The Dark Abyss

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The Drak Abyss






The Warning



I was falling,but falling no where. It just kept getting darker and darker. I wanted to scream,but the sencery changed quickly.I was suddenly surrounded by dark figures in dark red cloaks.I backed up against the wall.

"Who are you?!" I sceamed.
"We are here to warn you Miss Skye Quinn." A strange male vocie said.

I sat up screaming.My dreams weren't normaly like that.What were they trying to warn me about? It didn't matter.I looked at my alarm clock.It was already noon.I was glad it was Saturday.I looked around my usual room.My walls were purple,which was my favorite color.I had one window on the right side. My door was just a regular white door, but had my tall mirror on the back.My dresser sat against the wall in front of my bed. They were a good six feet away.My closet was on the left side of my room. My bed tied it all together by being in the middle against the wall.My night stand sat next to my bed.

My breathing went back to normal.I was thankful to be away from the cloaked figures.I got up from my bed and stretched.I tried to shed my mind away from the nightmare.The summer was near,so I could put that on my mind.Monday was going to be my last day of school.Great.More summer torture from Marcus.I thought dreadfully.Marcus was my older brother. His hair was a hazel-nut brown color and his eyes were a dark green.Marcus was sixteen years old. I was only thirteen.

I walked over to my door.I jumped when I saw myself in the mirror.My brown emo-styled hair was a mess.I grabbed my brush off my night stand and pulled it through my hair.My eyes were a soft brown.I was wearing my normal bed clothes.Which were silk shorts and a black shirt.I opened my bedroom door and headed downstairs.

"Hey sweety," my mom greeted.
"Hi mom.Do you work today?" I asked
"No. Not today. Why?"
"I want to go to the mall today."
"Well. Okay.How about 4:30?"
"Okay. Seems fair enough." I smiled at her.

My mother was always nice to me. She never wanted to lose me like she had lost my dad. My mom's hair was a curly blonde and her eyes were green like Marcus's eyes.He and I got our hair color from our father. My eyes came from my Aunt Bell.I went to the fridge and got some orange juice and a cup from the cabinet.I poured myself a glass and put the orange juice away.


An Old Friend


I went back upstairs and banged on Marcus's bedroom door. "Get your lazy butt up! Mom said so!" I shouted really loud.I heard Marcus growl and mumble something quietly.I snickered to myself.I loved making him mad.According to him, it was my job as a little sister. I walked to my bedroom and found some clothes.My outfit consisted of jeans and an orange Fox Racing t-shirt.

I headed back downstairs to find Marcus in the kitchen.He glared at me.I simply smiled at him."Good morning Marc," I said.He rolled his eyes at me.I went to go sit on the couch to pu my shoes on.My shoes were the pair that I had always wanted.They were white Nike Airs with purple shocks and a purple streak on the side.Abbsolutly perfect for me.My mom came down stairs in jeans, a pink tye-dyed shirt, and a piar of black flip-flops.

"Marcus. We're going to the mall. Okay?" My mom infromed him.
"Okay. And? What about me?" He replied.
"Go some where for the day. I'm leaving the truck" She said.
"So I get the truck and you get the car?" He asked.
"I have my cell phone and yes."
"Mom doesn't trust you like she does me," I mocked.
"Shut up shorty!" Marcus shouted.
"Come on Skye," my mom interupted.

We were at the mall in an hour.I was ready to shop because that was exactly what I needed to forget the dream.Maybe I'll see him here.I thought.By him I meant Jason White.He was perfect.His hair is emo-styled like mine but instead it was sandy blonde. His eyes are a strange light green.My mom let me walk around by myself.She had handed me a $150. She trusted me so well.I walked to my favorite store,which is Wet Seal.I walked in and stopped dead.

Impossible.It can't be.I thought.It was none other than Jake Ross. He was supposed to be on a cruise.Jake was my best friend. I ran up to him and hugged him to death.When I let go he turned and smiled.

"Oh my god! Hey Skye." Jake said.
"I missed you Jake." I told him.
"Same here."
"Yeah right."
"What? A guy can't miss his best friend?"
"Nope.Not at all."

That got us laughing.Then Jake stopped laughing."What is it Jake?" I asked.He shook his head and hugged me one more time.I skipped out on getting some jeans from Wet Seal.I decided to walk arond with Jake.His hair was sleek black hair and his eyes were a soft sky blue.He wasn't much taller than me.Jake was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. His t-shirt had some kind of white design on the front. It looked like a white skull with wings.His shoes are old worn out Nikes.He always wears them.

"I missed you so much Skye." He broke the silence.
"Yeah I missed you, too." I said.
"But I-I think that I m-might be in love with you."
"Oh! I umm" I said trying to think.
"I guess I'll leave you alone." He said sadly.
"No! I don't want you to." I said quickly.

I grabbed his arm when he tried to walk away.I pulled him close to me and kissed him."Maybe I'm in love with you, too. Never leave me Jake." I said when I pulled away.He pulled me into a gentle hug.We continued our walk wround the mall, but he had his arm around me.What about your perfect Jason? A voice in the back of my head said.I pulled myself closer to Jake. I hated Jason now.He was distant.

