Forbidden Love

FORBIDDEN LOVE

This isn’t the first time I saw him. I’ve seen him plenty of time before, so what’s different about this time? Sure, I have always thought he was cute, but never have I had the sensation to stare at him. He’s old enough to be my father, he IS a father. I know it will never be, but I still daydream about him just coming up and kissing me. What’s wrong with me?


I was in Sarah’s office, and then I had to go to the bathroom. When I walked into the hall way all I saw was white. I ran into somebody. I looked up after we had both backed up and saw who it was. Travis Talbott.
“Second time today Missy. Next time you run into me I’ll have to do something about it.” He winked at me, also showing a very flirty smile.
OHMYGAWD, he’s flirting with me! Okay Cristen, calm down, freak out when you get to the bathroom. “Well you know what they say, third times a charm.” I smiled flirtingly back at him, trying not to be too obvious though.
When I got to the bathroom I started freaking out. OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD!!! I decided I would have to “accidentally” run into him again to see what he would do. When I left the bathroom I peeped out into the hall, and guess what? There he was. Travis was walking my way. I purposely walked out so I would bump into him again.
“Hey now Missy did you do that on purpose? He had a really cute smile on his face, I almost melted!
“Who? Me? Of course not!” I smiled back; I tried to make it a little less flirty this time.
“Didn’t I say I would have to do something about that?” His smile left me speechless, so all I could manage is a headshake. After I nodded my head he started walking forward making me back up. I ended up backing up into the bathroom door, but it didn’t stop their. He continued to come forward, so I had no choice but to go into the bathroom.
As soon as we were both inside he locked the door. He backed me up into the sink, then he wrapped one are around my waist and picked me up so I was sitting on the sink. He leaned forward, watching my lips. OHMYGAWD! He’s going to kiss me! It took everything I had to not freak out. It seemed like forever until his lips reached mine. I automatically, with out thinking, wrapped my arms around his neck and had my hands playing with his hair, I could tell he was smiling, that made me smile also. I felt like I was in heaven!

“Cristen, are you listening?” When didn’t answer she continued. “Earth to Cristen." I felt a knock on my head. “Is anyone home?” Taylor was talking to me. Shit! I must’ve been daydreaming, again.
“What?”
“Daydreaming about the guy you won’t say a thing about?” I showed her a guilty smile. “Why can’t I know exactly?”
I had to think about for a second, the truth is I just didn’t want her to know. “Because it’s forbidden love… or like. Needless to say it’s never gonna happen, unfortunately.” I looked down at my feet, so she couldn’t see the tears building up.
“I don’t believe that! Nothing is impossible you know.” I looked at her, and her look made me tell her EVERYTHING. “Old enough to be your dad? Damn Cristen, that’s bad.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Mod: Watch the caps in subject line.

I thought it was awesome! Honestly I loved it. No pressure but write more!! If you do write some more to it could you please PM me???? It seems interesting, things like that like totally always happen! Anyways. Peace love, and harmony! x x x x x x

Hey Cristjelly! Welcome to YWS.

You might be wondering, "Why have I not received many reviews on this?" There's a very easy answer to this! We have a rule on this where you must do two reviews for every one story of yours you post, Rule III here: rules.php When members see that someone has posted a story without doing reviews, we tend to just hit the Back button. So! Once you do some reviews yourself, you're sure to get many reviews.

I will review this for you, trusting that you will browse the Literary forums soon!

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He’s old enough to be my father, he IS a father. I know it will never be, but I still daydream about him just coming up and kissing me. What’s wrong with me?

- The first sentence should not have a comma in it. It would be grammatically correct to phrase it this way:"He's old enough to be my father; he is a father". The semi-colon means that the following sentence is connected with the first one, and not entirely separate - it's developing the concept.
- Instead of capitalizing "IS", just italicize it. Many people don't like reading caps.

OHMYGAWD, he’s flirting with me!

Again, caps really isn't necessary. Consider italicizing.

