat hurt for some reason, which does nothing for the poem, and then top it off with the words "maim" and "kill". To achieve a crescendo with these descriptions, they need to be progressively more emotive. Maim does fit this, but "kill" is colorless.

I could make hate radiate through you
You don’t understand me
And neither do I
But I do know how bad I could make you hurt inside

You strike the reader out of nowhere with the "I don't understand myself" bit. Where does this come from? Why is it in the middle of a seemingly unrelated scene? Even if it does subtly make sense, it sticks out badly aesthetically and thematically disrupts the flow of the poem.

You think you can tame me?
Ha, you make me laugh
At the silly dreams
That you have.

Your reader isn't stupid. You don't need to say "Ha" and then "you make me laugh". Yes, we understand as soon as you say "ha". Again, replace "silly" with something else.

Crazy child,
You don’t understand
The damage I can do
Can do, have done, will do.

Last line sounds tacky. It could work if you just repeated "can do" again but you don't need that other stuff afterwards. It makes it sound corny, but that's a strictly subjective opinion, so take it as you may.

You’re a silly little thing
Why do you try to control me?
Do you really think you are strong?
No one can defy me.

Why do you have this obsession with the word "silly"? Before you try to revive this poem at all, replace all those "silly"s with something of a little more substance and maturity.

Stop with your desperate attempts
They’ll only get you hurt
Put the whip away,
it will do you not good.

For I am the wild horse
trapped in the barn
I want to be ridden
I want to be tamed
And for this I forever know shame

It ended with a whimper, not a bang. Near the end, especially the second to last stanza, you abandoned all attempts to try to inject it with creativity and imagery and instead resorted to just talking and talking and talking at the reader. Not good. Imagery is your number one priority in the ending, and honestly, in the whole poem, as it severely is lacking in that department.

I found the theme shallow - you're the horse and the person talking to you is either society, a person near you, or your own inner demons - and it comes off as the most obvious thing in the world. Simplistic. Don't try so hard to prove to us who each speaker is and what their roles are. Overall, it's just really boring and doesn't make the reader think, which every good poem should do. May your next piece be much improved, good luck.

Hope that helped.

I actually liked that poem and right now I'm wondering if I'm really simplistic of mind or if those other people are wrong.

Not every poem has to be complicated and have imagery saturated into every line, but that's just my opinion.

"I am the wild horse

Trapped in the barn

I will not be ridden

I will not be braned"

I think the first stanza is good. Although it could do with some more punctuation and I'm not sure about 'braned'. But it makes you think. A horse?

"Silly child,
Why do you scream?
Don’t you realize I could hurt you?
Hurt you, maim you, kill you?"

I like the use of silly child here, it adds to the feeling. I'm not sure how the screaming fits in with the rest though? But I like the repetition in the last line of the stanza.

I'm sorry that I don't have the time to review the rest right now. But I think that with some more punctuation and maybe one or two words taken out, this could be a grade A poem. Don't worry right now it's a B+

But I like it, I really do.
Kudos to you (Y) and keep writing.

KissKiss08 wrote:
I'm still working on making my poems more consistent, but I tried to make it as formal as I could without completely changing my original draft.

Formal? As in...? It doesn't rhyme or have consistent syllables or even rigid repetition, so I don't know what you mean by this: kind of poetry)

I understand that it does not have consistent syllables and it doesn't have a set rhyme scheme, That's is the reason I said That I am trying to work on it. But thank you for pointing that out to me anyway.

Quote:
I am the wild horse
Trapped in the barn
I will not be ridden
I will not be braned


Braned is not a word; I'm assuming you mean branded. Either way, this is off to a poor start because it sounds arrogant. "Look at me! I'm talking about myself! Self-reflection hung out for the world to see!"

Sorry for my incorrect grammar, I guess it sounded better to me at the time.
I don't understand The "look at me! I'm talking about myself!" bit , But this is a poem about myself, how you came up with that conclusion though the first stanza I'm not sure.

Just a tip - it generally doesn't bode well if a poet starts talking about him/herself as if everybody immediately cares. A few great poets manage to do this. Unfortunately, you're not one of them.

I don't expect for everyone to immediately care. I wrote this to express myself, not to impress the public.
And again, I am well aware that I am not a great poet, thank you again for pointing out the obvious.

Honestly I would go through and defend my poem against your countless insults but I don't feel like wasting anymore of my time.

I appreciate you taking the time to review my poem, and I would appreciate harsh criticism, but honestly I found your review far more insulting that helpful, So you could have saved yourself some time.