Let me be {1}

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*So, here's chapter one! Took me long enough. Anyway, I ask you to read the prologue before, ok? Oh and the *--* thingy, is to separate the POV's. If anyone has a more effective way, please notify me*

Let me be
Chapter 1
By Kat

My eyes were distracted by Callie, who was babbling about how my mother would go crazy if she knew what I was doing. I nodded, but I still played around a bit, laughing. The boy played a high, awful note, that clearly did not fit the previous melody, and stared at me furiously.
"Wow, if looks could kill..." I whispered. He stood up, and walked away, into a parallel street, covered by shadows.
"Were we too loud?" Callie asked, as the responsible girl she was. She also saw the boy's reaction, not as meticulously as me, but she still noticed him.
The boy could only stand out when closely observed. He hid himself under shadows. He wanted to ran low, I guess. When I couldn't see him anymore, I sighed. He was sad, and mad at the world. Life is short, my friend.
"I should now," I mumbled. Callie helped me out of the water, and I suggested sitting at the spot the boy was. It seemed pleasant. I waited, a bit anxiously, I must admit. He didn't come back, and I was disappointed. Eventually, I had to go home. I walked the familiar road with a certain frustrated feeling; he was just a rude boy, anyway. Callie walked me to my parents house.
I lived in Italy. My dad owned a company, and we were pretty rich, due to his high salary. Our small mansion was in a small town, about forty miles from Turin, in the north of the country. We had moved there when I was four. We previously lived in London. The house's walls were made with red brick, with big transparent spots all over them. My mother loved clarity, so we had lots of windows. The front garden, was, as always, well taken care of. It has my mother's hobby. The grass had a strong green colour, as everything in this time of the year, and when we first walked in, you could easily notice the bright colored spots all over. My mother loved flowers. I liked them too. Pretty on the eyes, like a perfume on the noise. Wow, that sounded bad. The path from the gate continued until we reached a little roundabout, in front of the black front door. That was where my dad would leave the car, when he'd come from work, and then Marcus, a servant, would go park it in garage. When I was little, I used to sit be the window and wait until the mysterious black car would drive in. At that time, I would jump up and ran to my dad. He would take me in his arms and spin me around, smiling.
When we reached the gate, I asked Pasquale, politely, to open it. He smiled and clicked on the button that opened the six metres gate.
I walked in, passing through my dad's cars. He loved them. Sometimes, on summer's vacations or weekends, I'd find him polishing them up. I wondered why he wouldn't just ask someone else to do it, maybe Marcus or Riccardio. But he would say, "No, Ella. I'll do it." And his eyes would sparkle a little, and he would smile. I helped him, from now and then, but it was a bit boring.
Callie lived with us. Her mother was a single mom, and she died when Callie was five. Mrs. Conti was a close friend to my parents, and as Callie had no other family, she handed her custody to my parents.
Dinner was quick, and I went to bed earlier, because I had a headache. I fell asleep in a matter of minutes.
My eyes opened suddenly, and I breathed heavily. Had I just dreamed of that boy?
I was sitting under a tree. Its branches were twisted and shaped very differently, with bright green leaves falling out. He was a few steps away, damned by the hot bright light. I was comfortably resting in the shades, and he looked at me with an indecipherable expression. The swift breeze passed by, agitating my hair and his. I opened my arms, in a gesture of more than friendship.
"Walk on over, to this bit of shade. I'll wrap you in my arms."
He walked, reluntantly, to me, and we laid in an unbreakable embraced.
I decided to get a glass of water; my head was spinning around with the damn dream. As I put my feet on the ground, I didn't felt the familiar hardwood floor, but soft small grains.
"Sand?" It was warm and shaped my feet; it felt nice. The sound of waves faded in slowly, and it was delightful. I looked up to see the lazy waves of the ocean kissing the shore. An urge to dive in the sea, came upon me, and I walked through the sand, accelerating my pace as I got closer. I bumped into something invisible. I couldn't transpose it, and out of nothing, it all faded away. I was in my room, standing in the doorway.
Hallucination, it had happened to me before. First on woods, then on the mall. I hadn't told anyway, It just made my decease more real, and I didn't wanted anyone to worry more than they did already. I walked quickly to the kitchen to get my glass of water.