Jake and I found my mom in a shoe store. She offered him a ride home.He said yes and we headed home.But when we got to Jake's house, I stayed with him. It was a good thing I had my bag with me. I got my shopping bags out of the car, waved to my mom, and went inside with Jake.


The Return

"Well. It's good to see you again Skye," Mrs.Ross greeted me.
'You too Mrs.Ross." I replied as I walked upstairs.

This is going to be great. Staying with Jake was the best.He pulled me around to look in my eyes.He put his arms around my waist. I put my arms around his neck.He leaned in to kiss me,but I stopped him. "Jake. I love you.More than life its self. But promise me this. Promise that no matter what you do. That you know I'll always love you." I had to tell him the little part of it.

"What are you saying?" He asked me.
"I'm saying that if something happens to us. That I'll always love you." I replied
"I love you Skye."
"I know you do."

We stayed like that for a while. Just staring at each other.I felt tired so I moved toward his bedroom a little.He got that I was tired and opened his door.He pulled his shoes off and laid down on his bed.I took my shoes off and laid next to him.I stared into his eyes.My eyes slowly fluttered closed.

The dream returned sadly. The figures were coming closer and closer.I scramed this time.I tried to find something to throw at them,but there was nothing.Then I thought about last time. They were trying to warn me about something.

"What are you warning me about?" I said confidently.
"Skye?" A man's voice said.
"Dad!?" I said. Worried.
"Skye! I've missed you!"

The figures came closer.I couldn't believe that it was my Dad.Then I remembered everything.Many flashbacks came quickly reminding me of all the fun times that we had together.I wanted to hug him and tell him I missed him a whole bunch,but I could feel my voice. I couldn't talk.

That's when I sat up.Thank god you're still asleep Jake.I climbed out of the bed and put on my shoes.I grabbed my bag and found a pen and notebook.I wrote Jake a note.

Dear Jake,
I'm running away from my nightmare.I will find
a very safe place to stay. I don't know when I will return,
but if you find me, then we'll run away forever.
Love,
Skye Delilah Quinn




I put the note on his desk so he would find it.I headed out his bedroom door quietly.I didn't know where I was going.I walked out the front door and ran towards the woods.I looked down at my watch while I was still in the street light. It was two-thirty in the morning.I found myself sorrounded by the dark pine trees.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps following behind me. I quickly tried to hurry up.I began to walk faster and faster.The footsteps were speeding up with me.I ran even faster. My usually unactive body wasn't allowing me to breathe easily.I kept tripping over and over again.I finally lost the footsteps behind me.I stopped to catch my breath, but then I heard some strange voices talking in a feild just a good 10 feet away.

I walked into the strange feild.The moonlight lit it up so I could see very well.I saw what looked to be two boys about the age of 14 standing there talking to each other.The tallest one had snady blonde hair and the shortest one had sheek black hair.

"Why must you take things from me?" The black-haired one said.
"Because you're my brother." The tall one said.
"But I love her!"
"Yes, but she loves me!"
"Prove it Jay!"
"I will Lee!"


Jay? Lee? Jason and Jake? No! No it can't be! I scremed that in my head over and over again.I ran out into the feild.They both turned and looked at me.It was Jake and Jason! Jason turned and looked at me.He had an evil looking smile on his face.Jake looked like he were in pain.He ran towards me.I was dazed and disoriented.My legs started to shake and I fell. My eyes shut and all I saw was me and Jake in a feild. All alone laying in the swaying grass. The last words I heard were what Jake had said, "Skye?! No! Come on Jay! Let's get her out of the cold.Back to my room."




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Hey OrangeDancer! Before you post your own work, please make sure that you have reviewed at least two other pieces by other people, and keep that ratio going. If you're unsure about how to review, you could check out these articles:
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This will ensure that everyone gets one, and makes others more eager to read your stories as well. :)

So, it looks like you have a lot of grammar mistakes here. Grammar is annoying and tricky, but if it's not good, it's very discouraging to try and read the story, even if the plot is sublime. Definitely, definitely make sure you put spaces after punctuation, fix the dialogue grammar and spell-check. Then we can focus on your actual story, instead of fixing the grammar, which is something you should look at.

Just from reading this over quickly, it seems like you have a lot of extra information in here. What I mean by that is, you throw descriptions at us every time - Marcus has these eyes and such and such hair, Jake is whatever height and this age, etc. It gets tiring, and you don't have to tell us exactly what each character looks like, okay? ;-)

Anyway, this is a good start, and definitely a cliffhanger at the end; I'm excited to see how Jake reacts to her leaving! Keep writing, and good luck.
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano




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Gender Female
Points 890
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I like it. Its very interesting but i have to agree with mars, a lot of details do make a story a little boring. And before you post just spell check because i found a lot of spelling errors here and there. Also, where are you going with this plot? Is this just going top be the guys fighting over her? Or is there something else going on here with the dreams and all? The problem with some love stories is that they don't have a good plot. Other then that its really good. looking forward to the next part.
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If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March