The Vital Force

The Absent Force


This is not what I had planned.
It’s like I’ve been awakened and the world is falling down.
I can still feel you, you’re nearly here.
I can still see you; in your eyes I’m alive.

I’m a candle in a hurricane.
My days are spent searching and my nights in dreams.
I want to shut the world out.
I want to be wherever you are.

All the stars have disappeared.
The smell of your skin lingers on me now.
I can’t breathe without you.
I can’t live without you.

Each day is slowly passing by.
The world seems so far away.
Please, let me touch your face.
Please, help me to see clearly again.

Fear is taking me over.
I cannot feel you here as often and it scares me to lose you again.
Whisper that it will be okay.
Whisper something so I can feel your breath.

Yesterday, I found a letter.
Opening it up, I felt your arms wrap around me.
I heard your voice read what you had written on the page.
I felt your breath on my cheek and your fingers over mine.
“I’ll never leave you.” you said softly.

Today, the sun burned through my darkest night.
It’s like I’ve been awaken, and the world is forming again.
I can’t feel you, but I know you’re here.
I can’t see you with my eyes open, but you’re my greatest memory.

Hi, my name's Matt, and I'm going to critique your work tonight. Enjoy Anyway, Nitpicks first.

I can’t breathe without you.
I can’t sleep without you.

I just thought that you could chnge sleep, because I'd never really compare not sleeping with not breathing. Either change breathe to something less powerful or power up sleep

The world seems so cynical, and I want no part of it.

This line didn't flow that well, Maybe you should shorten it?

It’s like I’ve been awaken and the world is falling down.

Say wakened or awakened. I think that awaken is present tense.

it scares me to loose you again.

Lose, you wrote loose, meaning like a knot that hasn't been tightened enough.

Anyway, I liked it a lot. I wasn't sure what the name meant, perhaps you could change it. It's only because I imagine that this vital force is love, but the charecter has obvioously lost her love. So, maybe you should put a negative, saying that the vital force has gone, because that's what the poem is saying. Anyway, good job

Thanks for critiquing my work and giving my some great suggestions.

This flows well.You have some great imagery here. I really love;
"I’m a candle in a hurricane. "
and
"The smell of your skin lingers on me now."

Personally, I find this sort of poetry very difficult to write, as it's always so important to you, but difficult to make it important to anyone else, especially as so many people feel compelled to write poetry after bereavement. I'd try showing rather than telling, as it will make this more powerful, and I'd cut cliches such as;
"This is not what I had planned."

and

"I can’t breathe without you.

I can’t live without you."

and
"taking me over"

and
"my darkest night",
and instead try to use images which are more vivid, and particular to you. I handwrite my poetry, and what I do when redrafting poems with some strong lines and some weak lines, is to put the lines I know are good in one color and the weaker lines in another color, and that way it makes it easier to build teh new draft around the good lines.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hello! I'm peanut, here to review your piece on my daily reviewing- spree

It’s like I’ve been awakened and the world is falling down.

If you are using figurative language, then don't say 'It's like' just get on with it. It seems unnecessary how you added that to the beginning.

I can still feel you, you’re nearly here.
I can still see you; in your eyes I’m alive.

I can still, I can still... try varying your beginnings

I want to shut the world out.
I want to be wherever you are.

Same with these...

I loved this poem. Truthfully. I could feel what was happening. Though, I do want you to stop repeating the beginnings of the last two lines in almost every single stanza...

But other than that... I loved it

This is a really good poem, and very expressive. The "lost love" theme is particularly resonating for me, since I have only very recently been torn ruthlessly away from the love of my life by forces beyond my control, and I miss him terribly. I assume you had a similar experience. The poem is very touching; there are a few flaws here and there, but as you are but a mortal, that is unavoidable!

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