*----*

The sun kissed my cheeks, and the skin of my arms were embraced in warmth.. The rest of my body hid in the shade of a tree, it's branches embezzled with green leaves. The limestone of the small wall I was sitting on, was cold and white, passing a cool sensation through my body.
I touched the guitar strings, thoughtful. A long low note echoed through the air, while I considered what to play. The people around me were loud, always chatting, and the annoying incensing noise of the foot steps on the path irritated me, making it impossible to concentrate on anything. I closed my eyes, and saw only my guitar, in the darkness that surrounded me. I was inside my mind.
The tips of my fingers knew the guitar inside out, so it wasn't hard to start playing with my eyes closed. Just my guitar, and the vibrations of the chords running through me. Long minutes passed on and I played the sad melody, over and over again. It reminded me of cold, rainy days. Which, didn't fit the day at all, bot who cares. It's not like anyone would listen.
I opened my eyes, confident that I would be able to play out of my mind. The outside noises lowered a bit, but loud laughs were heard. I stared at the girls, making a big fuzz, not even noticing that they could have been interrupting other people. A girl was in a fountain. Where's her manners? I thought. I got up, and went to my street. It seems the small square was too populated for me. The street was covered in shadows, as it was in most parts of the day. I lived on the first floor of a ancient house. The small town had a lot of old buildings like mine. The keys twisted in my head, and I walked in the building, still a bit horrified for the lack of good behaviour of that ignorant girl.
The inside of the building was fresh, due to the small exposition to the sun. I laid on my bed, and realized I was tired. I was sick of being in this small, stupid town. Like a little bird on a cage. Nah, that comparison is stupid. Like a prisoner in a cell, I guess. I turned my black iPod nano on, and fell asleep listening to music.
Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:00 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Hiya Kat :) This is Dreamwalker with a review :). And it looks to be the first review so far, of course if no one else is doing this at the same time as me.. Okay, so time to start.

My critiquing first goes into the critique itself then I'll comment on Grammer and Punctuation, Characters, Setting, Plot, and then my overall. Okay so one with my review :).

Critique

I nodded, but I still played around a bit, laughing out loud.


I'm pretty sure we all realize that this character, when it says laughing, is actually laughing out loud. No need to specify it for it makes it sound very... well very msn lingoish.

The boy played a high awful note, that clearly did not fit the previous melody, and stared at me furiously.


Should be a comma after 'high'.

He stood up, and walked away, walking into a parallel street, covered by shadows.


Try not using the same word in one sentence unless it's absolutely necessary. Instead of writing 'walking' try 'strolled' or 'his pace quicked as he'. Something a little less redundant.

He hid himself under shadows. He wanted to ran low, I guess. When he I couldn't see him anymore, I sighed.


I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do with the sentence... in for the most part it's just too confusing for me to really help out with it. Reread your work, the reread it aloud to see if everything flows and fits. This definitly does not.

It seemed pleasant.I waited, a bit anxiously, I must admit.


There should be a space between the period and the 'I'.

and I was disappointed.Eventually,


Again, another problem with your period's.

I walked the fmailiar road with a certain indifference feeling;


Fmailiar should be familiar. Spelling mistakes and grammer issues are something you must grasp hold of. When I say reread, it's very very important, kay? Also, the feeling behind indifference cuts off the flowing. Indifference is more of it's own emotion and you should let it stand alone.

Our small mansion was on a small town,


The 'on' should be an 'in'.

