hidden heart

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HIDDEN HEART

It was a calm day. The sky was dusted with dark, menacing clouds and it looked like rain. I was sitting at my desk watching the squirrels outside my window play and run around. I longed to go outside but I could not. You see, I have a secret that forces me to stay hidden. I’m a vampire. My name is Nick Payne. I’ve been locked in this musty old mansion for weeks on end because a wizard is after me. He wants my black, cold heart. If added to a potion of unicorn blood, griffin hair, and garlic the creature that drinks it is immortal. Now, he is searching for me. I’m the only vampire left in human form, which makes me more obtainable than the rest. Suddenly, through my reminiscing thoughts I was snapped back to reality by the phone on my desk ringing. I was surprised, that phone hasn’t rung in eight weeks. “Hello?” I say.

“Hello nick, it’s your grandfather,” said a forced, and not so friendly voice, “I need you to come to my house immediately. I’m deathly ill.”

It was not my grandfather, it was the wizard. He found me. I quickly hung up the phone and began to think what I should do. Before I got a chance though, the door was crashed in by a head splitting sound and a purple blinding light. I screamed and felt a sharp pain at my side. Then I saw a man with blonde hair and two unnaturally blue eyes. Just before I passed out, he flashed a wicked smile to my face.

When I awoke, I was tied up head to toe in ropes and chains. I felt pain all over and I knew where I was and most likely where I would die. The wizard’s castle. My mouth was gagged with a cloth that was bloody from my lip and I could not speak. I heard a distant door open and footsteps coming toward me. My heart beat quickened. I feared the wizard but to my surprise, I saw a young woman standing on the far end of the room. She was beautiful with her brown hair and striking hazel eyes.

“Hello?” she questioned. She did not see me in the shadowed corner where I lay. I jerked my arm as best I could and I grabbed her attention. “Oh you poor creature.” She said. Then she slowly untied the cloth around my mouth with hands that were soft as silk. She then froze, noticing my ivory white fangs. “Oh no, I’m getting you out of here, my father wont have you.” As she reached for my arm to start untying, there was another door opening and another set of footsteps. My heart quickened again for this time I knew it would not be a girl. She quickly got up from where she was beside me and ran out another door. Just as she left the door she had come in opened. A tall blonde man with unnatural blue eyes walked in. It was the wizard. He was accompanied by three other men.

“Nicholas Payne,” he said in a loud mocking voice, “what a pleasure to see you here. You are in fact Nicholas am I right?” one of the men behind him came up to my trembling body and took my shirt off to reveal a tattoo shaped like a star on my left side.

“Yes sir, he is he has the tattoo of Dracula. This is Nick Payne” said the rugged man.

“Very well.” the wizard said with an evil smile. He then waved his hand and the three men left. Within a flash the wizard was next to me with a long silver knife to my neck.

“Any last words Payne?” he said staring deep into my fear-filled eyes.

“Yes, I hope you live forever in pain and suffering that only you will ever know. Now, kill me and take your key to pain.”

“Very well vampire, I will.” And suddenly I felt searing pain all over my helpless body. The long silver knife was stuck deep into my chest and my vision became blurry. Within my last breaths I heard a girl shriek and I could barely see a streak of purple light. Then my eyes closed for the last time. I was dead.

It was then all white and I saw the girl. The whole scene was blurry but I could see shapes and shadows. She was crying over my cold, lifeless body. Then, everything began to slowly fade. Everything was fading. It was soon all black and I was sure there would never be life for me again. What would death be like? Is this how it feels? Then the scene came back. The girl was beside me and this time I spoke.

“Am I alive?” I asked, “And who are you?” She then smiled at me and replied

“I’m sorry nick, but you’re not alive. My father acquired your heart. He is immortal. And who am I? Well, my name is Mia and I’m your angel. I will love you and care for you here in the next world. You will never be alone again unless you wish it.” He voice was like that of one hundred doves singing in harmony. “Eventually, if you find happiness and love here your heart will grow back. I can help you gain that. I will never leave you nick, I know many people in your life have but you can trust me I wont leave you.”

Over time, my heart did grow back. And it was stronger than it was in life. I loved and was loved more than I ever had before. Now, I realize that the wizard will never know what true happiness is because when everyone he knows passes him by and dies, he will still be there. Just as sad as he was the day he stole my heart.




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Hey! That's really good! I liked it, alot! =]
<3 Cari




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Hey

Sorry to state the obvious but we have to be careful about including things like vampires and werewolves with the current Twilight saga being so popular and mainstream.... you don't want to be seen as jumping on the bandwagon and I'm pretty sure a fair few people are already bored of the whole "vampire" thing

The other thing is, watch your capitalisation...names need capital letters!

Try and not start every other sentence with "I"...it becomes repetitive and boring...variation is the key

If you want a hand with changing any of it, just send me a private message and I'll be only too happy to help
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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Loved it even if the end was a bit too soppy for my liking
In places it was a bit confusing, like the first paragraph, maybe liberate some more about the wizard and what is happening
i see nought bet darkness and it stills my soul




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I think you have the right idea main plot and all. But my advice is to pick either a vampire or wizard dont put both in your story, it makes people kind of iffy while their reading. Another thing, if you get rid of the wizard or edit the character maybe he is a human hunting vampires to find the secret to immortality. Or something like that. Just a note in the future if you want to get published




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that was an awesome story. i loved it! nice, a guardian angel don't see many of these nowadays
You can never be perfect...
You are what you are~



Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx