True Freaks

Really not a good piece, but I posted it anyway. i just wrote it while being bored...

True Freaks

I look at the carefully written reply. At first, I am excited about the very thought of someone so great, replying to me. Then I think, You shouldn't idolize others. It makes you look like a freak.
A true freak.
I look at the reply more carefully, realizing...
They already think I am a freak.
Their reply is too careful, too precise, and, between the lines, I can almost hear; "Quit bugging me. Please. I answered your questions, now quit bugging me."
I had said the wrong thing. I had made them wonder if they should be weary of me. Again, I succeed in making myself look like a ground- kissing stalker, who is insistent on worshiping the Forums they type in. Which, in a way, I am.
Not anymore.
I will still be very, very polite to them and treat them like any every other person I write to. Yet, I will always remember the scar they left me with, the scar of failing to be loved by yet another friend. The scar that only freaks get.
True Freaks.

Critique very harshly, I want it torn up completely in the process of editing. I want to whip this piece into shape!
(I have all the lines
like this.
It looks a little bit like a long poem.)

So, is this going to be the very beginning of some larger story, as I believe you said ? If it really is the case, then, maybe, you should try to make it sound a bit more original. Of course, I don't know were you are heading, nor what the actual goal of the story will be. Thus, I can't really judge.

But still, from a reader's point of view, the take-off isn't that exiting, since it didn't arouse my curiosity about what's going to happen next. The poor, ostracized, frustrated-but-still-very-courteous freak thing, I've seen and whached before. But as I said earlier, I can't say what you're up to, so how could I judge ? What's more, the very concise and straight style got me hooked, which is a very good thing.

Now, if you could endeavor to preserve some mystery, that is, try not to unveil so much info from the beginning (I get the feeling I already know everything there is to know, and, altough it might be a treacherous feeling, it doesn't stimulate my craving for further explanations), that would make the whole thing way more riveting. Since you seem intent on making it as catchy as possible, you should focus on that point. Especially at the very end. It simply is too precisely written.

Hope it helps ^^°

Hello again. I wake up, turn on my gateway and drift to this website, and you're on the "featured works" at the bottom.
SO you're poem...
you don't need a comma after yet.
Yet, i will always remmember
"Yet i will always remmember"
besides that, i enjoy the premise and the rythm.
I agree that the ending should be MORE dramatic. I leave this poem with the feeling "problem solved" which is what I would have felt if I didn't read it at all.
You need to leave your readers with some emotion, such as anxiety, if your actions are going to be more drastic, or empathy, and include more heart into this character;
maybe anger, if you want to pull your story in that direction.
Writting this kind of poem, based off yourself or an actual even can be difficult, because it is harder to bare your true feelings.
In this poem, you make a valiant attempt at infusing emotion, but its a little too much telling and not enough showing.
In this case, less is more and imagery can take the place of excess words.

Aww, Peanut. You don't really feel that way do you?

So. Is this a poem or just a piece?

'Cause it didn't sound like a poem to me.

This was very... Different. You don't really feel like this, right, Peanut? Because you are not a freak. Plus, people don't mind being worshipped.

I had said the wrong thing. I had made them wonder if they should be weary of me.

This sounds a bit off for me. I think its the "I hads..." I don't know why. I'm just weird like that.

wonder if they should be weary of me.

I think you meant wary. Weary is tired of and wary is cautious of. I don't know. Could be both. *shrugs*

ground- kissing

You don't need the space. And no, you're no stalker.

And that's it. I won't really critique on this, because the people above me already did. I do disagree with them. This was good, heartfelt, and very different. I would have never thought of stuff like that.

Feel free to PM me. (I won't call you a freak!)
Feel free. I enjoy our chats very much. Plus, I like getting PMs.

~Storm