Callie walked me to my parents house.
I lived in Italy. My dad owned a company, and we were pretty rich, due to his high salary. Our small mansion was on a small town, about forty miles from Turin, in the north of the country. We had move there when I was four. We previously lived in London.


This is very 'tell' and not 'show'. We want you to show us the beautiful mansion, show us the emotions and such things. Dont just tell us that she lived in a mansion for it's uninteresting and tends to lag. Info dump would be the word for it.

We had move there when I was four.


I believe 'move' should be 'moved'.

about my fun bath at the fountain, as I was dry.


There is an added space between the comma and 'as' that shouldnt be there.

I tried to keep everyone happy.


How... mary-sue. Your character is sounding fairly static so far, but I wont get into that much until the end of the chapter.

I asked Pasquale, politely, to open the gate. He smiled and clicked on the button that opened the six metres gate


The word gate feels a little redundant. Try using a different word for it.

Every man loves his cars


You must be very very careful about steriotypes. This one... well this one is one you should definitly not be playing and people get pretty annoyed with such things. My own dad hates cars, while my older sister is a mechanic which sort of shows that not every man loves them. Be careful with that, kay?

Her mother, Mrs. Conti, was a close friend to my parents,


Try specifying that Mrs. Conti is Callie's grandmother cause it almost sounds like Mrs. Callie is her mother which wouldnt make any sense.

I feel asleep in a matter of minutes.


Feel should be fell.

Had I just dreamed with that boy?


This should either be 'Had I just dreamed of that boy?' or 'Had I just dreamed about that boy?'

The shift breeze passed by,


Am I correct in my assumption as shift should be swift?

He walked to me, and we laid in an unbreakable hug.


This is a quick nit-pick. Try using the word embrace for 'hug' sounds very childish.

It was warm and shaped my feet, transmitting pleasuring feelings.


In the words of Simon 'That sounds kinky'. XD. Sorry, couldn't resist.

The sound of waves approximated me slowly


The waves are estimated her? I'm not quite sure you picked the proper word for this bit.

An urge to dive in the sea, came upon me, and I walked through the sand, accelerating my pace as I got closer.


This sort of makes your character an airhead in my books. I would be literally freaking out if I woke up in a whole new world, let alone thinking 'oh I want to swim!'. Honestly, it doesnt seem like the right sort of action for a normal person to take.

standing on the doorway.


I'm sure this should be 'standing in' not 'standing on'.

I suspected it was an hallucination, and I walked quickly to the kitchen to get my glass of water.


So quick to make assumptions. It feels as if your character is now fairly ignorant as well as airheaded.

and my arms skin embraced the warmth.


This would sound more proffessional if it was 'The skin of my arms were embraced in warmth.'

The rest of my body hid in the shades of a tree,


I would write 'shade' not 'shades'.

and the annoying incensing noise of the foot steps on the path irritated me


There should be a comma between annoying and incensing. Also, the word incensing doesnt seem to fit this sentence. I dont think you quite got the right word for the position.

Grammer and Punctuation

Okay so I saw you had a few difficulties with redundancy, a few missing comma's, and a few mispelled words. Nothing to harsh but it would be best if you reread your work a little bit and tried to spot these little details out. The reader catches onto these things and is easily annoyed. They arent stupid that is, and you'll come to realise it.

Characters

Your two character POV's were much the same. The same tone, same sort of way of thinking. If you're going to have these in two different POV's then you have to be really willing to give your characters some flaws and such things that will make their personalities different. If not, you'll end up with two of the same character, no matter how different they are from eachother. Also, the little actions in which they do goes to prove if someone will like them or not as a person. These characters are letting their inner thoughts be known, and as a reader, we are trying to connect.

When you make your character sound amazing, and then have little things like pigheadedness and ignorance play out in their actions, it shows the reader how fake the character feels. Be careful and plan out your characters personality to match up with the choices and decisions they make.

