Parliamo di amore, noi respiriamo in aria

Parliamo di amore
Every night and day
Parliamo di amore
in every single way.

Noi respiriamo in aria
to live, to see
noi respiriamo in aria
to dream, to be.

Join me on the sky walk,
Let loose of your grief
I'll pull you in with my talk,
Forget the the one you leave.

We speak of love
we dream with it, too
Walking on the cloud above,
Look around, none, but me and you.

Escape our brokenheartedness,
live day in, and day out.
Give me your tenderheartedness,
You're the one that set me free.

Breathe,move,sneak,kiss, stop
Another step forward and you let my heart drop,
Another guy, another man,
Another kiss upon your hand.

We spoke of love,
we dreamed the dreams,
I was blind and now you'll see
what I can do, what I have done.

So pick up your clothes and back your bags.
No one knows I'm even glad.

Hey!

So pick up your clothes and back your bags.

*pack

So. This piece was quite pretty, I like the way it begins as the narrator coaxing along his lover, then how it all comes down at the end, and the picture of the sky and clouds is just beautiful.

The only two problems I have with it are: the structure and the end. See, you have this strict ABAB rhyme scheme going on until you set me free. And then the structure breaks, and when you have such a strict structure, you can't break it.

Unless - wait - like you set me free...of my rhyme scheme? Was that on purpose? If it wasn't, it should be. Because that's really freaking cool.

I don't like the way it sounds sulky and resentful at the end - "I'm glad! So there!" It brings you back from the airy world of clouds and love and gives the poem a whole other tone. Which could have been on purpose, which makes sense, but I don't think it works - I don't know, I just don't like it. It ruins the lovely image you had before.

Nice work, good luck.
-Mars

I agree with Mars. Near the end, it was like the narrator had a case of sour grapes. Like he wanted this lover badly, and by the end, he was like, "Ciao and good riddance!" It does kind of spoil the lovley image that you had created of the Italian lovers (I speak a bit of Italian, so that's why I opened the piece).

Otherwise, buono!