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Wow, a lot of crazy romance is happening here in this story. First, this story would be much easier to follow if you described a setting. You may have briefly mentioned a setting, but for most of the story they're either in a hallway or a bathroom, and I forget what building this is in, and you describe nothing of the surroundings. When writing a story, the setting is just as important as dialogue and characters. How can your characters effectively interact in a world without a setting that the readers are conscious of? Here's an article from the YWS Knowledge Base on writing setting description: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=33840

Also, consider slowing your pace down a bit. You're moving very fast through events in your story, and I feel we don't have time to just slow down and chill with your characters, figure out who they are. Slow down the beginning, slow down the flashback... add more description, perhaps more character insights.

I hope this review is helpful and PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo

Hey! This is really good! I loved it! =]
<3 Cari

Hello. So I see you are rather new. My name is Jas and I will be your reviewer today. Some things I say may seem harsh but it is in your best intrest that they are...they will help improve future writing of yours.
Plus, harsh reviews are really helpful with it comes to the editing process.
Anyways, on to the review...

FORBIDDEN LOVE

*Points to title of piece* We already see that this is the title..this is necessarily needed. XD
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but never have I had the sensation to stare at him.

Oookayyy. What kind of sensation? I am being told she is having a sensation. i want to be shown...get it?
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I was in Sarah’s office,

Who is Sarah to the MC? What kind of office? What does it look like? Smell like?
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I ran into somebody.

EEePP! take this out. take it ouuuutttt! No kidding! Obviously if her vision was impared. Again, you are just spitting out in robotic form that this is what happened then this is what happened.
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Travis Talbott.

How does she know it is him? Obviously if she has seen him before, but is this the guy she was talking about earlier in the forshadowing part? What does he look like? Smell like? If he is old, show his age in discriptions.
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“Second time today Missy.

He is addressing her, so there would be a comma after 'today'
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OHMYGAWD, he’s flirting with me! Okay Cristen, calm down, freak out when you get to the bathroom.

I'd put this in italics because it is an inner thought...but...does she have clammy palms? does she have to readjust her expression to hide her enthusiasum????
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I smiled flirtingly

Is that even a word? I mean, it just doesnt flow. it doesnt seem at all...intelligent. Ever hear of a thesarous?
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trying not to be too obvious though.

Well, she didnt do a good job, now did she? Take out the 'though' it doesnt flow.
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When I got to the bathroom I started freaking out. OHMYGAWD, OHMYGAWD!!! I decided I would have to “accidentally” run into him again to see what he would do. When I left the bathroom I peeped out into the hall, and guess what? There he was. Travis was walking my way. I purposely walked out so I would bump into him again.

This just hurts my head to read. How old is this girl? What does she do in the bathroom? look at her reflection and try to fix her hair for her next accidental bump in?
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“Hey now Missy did you do that on purpose? He had a really cute smile on his face, I almost melted!

Missing a comma after 'now' and a quote after 'purpose?'
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I tried to make it a little less flirty this time.

There are so many nonchalant words out there...use them!!!! Flirty...just...no.
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wrapped one are around

one arm around...
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Alrighty...you main character. Well, she's a robot. She doesnt have any emotions, any real human actions. She's just blah. Know what i mean? There are a lot of improvements needed for this story to become something real. Discriptions and stuff like that. I dont know who she is...very confusing.

The guy. To me, he is a creepy middle aged man that i wouldnt dare get any where near me. And thats just...creepy. There is nothing that has been said here that makes me think otherwise. And your mc is dumb to think that liking him is totally okay. And i have no idea who he is, why he was at 'sarah's office' or what he looks like.

Sarah...who is she? she was never introduced...just...nothing.

Taylor. What does she look like? how long has your MC known her?

Your setting is fuzzy. I liked the dream thing, but seemed kind of silly to me. Then, where was she when she got snapped out of it?
Im not trying to sound mean here, but i just didnt really have a feel for your story.
Sorry.
Hope i wasnt too mean, please tell me if i was.
Sorry, again.


--Jas