Setting

Your descriptions felt a little repetitive throughout the work, but the scene kept jumping here and there that I kept finding myself getting lost throughout the work. You have to really show people what you want to get across and how to fix things up the best way you can. Really give it an added 'umph'.

Plot

I didnt see much more plot showing up in this piece quite yet, and for the most part, as was with the setting, it jumped around quite frequently. Dont confuse your reader and stick to one thing for a bit before jumping off to the next.

Overall

I liked it. It was cute, and interesting, and all though it jumped quite a bit and there was a few grammatical errors throughout, I can see a lot of potential with this work. Keep up the interesting ideas and really make your characters personalities shine. Let's not have any Mary-Sue's kay?

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Thanks dream! Did you read the prologue first? It explains some things.
Many thanks for the very detailed helpful review!
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Hello, darling! So sorry this took forever to review! *feels bad* Anyway, onto the critique!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

My eyes were distracted [s]to[/s]by Callie, who was babbling about how my mother would go crazy if she knew what I was doing.


He didn't [s]came[/s] come back, [<---Watch those typos, darling! I spotted a few more throughout the story.] and I was disappointed.


It [s]remembered[/s]reminded me of cold, rainy days.



Language Usage & Writing Style: I have a suggestion for changing POVs. Why not include the characters' names, so we know who's POV it is? This would help a lot!

I thought, as Dreamer noted, there wasn't enough contrast in the characters' thoughts. This goes into their personalities, as well. I see the boy having a deeper, more serious tone and outlook, while Ella as a care-free girl who's trying to live life happily before her impending death. These personalities should be apparent. Work to create a better tone for your story and contrast the two POVs a bit more.

And, I'd like to see the dream in italicized font. It would just look better. :)


Imagery & Emotion: Ooh, nice bits of imagery in here, darling! Just be careful to avoid info dumps. When you explained the house, I think you gave us a little more to bite than we could chew, ya? Watch out for such things! :D
I do like your imagery, though. You included a lot of what I look for in pieces. Although, you could be careful to keep it on a realistic level, all right? Don't have her constantly thinking about what everything in her surroundings looks like if she's conversing with someone. She'd be focused on said someone. :wink:

As for emotion, I feel you could express a bit more, especially through your character's dialogue and body language. When Callie is asking nervously if they bothered the boy, does she show signs of nervousness, such as a habit of biting her fingernails, or twisting a lock of hair? Simple things such as those examples help clarify a character's mood to the reader. Try and include body language every so often.


Characters: As I mentioned in L.U. & W.S., your contrast between the two POVs wasn't strong enough. This presents a problem. Try and give each character their own special quirk(s) and outlook on life. If you have the same style of thoughts for each POV, your reader may just think your character has two bodies or something! (A little far-fetched, but whatever. :wink:)

Really think about your characters.
Ask yourself:
-"What makes him/her so special?"
-"Why should I care about her/him?"
-"What is his/her opinion on this topic?" and so on and so forth.

I find that filling out character templates with flaws, looks, and personality traits included helps me develop a character. They'll come in time, darling. Keep working at them, and they'll turn out great!


Plot & Storyline: I think this is moving along nicely, but I'd like to see more of the boy and girl's wonder about each other. It's there, but it seems like it's a bit distant. I'm excited as to where this plot is going, though. :)
Make sure you don't rush anything, darling. Take the time needed to develop certain things before arriving at your climax, all right?


Good job, darling! Revise a bit, watch for those typos, develop those characters, take your time, figure out the POV thing, and you've got it! :D


Love,
Music
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I sort of skimmed the first chapter but I never really went into details and secifics with it. Maybe I'll do that now.. :D

Other then that, Peave

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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The first chapter, yay..
Well, I think this story will be interesting.
And I can't wait to read the second chapter!
*Short, this too* ^^
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




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Music: many thanks, dear. It was a very helpful review.

bubblegum: Thanks bubble! I'm glad you liked it. Support is great :D
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore