The Inevitable War

The Inevitable War



If you could see what I see, you'd know that the world is in grave danger.
Where sturdy forests once reside, now lives a foreshadow of what's to come.
The Kings of our world are rounding up their armies.
The strongest, are to be standing at the forefront.
You think you know of this beast. You know nothing.
It is obliviousness that will get us as far as we will go.
And in the end, it'll be the same obviousness that will eradicate us.
We are to the beast as the poor are to you.
They only exist because you allow them to, and it is your pity and greed that keeps them here.
However, the time has come for change.
You have ridiculed the gift of life, and laughed in the face of the beast.
You've chosen long ago to go against the rules.
Now, survival is the name of the game and we are not on the winning team.
We are only here for amusement.
Sooner or later the beast will slam down its hammer of power, and let its reign be known to all.
The wheels of fate are turning.
The time is coming closer.
The end is rearing its vibrant head.
Who knows, maybe I am wrong. Maybe there is hope.
But, you will not know unless you choose to fight.
So go on, fight soldiers! Stand strong and brave.
A courageous death is, after all, the greatest way to die.

P!nk!nk wrote:If you could see what I see, you'd know that the world is in grave danger.
Where sturdy forests once reside, now lives a foreshadow of what's to come.

I read this poem once and came back to the beginning to make this comment: you are setting the reader up for a false realization by emphasizing the fact that you know what we don't. There's only one possible way this could work, and that would be if you actually explained this phenomenon later on. Just letting us know of the fact and ignoring its significance throughout the rest of the poem is cheap and betrays the reader's emotions and mental senses. Either let us know why your omnipotence is important (or even of why it exists in the first place) or don't tell us that you know what we don't.

The end of the second line is repetitive. "Foreshadow" implies "what's to come".

The Kings of our world are rounding up their armies.
The strongest, are to be standing at the forefront.
You think you know of this beast. You know nothing.

Again, why do we assume we know of this beast, and what about our supposed knowing falls short of the truth? You must explain this or do away with it.

It is obliviousness that will get us as far as we will go.
And in the end, it'll be the same obviousness that will eradicate us.

Repetition of "obliviousness" is tacky and mutilates the rhythm. Get rid of the second use and replace it with some synonym, any synonym.

We are to the beast as the poor are to you.
They only exist because you allow them to, and it is your pity and greed that keeps them here.

This comparison does not make one ounce of sense. The parallelism implies that the beast is responsible for what you describe in the line under the analogy, which is confusing as it could go any of infinite ways.

However, the time has come for change.
You have ridiculed the gift of life, and laughed in the face of the beast.
You've chosen long ago to go against the rules.
Now, survival is the name of the game and we are not on the winning team.
We are only here for amusement.
Sooner or later the beast will slam down its hammer of power, and let its reign be known to all.
The wheels of fate are turning.
The time is coming closer.
The end is rearing its vibrant head.
Who knows, maybe I am wrong. Maybe there is hope.
But, you will not know unless you choose to fight.
So go on, fight soldiers! Stand strong and brave.
A courageous death is, after all, the greatest way to die.

In the middle of the poem, you say that change is coming, but I see no change; it seems that you want us to continue what we have been doing, to keep the status quo and die bravely. Where is this change? Clarify.

The rest of this is lecture padded with the terrible format of short, crispy sentences that sound as if someone's barking to you almost incoherently from a street corner. It isn't captivating and the sentence structure is unnerving; there's no mix between short and long...nothing. It's monotonous. This structure is something you need to fix immediately before you implement any other changes. After that, include some imagery in the last half, not because imagery is all-important but because your last half is completely devoid of it.

Hope that helped.

I like this a lot.
But I was just a bit confused about the beast.

Who is he?
What is he?>
Why is he there?
What is he doing?
How is he doing this?

You know, these simple questions sometimes have to be answered somehow in your writing.
Whether it be a story, or a poem.

I do love this though, keep writing!